This year is coming to a close and it is so strange. At some points I thought I would never get through this year. It has changed me more profoundly than I would have ever imagined a single year could change me.
My aunt called me today and we chatted for a while. She then went on to wish me a good new year and I agreed, saying that I hoped the new year would be a much better one than the last. She answered that the last one was not all bad and that we learned so much about us and other people than we would have ever imagined possible. I agree but I still think that the last year was not a good one. There were good moments, for sure. But a good year? Never, not the last one. It made me angry that she could not see my point but felt like she had to lecture me to see the good sides in Alexander’s death. I don’t think that I am someone who does not see that something did come out of his death, there is some kind of legacy that he passed on. That is true. But knowing this does not make the last year a good one. I am disappointed that she could not simply join me in grief. At least we connected in the hope for a better new year.
I really hope that this next year will be better. I wish I could say it could not be worse but this last year also taught me that it always can be. Life cannot be planned. So I am hoping and praying.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
First Christmas without Alexander
I was very anxious about Christmas, as was everyone in my family. I have rarely felt that much tension among us and yet not directed against anyone. And then it still turned out to be halfway nice if I can say that.
Luke and I came to my parent’s house on Christmas eve. We had planned to attend church that afternoon at 4.30 pm, so there was a little chatting before we had to get changed and ready for the service. My sister Sophie was sick so she stayed home for the service. All of us were waiting in the hallway for Dorothée to get ready. Finally I went upstairs to find her in tears saying that she did not want to come along. She had had a fight with Sophie again and was scared of everyone at church seeing that she had cried. Thankfully I could convince her to come along but it was so awful to feel this tension between all of us! This little problem made us late for church; we entered just on time into a completely packed church, only standing room left. It was a nice service, the priest mentioned the grieving and sad people around this supposedly joyful time, too, which really helped all of us, especially my mum. We sang a lot during the service, something we had always done at home. When Silent Night was sung it gave me a weird feeling since I never really liked that song but Alexander really loved it. After the service we picked Sophie up and went to the cemetery. It was dark but there were so many candles light on the graves in the snow that it had a very peaceful atmosphere around it. Some people had put up little Christmas trees on their graves and on almost every single on of them were candles lit. My mum had a branch of our Christmas tree cut of with a few ornaments on and a candle that we put on Alexander’s and my grandpa’s grave. It was the first time that all of us were together at the grave again since the funeral. There were very sad moments but it was also very comforting to have the support of the family. We are really trying hard to be there for each other. After a prayer we headed home again, hoping, that we could leave some of the anxiety and tension at the gravesite.
I had been talking with my therapist that it might be helpful for me and my family if I took some of the cooking over around the holidays. My mum usually does the cooking but does not enjoy it all too much. I love to cook but not at home where I don’t feel like I can control the process. Now the plan was that I just preplanned everything and then both my mum and me would be more relaxed knowing that the cooking would be taken care of. It really worked, and on Christmas eve me and my siblings all worked together to get some sauces fixed for the fondue meal we had planned. It turned out to be a nice, peaceful and, as Sophie or Dorothée put it, very grown up meal. First we went into the living room where they had the Christmas tree and heard the Christmas story read by my dad, sung a song and then went over to have the meal. After eating for a couple of hours we thought it would be nice to open some presents, which we did in a relaxed way. Instead of two people opening all their gifts at the same time we took turns after one gift this time. Everything was a bit different but it still felt alright since there was no pressure to do something the ‘right’ way. Around midnight we then settled with a glass of wine around the table, reliving the night and relaxing some more. I think all of us found this Christmas to be in the end almost more peaceful and harmonic than the previous one (Alexander had caused a very tense atmosphere then).
Even though this was a bit longer I felt like I needed to share this, also to remind me of it in the future.
Luke and I came to my parent’s house on Christmas eve. We had planned to attend church that afternoon at 4.30 pm, so there was a little chatting before we had to get changed and ready for the service. My sister Sophie was sick so she stayed home for the service. All of us were waiting in the hallway for Dorothée to get ready. Finally I went upstairs to find her in tears saying that she did not want to come along. She had had a fight with Sophie again and was scared of everyone at church seeing that she had cried. Thankfully I could convince her to come along but it was so awful to feel this tension between all of us! This little problem made us late for church; we entered just on time into a completely packed church, only standing room left. It was a nice service, the priest mentioned the grieving and sad people around this supposedly joyful time, too, which really helped all of us, especially my mum. We sang a lot during the service, something we had always done at home. When Silent Night was sung it gave me a weird feeling since I never really liked that song but Alexander really loved it. After the service we picked Sophie up and went to the cemetery. It was dark but there were so many candles light on the graves in the snow that it had a very peaceful atmosphere around it. Some people had put up little Christmas trees on their graves and on almost every single on of them were candles lit. My mum had a branch of our Christmas tree cut of with a few ornaments on and a candle that we put on Alexander’s and my grandpa’s grave. It was the first time that all of us were together at the grave again since the funeral. There were very sad moments but it was also very comforting to have the support of the family. We are really trying hard to be there for each other. After a prayer we headed home again, hoping, that we could leave some of the anxiety and tension at the gravesite.
I had been talking with my therapist that it might be helpful for me and my family if I took some of the cooking over around the holidays. My mum usually does the cooking but does not enjoy it all too much. I love to cook but not at home where I don’t feel like I can control the process. Now the plan was that I just preplanned everything and then both my mum and me would be more relaxed knowing that the cooking would be taken care of. It really worked, and on Christmas eve me and my siblings all worked together to get some sauces fixed for the fondue meal we had planned. It turned out to be a nice, peaceful and, as Sophie or Dorothée put it, very grown up meal. First we went into the living room where they had the Christmas tree and heard the Christmas story read by my dad, sung a song and then went over to have the meal. After eating for a couple of hours we thought it would be nice to open some presents, which we did in a relaxed way. Instead of two people opening all their gifts at the same time we took turns after one gift this time. Everything was a bit different but it still felt alright since there was no pressure to do something the ‘right’ way. Around midnight we then settled with a glass of wine around the table, reliving the night and relaxing some more. I think all of us found this Christmas to be in the end almost more peaceful and harmonic than the previous one (Alexander had caused a very tense atmosphere then).
Even though this was a bit longer I felt like I needed to share this, also to remind me of it in the future.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Only a few more days till christmas
Almost Christmas. This December was different for me. Normally, I plan at least some of my gifts fairly early but still have most not ready in the beginning of December. This year I was in denial that Christmas was anywhere near since the stores brought up their Christmas decoration, so since September. Then in December I had a hard time denying it any further. So I somehow thought now it is just around the corner. Beginning or end of December, it was all the same. And so I rushed through my list of presents to buy, hurried to have enough Christmas treats and had too much alcohol in general (I think it was a doomed to fail attempt to forget that it was really the season…). Anyway, now it is here. I am almost completely done with my presents, the two persons I have left (my dad and an aunt) will get done today, latest tomorrow. The last few days before Christmas eve I will be baking cookies, a tradition that I did not want to continue this year but then I could not pass this once a year opportunity to smother everyone, whether they want it or not, in my cookies. And as written previously cooking or even more so baking calms me down, is almost a yoga-type state for me. This especially sets in when I do the decorations of the single cookies. They have to be perfect and it just absorbs me so much that I forget the world around me completely.
So, what does this all have to do with Alexander? Not much, I guess. Just this feeling of uneasiness around Christmas is new. I loved the season, I loved our traditions or even experiencing something new with Luke’s family when we were over there. But now I look forward to being with the family but dread it at the same time. So many things will be different this year, in a way more the way that Alexander always wanted them to be. Normally there is much focus Christmas eve on the feeling of being together and the presents. Coming from such a big family I guess it sort of just happens that the presents get that focus since it simply takes time until all of them are unwrapped. Alexander always wanted us to remember the true reason for celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. I never really noticed this focus on presents until this years so I had a hard time understanding what he meant. I simply loved my childhood Christmases. Now this year we are planning to have a long dinner (fondue) and then will only unwrap one present each, the rest will be opened Christmas day.
Why am I so uneasy with this thought? Why am I having the same concentration problems I got so used to but thought was halfway done with? Why am I not looking forward to being with my family? I think it is something that we will especially notice how much he is missing. And it will be a tiny bit more real than it was before. I dread these moments of realizing the magnitude of Alexander’s decision. I am scared of arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings among us. We will still be eight people together, all of us mourning for the same person and yet all of us individually. Misunderstandings are so very likely. I feel responsible for making sure that this will not happen and get scared since I am not confident in my ability to stop every single argument. I hope Alexander will somehow be with us and help all of us to get through those tough days without being angry at each other.
So, what does this all have to do with Alexander? Not much, I guess. Just this feeling of uneasiness around Christmas is new. I loved the season, I loved our traditions or even experiencing something new with Luke’s family when we were over there. But now I look forward to being with the family but dread it at the same time. So many things will be different this year, in a way more the way that Alexander always wanted them to be. Normally there is much focus Christmas eve on the feeling of being together and the presents. Coming from such a big family I guess it sort of just happens that the presents get that focus since it simply takes time until all of them are unwrapped. Alexander always wanted us to remember the true reason for celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. I never really noticed this focus on presents until this years so I had a hard time understanding what he meant. I simply loved my childhood Christmases. Now this year we are planning to have a long dinner (fondue) and then will only unwrap one present each, the rest will be opened Christmas day.
Why am I so uneasy with this thought? Why am I having the same concentration problems I got so used to but thought was halfway done with? Why am I not looking forward to being with my family? I think it is something that we will especially notice how much he is missing. And it will be a tiny bit more real than it was before. I dread these moments of realizing the magnitude of Alexander’s decision. I am scared of arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings among us. We will still be eight people together, all of us mourning for the same person and yet all of us individually. Misunderstandings are so very likely. I feel responsible for making sure that this will not happen and get scared since I am not confident in my ability to stop every single argument. I hope Alexander will somehow be with us and help all of us to get through those tough days without being angry at each other.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Disappointments
Why does it hurt so much? Every day again? Why, oh why?
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Over seven months now
Dear Alexander,
it has been a while since I wrote you. I miss you every day and keep on thinking about you. Yesterday I thought about your illness again. I am certain that you could have continued to live if you only wanted. I believe that you would have been strong enough to succeed in your fight against your bipolar depression. This, however, just makes me more mad that you decided not to try and fight seriously. But I am getting closer to accepting your decision, it just makes me incredibly sad that you decided to leave us. We all miss you so much.
Now all of us are planning Christmas very anxiously. We are all anticipating a very difficult time, especially since mum is so very weak still. Do you see her? She lost so much weight, is still eating almost nothing and just so incredibly thin. I wish there was a way to give her a bit more strength, she needs it. So Christmas. I am one of the ones who want to change everything since I think it won’t be the same any more anyway. But I guess our little sisters still love Christmas the way it always was. It is difficult to find a consensus between all of us. And this is not an argument over presents or anything you would be pleased. I remember how you always wanted us to look at the true meaning of Christmas, I believe, because you did not believe in it yourself and just wanted to so badly. Well, it is not about Christmas now, it is all about trying to get passed this holiday. It will be so sad not to have your beautiful voice among us. I wonder whether we will even sing or not.
Some days are still so very hard for me. Will it ever get better? Do you see us and help us? I wish I would ever get some answers from you, see you in my dreams or hear something someway from you. I miss you.
Yours, Carola
it has been a while since I wrote you. I miss you every day and keep on thinking about you. Yesterday I thought about your illness again. I am certain that you could have continued to live if you only wanted. I believe that you would have been strong enough to succeed in your fight against your bipolar depression. This, however, just makes me more mad that you decided not to try and fight seriously. But I am getting closer to accepting your decision, it just makes me incredibly sad that you decided to leave us. We all miss you so much.
Now all of us are planning Christmas very anxiously. We are all anticipating a very difficult time, especially since mum is so very weak still. Do you see her? She lost so much weight, is still eating almost nothing and just so incredibly thin. I wish there was a way to give her a bit more strength, she needs it. So Christmas. I am one of the ones who want to change everything since I think it won’t be the same any more anyway. But I guess our little sisters still love Christmas the way it always was. It is difficult to find a consensus between all of us. And this is not an argument over presents or anything you would be pleased. I remember how you always wanted us to look at the true meaning of Christmas, I believe, because you did not believe in it yourself and just wanted to so badly. Well, it is not about Christmas now, it is all about trying to get passed this holiday. It will be so sad not to have your beautiful voice among us. I wonder whether we will even sing or not.
Some days are still so very hard for me. Will it ever get better? Do you see us and help us? I wish I would ever get some answers from you, see you in my dreams or hear something someway from you. I miss you.
Yours, Carola
An important message
I have been in an online support group for siblings for a while now. Through the group I received this message from Father Rubey who runs a LOSS program in Chicago. I wanted to share it with you since I think it has some important thoughts in it that help me through this holiday season. It was sent on Thanksgiving but obviously is true much longer.
November 2009
I recently made a trip to Ireland to visit family. While I was there a very tragic event made the news. It was about the tragic deaths of two young men. Both were twenty-two years of age. One of them suffered from mental illness and went off his medications. He was stalking his ex-girlfriend who was dating the other young man. The young man who suffered from mental illness stabbed the other young man and killed him. The one suffering from mental illness then stabbed himself to death. He injured the young woman during the fracas. The mother of the young man who was stabbed to death gave a eulogy at her son’s funeral. She said some very powerful things that resonated with me. She said “And now I ask what is my God of small things saying to me about this incomprehensible act which took place in our home last Sunday morning. This tragic event caused mayhem in all of our lives and robbed us of a son and a brother. We live in a world of contrasts – big, small, hard, soft, good, bad, dark and light. One cannot paint a picture without at least two shades. It is the dark which gives definition to the light. Darkness is just the lack of light. On that Sunday morning my God of small things said to me that one boy represented the light and the other boy represented the darkness through no fault of his own. Both played out their parts in the unfolding of God’s plan. As a result of this our family is faced with a choice. We can continue to live in darkness seeing only fear, anger,bitterness, resentment, blaming, blaming, blaming or are we ready to transmute this negativity? We can rise to the challenge with unconditional love knowing that we were born to this earth to grow. Our hearts are broken but maybe our hearts needed to be broken so that we could expand and grow.”
I thought of our LOSS family as I read this news account. Survivors’ hearts are broken as they mourn the tragic loss of a loved one from suicide. Survivors are met with a very big challenge as they grieve the loss of a loved from suicide. Survivors need to feel the tremendous pain resulting from the death of a loved from suicide. This is all part of the grief journey and it is very painful. But as this woman said, maybe hearts need to be broken in order to grow. Grow into what? That is the challenge of any survivor. Now that this tragedy has become part of the life of a survivor what is the survivor going to do with it? There can be a life of negativity and darkness or there can be a life of light and positive thinking. This takes time to develop into something positive but the question that each survivor must ask themselves is: What am I going to do with this tragic event? Hopefully, survivors are going to allow themselves to be transformed into positive thinking individuals who see rays of hope and growth in the tragic events of life.
We hear a lot about evolution these days. Our world is evolving constantly in different directions. We are also evolving and are part of an ongoing creative part of our world. We co-create with a higher power that some of us call God. We become participants in the process of life and we assist in developing the world around us. All around us we see growth and so must we grow from all of our life’s experiences –both the good and the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Our world is not fixed. It is constantly changing and evolving. The challenge for all of us is to see events in our lives not as obstacles or barriers but as opportunities for human growth and evolution into richer and more caring human beings. That is not always an easy task. It is very demanding and sometimes it is a very painful experience. Survivors can bemoan the fact that pain has entered their lives. There is no rhyme or reason why the suicide of a loved one enters someone’s life. Survivors try to figure out why this happened to them. That is a very normal question to ask. It has happened and now what will a survivor do with this awful experience? That is the crucial question and one that survivors need to ask themselves. Will this experience be the cause of destruction or will it be the cause of human growth and evolution into a more positive and caring person and one who will see this experience as an opportunity to become a better person. That is the challenge.
As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, hopefully we can experience things to be thankful for. Survivors will always miss that loved one who found life too painful but there are other people who are a part of the lives of survivors. They are gifts to a broken heart. They are rays of hope to the crestfallen. They are reasons to be thankful on this day and this time of the year. Survivors can concentrate on what is missing or they can concentrate on what is present. The evolving person can be richer and more appreciative of what one has in life. The evolving person has survived a great challenge, That is reason to be thankful.
Survivors long for the life that they had before the suicide. They want to hark back to what once was and never will be again. The challenge is to embrace the evolving person and to embrace the situations in life that can be the cause of a new and enriched person. Life is a continuing process of evolution and survivors can either get lost in the process or be a part of this evolution. My prayer is that you are part of the latter.
As I gather on Thanksgiving Day I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers for you because I am very grateful to be a part of this family. I am enriched and better because I have journeyed this path with many of you. Thanks for allowing me this unique opportunity. I encourage you to remember each other in thought and prayer –especially on thanksgiving Day and especially for those who have recently joined our family.
Keep On Keepin' On.
Father Rubey
November 2009
I recently made a trip to Ireland to visit family. While I was there a very tragic event made the news. It was about the tragic deaths of two young men. Both were twenty-two years of age. One of them suffered from mental illness and went off his medications. He was stalking his ex-girlfriend who was dating the other young man. The young man who suffered from mental illness stabbed the other young man and killed him. The one suffering from mental illness then stabbed himself to death. He injured the young woman during the fracas. The mother of the young man who was stabbed to death gave a eulogy at her son’s funeral. She said some very powerful things that resonated with me. She said “And now I ask what is my God of small things saying to me about this incomprehensible act which took place in our home last Sunday morning. This tragic event caused mayhem in all of our lives and robbed us of a son and a brother. We live in a world of contrasts – big, small, hard, soft, good, bad, dark and light. One cannot paint a picture without at least two shades. It is the dark which gives definition to the light. Darkness is just the lack of light. On that Sunday morning my God of small things said to me that one boy represented the light and the other boy represented the darkness through no fault of his own. Both played out their parts in the unfolding of God’s plan. As a result of this our family is faced with a choice. We can continue to live in darkness seeing only fear, anger,bitterness, resentment, blaming, blaming, blaming or are we ready to transmute this negativity? We can rise to the challenge with unconditional love knowing that we were born to this earth to grow. Our hearts are broken but maybe our hearts needed to be broken so that we could expand and grow.”
I thought of our LOSS family as I read this news account. Survivors’ hearts are broken as they mourn the tragic loss of a loved one from suicide. Survivors are met with a very big challenge as they grieve the loss of a loved from suicide. Survivors need to feel the tremendous pain resulting from the death of a loved from suicide. This is all part of the grief journey and it is very painful. But as this woman said, maybe hearts need to be broken in order to grow. Grow into what? That is the challenge of any survivor. Now that this tragedy has become part of the life of a survivor what is the survivor going to do with it? There can be a life of negativity and darkness or there can be a life of light and positive thinking. This takes time to develop into something positive but the question that each survivor must ask themselves is: What am I going to do with this tragic event? Hopefully, survivors are going to allow themselves to be transformed into positive thinking individuals who see rays of hope and growth in the tragic events of life.
We hear a lot about evolution these days. Our world is evolving constantly in different directions. We are also evolving and are part of an ongoing creative part of our world. We co-create with a higher power that some of us call God. We become participants in the process of life and we assist in developing the world around us. All around us we see growth and so must we grow from all of our life’s experiences –both the good and the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Our world is not fixed. It is constantly changing and evolving. The challenge for all of us is to see events in our lives not as obstacles or barriers but as opportunities for human growth and evolution into richer and more caring human beings. That is not always an easy task. It is very demanding and sometimes it is a very painful experience. Survivors can bemoan the fact that pain has entered their lives. There is no rhyme or reason why the suicide of a loved one enters someone’s life. Survivors try to figure out why this happened to them. That is a very normal question to ask. It has happened and now what will a survivor do with this awful experience? That is the crucial question and one that survivors need to ask themselves. Will this experience be the cause of destruction or will it be the cause of human growth and evolution into a more positive and caring person and one who will see this experience as an opportunity to become a better person. That is the challenge.
As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, hopefully we can experience things to be thankful for. Survivors will always miss that loved one who found life too painful but there are other people who are a part of the lives of survivors. They are gifts to a broken heart. They are rays of hope to the crestfallen. They are reasons to be thankful on this day and this time of the year. Survivors can concentrate on what is missing or they can concentrate on what is present. The evolving person can be richer and more appreciative of what one has in life. The evolving person has survived a great challenge, That is reason to be thankful.
Survivors long for the life that they had before the suicide. They want to hark back to what once was and never will be again. The challenge is to embrace the evolving person and to embrace the situations in life that can be the cause of a new and enriched person. Life is a continuing process of evolution and survivors can either get lost in the process or be a part of this evolution. My prayer is that you are part of the latter.
As I gather on Thanksgiving Day I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers for you because I am very grateful to be a part of this family. I am enriched and better because I have journeyed this path with many of you. Thanks for allowing me this unique opportunity. I encourage you to remember each other in thought and prayer –especially on thanksgiving Day and especially for those who have recently joined our family.
Keep On Keepin' On.
Father Rubey
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Missing
The last few days have been hard again. There was pressure from my work, I had to give a presentation and felt like I was not well enough prepared for it. Somehow I got it done but it took a few days to come down again. And then all there was left was this incredible sadness. I had not experienced it with this much force in a while but then yesterday all there was left was tears. I miss him so much. And especially this holiday season it is hard. Everyone expects you to be happy. But I am scared of this Christmas. I just don't know how it will be and I am scared to face my always, visibly sad mum. Oh Alexander, did you know what you were doing?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Some Childhood Memories
Sometimes, when I am doing something entirely different it still comes back. All of a sudden I have to think about Alexander, it comes just like a wave that hits me once I am off guard. What a strange thing is death. What comes afterwards? Are we transcending into a different form of being? Will me meet again? Oh if I only had an answer. But then again, maybe I would not want to hear it either.
I miss my brother. Alexander was a very interesting brother, the one I have had most difficulties with of all my brothers. He was very strong-minded, very intelligent and incredibly charming, good-looking and gifted in many ways. In the last few years the strong-mindedness turned more and more into a very aggressive behavior that was hard to take and deal with for my entire family. But this was not always like that.
I remember having the greatest time with him when we were little. We could play for hours and hours, Playmobil, Lego, races with Matchbox cars and building blocks, playing with dolls, performing plays that we wrote ourselves or fairy tales, we did it all. It was always us three oldest siblings, Alexander, Walter and me. Of course we also argued as all siblings do but I remember the good times better. We had a very happy and protected childhood. In the weekends we would go to our cabin in the mountains where we had running (cold) water but no electricity or heating. Our parents showed us how we could have the greatest time there with very primitive means. We build dams along creeks, showered under a waterfall, tried unsuccessfully to ride cows, went hiking and in the long summer evenings we played board games for what seemed forever. Alexander was very determined to win or be the best in all our little games and very often he also reached his goals. Obviously, this became a source of conflict between us, especially though between him and Walter who was much less successful. The nicest moments between us were when we were lying in bed in our cabin where we had to share one room with the next youngest, Magnus. We would whisper with each other for hours or try to listen to my parents talking in the room next door. There was so much trust between us, so much love for each other, so much innocence. It was the most wonderful time of my childhood up in this little cabin.
I miss my brother. Alexander was a very interesting brother, the one I have had most difficulties with of all my brothers. He was very strong-minded, very intelligent and incredibly charming, good-looking and gifted in many ways. In the last few years the strong-mindedness turned more and more into a very aggressive behavior that was hard to take and deal with for my entire family. But this was not always like that.
I remember having the greatest time with him when we were little. We could play for hours and hours, Playmobil, Lego, races with Matchbox cars and building blocks, playing with dolls, performing plays that we wrote ourselves or fairy tales, we did it all. It was always us three oldest siblings, Alexander, Walter and me. Of course we also argued as all siblings do but I remember the good times better. We had a very happy and protected childhood. In the weekends we would go to our cabin in the mountains where we had running (cold) water but no electricity or heating. Our parents showed us how we could have the greatest time there with very primitive means. We build dams along creeks, showered under a waterfall, tried unsuccessfully to ride cows, went hiking and in the long summer evenings we played board games for what seemed forever. Alexander was very determined to win or be the best in all our little games and very often he also reached his goals. Obviously, this became a source of conflict between us, especially though between him and Walter who was much less successful. The nicest moments between us were when we were lying in bed in our cabin where we had to share one room with the next youngest, Magnus. We would whisper with each other for hours or try to listen to my parents talking in the room next door. There was so much trust between us, so much love for each other, so much innocence. It was the most wonderful time of my childhood up in this little cabin.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Six months
My dear Alexander,
it is a little over six months now that you are gone. A long, long time, it seems, and very hard to comprehend. The shock and helplessness still are prevalent for most of the time. I still have difficulties concentrating which is really hindering my work. I miss you every day, I think of you every day. When you were alive I did not talk to you so often, sure. But I always knew you were there and we could catch up some time later. I knew I could get your opinion on things that were on my mind if I wanted to. Now all of that is impossible.
Last night I saw you in my dream. It was a dream of a family holiday like the one we had in August, without you. Only this time you were there. But you were not enjoying yourself, you were just complaining about the activities we did, how boring and superficial everything was and how you wanted more. We tried to explain that what we were experiencing was amazing and wonderful. You did not see that and created an awful atmosphere for everyone with your complaints. This situation could have very well been happening in August had you been still alive. I do not fool myself that you would have healed from you depression so quickly. But even though you ruined the atmosphere that was so wonderful before you started complaining I did not want to wake up from my dream. It was too happy to see you again after such a long time. And alive! You could have complained forever if I could only see you alive.
I miss you my dear brother. You are missed so much by all of us.
At the same time all of us are trying to put their lives together piece by piece. Once I get into a better working mode I think I cannot complain. I am trying to cope as well as I can. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. Often still very, very hard. Especially with Christmas approaching. Oh, I miss you brother.
Yours, Carola
it is a little over six months now that you are gone. A long, long time, it seems, and very hard to comprehend. The shock and helplessness still are prevalent for most of the time. I still have difficulties concentrating which is really hindering my work. I miss you every day, I think of you every day. When you were alive I did not talk to you so often, sure. But I always knew you were there and we could catch up some time later. I knew I could get your opinion on things that were on my mind if I wanted to. Now all of that is impossible.
Last night I saw you in my dream. It was a dream of a family holiday like the one we had in August, without you. Only this time you were there. But you were not enjoying yourself, you were just complaining about the activities we did, how boring and superficial everything was and how you wanted more. We tried to explain that what we were experiencing was amazing and wonderful. You did not see that and created an awful atmosphere for everyone with your complaints. This situation could have very well been happening in August had you been still alive. I do not fool myself that you would have healed from you depression so quickly. But even though you ruined the atmosphere that was so wonderful before you started complaining I did not want to wake up from my dream. It was too happy to see you again after such a long time. And alive! You could have complained forever if I could only see you alive.
I miss you my dear brother. You are missed so much by all of us.
At the same time all of us are trying to put their lives together piece by piece. Once I get into a better working mode I think I cannot complain. I am trying to cope as well as I can. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. Often still very, very hard. Especially with Christmas approaching. Oh, I miss you brother.
Yours, Carola
Thursday, October 22, 2009
For Alexander
My dear brother,
I am so sorry I never wrote you so many letters when you were alive. I know I failed there and there is no excuse for me not letting you feel how much I really love you. I hope you still knew it and can see me now desperately reaching out to you. I just miss you so terribly and my heart just breaks when I think that I will not ever see you again. It is so unfathomable. Is it really true or will I just wake up from this dream some day soon?
I am so sorry for so many things. I feel like I failed you in many ways and yet I also know that that is just the way I am and the way our relationship was. But I miss that relationship so much, I miss our conversations about stuff, important or unimportant, your crazy and sometimes sick thoughts. I wish I could have that conversation about suicide with you again. I would do so much different and answer differently. If I had ever really listened to you! I always accused you of being self-centered but I guess often I was the one who was. Maybe I also just wanted to not really think about what you were thinking and how much you were suffering. Maybe I was trying to protect myself from worrying to much about you. I am sorry about that and yet know it is to late to change anything anymore.
Alexander, I miss your laugh, the way that you laughed when you were just laughing about something, not at someone. I miss the look on your face when you were really happy. It becomes harder to imagine you being alive and yet I would hug you in an instant. Just come home, or come visit me. You know you are always welcome.
I miss you so much, my dear brother, it seems as if every day a little bit more. I hope you are doing fine.
With love,
your sister.
I am so sorry I never wrote you so many letters when you were alive. I know I failed there and there is no excuse for me not letting you feel how much I really love you. I hope you still knew it and can see me now desperately reaching out to you. I just miss you so terribly and my heart just breaks when I think that I will not ever see you again. It is so unfathomable. Is it really true or will I just wake up from this dream some day soon?
I am so sorry for so many things. I feel like I failed you in many ways and yet I also know that that is just the way I am and the way our relationship was. But I miss that relationship so much, I miss our conversations about stuff, important or unimportant, your crazy and sometimes sick thoughts. I wish I could have that conversation about suicide with you again. I would do so much different and answer differently. If I had ever really listened to you! I always accused you of being self-centered but I guess often I was the one who was. Maybe I also just wanted to not really think about what you were thinking and how much you were suffering. Maybe I was trying to protect myself from worrying to much about you. I am sorry about that and yet know it is to late to change anything anymore.
Alexander, I miss your laugh, the way that you laughed when you were just laughing about something, not at someone. I miss the look on your face when you were really happy. It becomes harder to imagine you being alive and yet I would hug you in an instant. Just come home, or come visit me. You know you are always welcome.
I miss you so much, my dear brother, it seems as if every day a little bit more. I hope you are doing fine.
With love,
your sister.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A song
Yesterday I spent quite some time searching the internet again. I made a CD for my sister with songs that helped me through some tough moments and had some room left on it. So I searched again and found this one, Hate me by Blue October.
It says so much and has such wonderful lyrics. For me it seems as if Alexander was speaking to me, as if these could be his words if he had ever recovered from his illness. It really moves me, makes me cry and yet I can’t stop listening.
Here are the lyrics:
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
It says so much and has such wonderful lyrics. For me it seems as if Alexander was speaking to me, as if these could be his words if he had ever recovered from his illness. It really moves me, makes me cry and yet I can’t stop listening.
Here are the lyrics:
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A Quote
I found this quote today on the internet, unfortunately I don't remember the source anymore. If I still find it again I will add it. I just really thought this to be so true:
Suicide does not solve the problems, it just shifts them on the shoulders of others.
Suicide does not solve the problems, it just shifts them on the shoulders of others.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Update
I have been so busy these last few weeks that I feel I had hardly any time to just let go and feel alright about it. There is still plenty of other stuff that I need to get done besides writing here but it feels as if something inside myself needs to get out. So here I am. The sun is shining, we have a beautiful autumn and yet I am so sad inside. For the first time since I can remember I am not thrilled about the beauty of nature at the moment. How strange and sad. Since my workload is quite high at the moment I am carrying my grief around everywhere. The only time I can truly relax is while cooking. This might seem strange to some but it is really true for me. It feels as if I am boiling, baking and frying my grief. I started doing this in summer when I had the urge to make jam and it continues to this date. It is not bad, it just takes a lot of time.
I have also had my - if I can say that at all = worst days ever. I could not stop crying, Luke had to come home in the middle of a workday. That was definitely a first. I learn to accept my feelings more, to accept that they are there for a reason, often protecting me where reason does not go. Where does this leave me? In as uncertain a spot as ever. I feel as if I have lost all control over myself. If my feelings decide to come out they do and I cannot stop them as often as I used to be able to. My therapist told me that this is alright, even desired. It still feels very strange and almost uncomfortable but I am trying to accept it. I feel the waves coming and going and thought I would know them by now. Albeit, every single one of them has it's own shape. It might be similar to one that I got through already but it is definitely shaped differently. I hope and pray I will get through this alright.
I have also had my - if I can say that at all = worst days ever. I could not stop crying, Luke had to come home in the middle of a workday. That was definitely a first. I learn to accept my feelings more, to accept that they are there for a reason, often protecting me where reason does not go. Where does this leave me? In as uncertain a spot as ever. I feel as if I have lost all control over myself. If my feelings decide to come out they do and I cannot stop them as often as I used to be able to. My therapist told me that this is alright, even desired. It still feels very strange and almost uncomfortable but I am trying to accept it. I feel the waves coming and going and thought I would know them by now. Albeit, every single one of them has it's own shape. It might be similar to one that I got through already but it is definitely shaped differently. I hope and pray I will get through this alright.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Rough days
I have had a few very rough days lately. It seems to me as if I suddenly start realizing that my dear brother is actually, really forever gone. Even though I knew this before it seems to sink in a bit more although I still doubt it is actually getting through to me. I miss him so very much. And all the time I ask myself whether it will really get better or what is going to happen to me. I dont recognize myself anymore. Yesterday I completely broke down at work, I didn´t even make it home anymore. I had to call my husband to come pick me up. Never has anything like that happened before. What a strange experience to be so completely unable to control your feelings. I simply could not stop crying.
We learned a few days ago that Alexander´s ex who split up with him in December last year, so five months before he commited suicide, went with her mum to the police after his death and gave them a five page report of what apperently had led to his suicide. In this “report“ she said that Alexander killed himself because he was driven to this by my parents. Apparently my parents just never gave him the love that he really needed and he was so upset about this that he could not live anymore. They reported that he was definitely not ill. Furthermore they claimed that the fact that many people left the church during the funeral service was because of the sermon the people disagreed with. The priest talked about Alexander´s split personality in a very good and truthful way stating both the amazing and awful parts of his character during his illness. We heard from a few people that they did not find a seat in the overcrowded church and additionaly could not even understand what was being said because the speakers did not work in that area so they left the church and waited outside. It is so awful to be blamed for the death and even more to have that publicly stated. I do not know what those people are thinking. I mean, even if it were all true the way they think it is, who would do such a thing and want to blame the surviving family? Isn´t it awful enough what we are going through? We just lost a brother, a son!! I am sooo angry. I hope I will never see them again in my life. Unfortunately this is unlikely since they live clos to my parents´. Why would you ever want to do something like that?
But my sadness within myself does not come from this awful story. It is more something deep within. I feel trapped inside many buildings, only at home it is halfway alright. I have no idea how I can overcome that feeling. I would need to be somewhere alone in nature but unfortunately that is pretty difficult around here. I am so angry that he did not even feel like he needed to say good-bye. I miss him, too, so badly. But mainly I am trying to understand why he did not feel this need to live anymore, how he could not believe that his life could change and be a good one. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I just am soo deeply sad even when I do something completely different and even if I am laughing.
I just had to get that out there, I feel like I can not tell anyone else. I don´t want to burden my mum and my other siblings, they are so involved in what they are doing themselves. Plus what could they do? But it helps already to write it down and tell you. I know this is a lot and not very organized but it just wanted to get out.
We learned a few days ago that Alexander´s ex who split up with him in December last year, so five months before he commited suicide, went with her mum to the police after his death and gave them a five page report of what apperently had led to his suicide. In this “report“ she said that Alexander killed himself because he was driven to this by my parents. Apparently my parents just never gave him the love that he really needed and he was so upset about this that he could not live anymore. They reported that he was definitely not ill. Furthermore they claimed that the fact that many people left the church during the funeral service was because of the sermon the people disagreed with. The priest talked about Alexander´s split personality in a very good and truthful way stating both the amazing and awful parts of his character during his illness. We heard from a few people that they did not find a seat in the overcrowded church and additionaly could not even understand what was being said because the speakers did not work in that area so they left the church and waited outside. It is so awful to be blamed for the death and even more to have that publicly stated. I do not know what those people are thinking. I mean, even if it were all true the way they think it is, who would do such a thing and want to blame the surviving family? Isn´t it awful enough what we are going through? We just lost a brother, a son!! I am sooo angry. I hope I will never see them again in my life. Unfortunately this is unlikely since they live clos to my parents´. Why would you ever want to do something like that?
But my sadness within myself does not come from this awful story. It is more something deep within. I feel trapped inside many buildings, only at home it is halfway alright. I have no idea how I can overcome that feeling. I would need to be somewhere alone in nature but unfortunately that is pretty difficult around here. I am so angry that he did not even feel like he needed to say good-bye. I miss him, too, so badly. But mainly I am trying to understand why he did not feel this need to live anymore, how he could not believe that his life could change and be a good one. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I just am soo deeply sad even when I do something completely different and even if I am laughing.
I just had to get that out there, I feel like I can not tell anyone else. I don´t want to burden my mum and my other siblings, they are so involved in what they are doing themselves. Plus what could they do? But it helps already to write it down and tell you. I know this is a lot and not very organized but it just wanted to get out.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thoughts after a while
It has been a while since I posted last. The holiday has been demanding. Even though the first week was very relaxing the last weeks were pretty stressful. Not only did we have another celebration of our marriage planned but there was also a big part of my family visiting my new family overseas. So there was lots of planning and organizing to do, wishes to fulfill and the constant attempt to make everyone (of a group of about 30 people) happy. Obviously, it did not work at all times. But the fact that there were people who were disappointed or sad because something did not work out the way they thought it should have bothered me tremendously. In addition to me grieving for Alexander I had to be a tour guide and helper in all situations. But sometimes I just felt low and needed time for myself. Not being able to have that was hard.
There were other moments, however, that were at the same time incredibly beautiful and sad. When we were out camping in the middle of nowhere and could see the stars above us, wake up to the most amazing scenery in the morning, it was hard to just enjoy this without being sad. I was sad that Alexander chose never to see this beauty and peacefulness. He decided to miss so many wonders this earth holds for you! This is something that is very hard for me to understand.
There were moments where I missed him so very much. When I felt so low and was disappointed in many of my family I know there is a slight chance that if he had been there and in a good mood that he would have come up to me and told me “just laugh about it, it’s ridiculous anyway” and I would have believed him. He had this way of making you laugh about things that were so serious for you and so important. But he could make you think they were nothing or just funny. I do not have anyone else in my big family who can do quite the same. I miss that so very much. I miss hearing him laugh, hearing his thoughts. And even though I miss that so much I still have a hard time imagining that he is really gone forever.
I noticed now, being back and giving myself more time than I could the last few weeks how my distinct memories of Alexander fade away. This is something very hard to acknowledge since I always believed this could never happen, I could never forget anything related to my brother. Now here I am, a little bit over four months since he decided to go and I notice that I cannot imagine the way he smelled anymore. I am most certain that I would immediately recognize it if I were to smell it again, but I cannot just recall the memory of it like I could before. Even his smile and his body structure from the way I could feel it when I hugged him is not as crystal clear as it was in the first few months. I am scared that I will loose more memories.
Why did he not call me when he needed help? Why did he not reach out to someone who could have helped him? Why did he not bother to say goodbye? Did he think nobody loved him? Where is he now? Can he hear me? My heart cries for him every day, every second. I miss him so much, more than I ever thought possible. And I am scared that I might loose someone else, most of all my husband. I cannot see myself living if he were not by my side. I pray that we can grow old together, and I pray that Alexander is safe and happy somewhere. I hope though that he can also see what he did to us, that he knows what we are going through, that my mum grieves so much that she cannot think about her other children nearly as much as she thinks about him. I am angry with Alexander for shifting the attention that my two youngest sisters deserve on their last year at home away from them even after his death. My parents are not the same anymore and my sisters feel it the most. Can he see that? Does he have to pay for what he did to us? I wish him peace with all my heart but would be so angry if only he could have it while all the rest of us are struggling and suffering. Does that make me mean and egoistic to think that? I hope not because I still care about him so much, love him so much. Yet I feel that I am exactly that, and I still can’t help but think this way.
There were other moments, however, that were at the same time incredibly beautiful and sad. When we were out camping in the middle of nowhere and could see the stars above us, wake up to the most amazing scenery in the morning, it was hard to just enjoy this without being sad. I was sad that Alexander chose never to see this beauty and peacefulness. He decided to miss so many wonders this earth holds for you! This is something that is very hard for me to understand.
There were moments where I missed him so very much. When I felt so low and was disappointed in many of my family I know there is a slight chance that if he had been there and in a good mood that he would have come up to me and told me “just laugh about it, it’s ridiculous anyway” and I would have believed him. He had this way of making you laugh about things that were so serious for you and so important. But he could make you think they were nothing or just funny. I do not have anyone else in my big family who can do quite the same. I miss that so very much. I miss hearing him laugh, hearing his thoughts. And even though I miss that so much I still have a hard time imagining that he is really gone forever.
I noticed now, being back and giving myself more time than I could the last few weeks how my distinct memories of Alexander fade away. This is something very hard to acknowledge since I always believed this could never happen, I could never forget anything related to my brother. Now here I am, a little bit over four months since he decided to go and I notice that I cannot imagine the way he smelled anymore. I am most certain that I would immediately recognize it if I were to smell it again, but I cannot just recall the memory of it like I could before. Even his smile and his body structure from the way I could feel it when I hugged him is not as crystal clear as it was in the first few months. I am scared that I will loose more memories.
Why did he not call me when he needed help? Why did he not reach out to someone who could have helped him? Why did he not bother to say goodbye? Did he think nobody loved him? Where is he now? Can he hear me? My heart cries for him every day, every second. I miss him so much, more than I ever thought possible. And I am scared that I might loose someone else, most of all my husband. I cannot see myself living if he were not by my side. I pray that we can grow old together, and I pray that Alexander is safe and happy somewhere. I hope though that he can also see what he did to us, that he knows what we are going through, that my mum grieves so much that she cannot think about her other children nearly as much as she thinks about him. I am angry with Alexander for shifting the attention that my two youngest sisters deserve on their last year at home away from them even after his death. My parents are not the same anymore and my sisters feel it the most. Can he see that? Does he have to pay for what he did to us? I wish him peace with all my heart but would be so angry if only he could have it while all the rest of us are struggling and suffering. Does that make me mean and egoistic to think that? I hope not because I still care about him so much, love him so much. Yet I feel that I am exactly that, and I still can’t help but think this way.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Four months
Dear Alexander
Today it is four months since you left us. It is still unbelievable and not fathomable that you left us forever. I have as hard of a time understanding it as on the first day.
Right now we are on the holiday that you were supposed to be on with us. We miss you every day, in fact, I notice that you are missing even more than at home. I don’t know whether you would be happy here or not, find our vacation exciting enough or not. But I know that we all do miss you and are so deeply sorry you decided to leave this world and all of us. Right now we are on our way to a big national park and are excited for hiking in the nature a bit. This sometimes makes me feel as if you were closer but also makes me aware of the decision you made. This is such a beautiful, great world with so many things to explore you really need a long life to feel you have seen a good portion of it. At least that is how I feel. So while creating this feeling of being closer to you it also makes me painfully aware that you must have been really ill to not want to see all of this world’s beauty. I wish you could tell me what made you make this decision. I still have all those questions I want to ask you. I have no idea how I will get through life having all of them unanswered. Can you hear me? Can you hear us crying for you? Do you see mum crying while all of us are laughing because she just sees you in the midst of us but you are still gone? Do you see how our life feels as if there is a big, gigantic dark cloud over it? Do you know that we don’t feel any wind that would help to blow it away? I miss you so much.
On Saturday we will have our wedding reception for the family over here. I know that my parents in law are really looking forward to it, but I wish it would not happen. I wish I would not have to go to it. I know I should start to live again and to celebrate again, too. But it is so hard when you are gone, Alexander! I miss you so much and, oh, if you were here, it would be all so happy! I would have asked you to sing for us again with your beautiful voice. Now we will have to sing ourselves without you as a supporting voice. How hard is this going to be. Will you be looking over us? Will you be, at least somehow, with us? I need to know that so that I can actually be there and not only in the past. Alexander, I love you and miss you so so much. I will never understand how you could do this, why you decided that life was not worth living for you. However, I hope and wish with all my heart that you found peace wherever you are. And I hope that you can look and see us crying for you so that you know at least now without your illness blocking your view how much we really love you. I hope you can somehow hear me crying out for you and wishing you well. I love you so much, my dear brother!
Today it is four months since you left us. It is still unbelievable and not fathomable that you left us forever. I have as hard of a time understanding it as on the first day.
Right now we are on the holiday that you were supposed to be on with us. We miss you every day, in fact, I notice that you are missing even more than at home. I don’t know whether you would be happy here or not, find our vacation exciting enough or not. But I know that we all do miss you and are so deeply sorry you decided to leave this world and all of us. Right now we are on our way to a big national park and are excited for hiking in the nature a bit. This sometimes makes me feel as if you were closer but also makes me aware of the decision you made. This is such a beautiful, great world with so many things to explore you really need a long life to feel you have seen a good portion of it. At least that is how I feel. So while creating this feeling of being closer to you it also makes me painfully aware that you must have been really ill to not want to see all of this world’s beauty. I wish you could tell me what made you make this decision. I still have all those questions I want to ask you. I have no idea how I will get through life having all of them unanswered. Can you hear me? Can you hear us crying for you? Do you see mum crying while all of us are laughing because she just sees you in the midst of us but you are still gone? Do you see how our life feels as if there is a big, gigantic dark cloud over it? Do you know that we don’t feel any wind that would help to blow it away? I miss you so much.
On Saturday we will have our wedding reception for the family over here. I know that my parents in law are really looking forward to it, but I wish it would not happen. I wish I would not have to go to it. I know I should start to live again and to celebrate again, too. But it is so hard when you are gone, Alexander! I miss you so much and, oh, if you were here, it would be all so happy! I would have asked you to sing for us again with your beautiful voice. Now we will have to sing ourselves without you as a supporting voice. How hard is this going to be. Will you be looking over us? Will you be, at least somehow, with us? I need to know that so that I can actually be there and not only in the past. Alexander, I love you and miss you so so much. I will never understand how you could do this, why you decided that life was not worth living for you. However, I hope and wish with all my heart that you found peace wherever you are. And I hope that you can look and see us crying for you so that you know at least now without your illness blocking your view how much we really love you. I hope you can somehow hear me crying out for you and wishing you well. I love you so much, my dear brother!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Travelling
We are getting ready to leave for visiting family over the ocean. We have been looking forward to this trip for a very long time. It will be very nice especially since my family is going to see where Luke’s family comes from for the first time. And yet it is so difficult for me to leave our little apartment here. Somehow I feel safe here, if something happens I could be anywhere in a short time. I am so scared of leaving this safety behind. Somehow it relates to Alexander, too. Obviously it is not really logical but when is grief logical.
I broke down while packing yesterday and a big chunk of tears is still sitting inside me waiting for me to let it out. I try to lock it up for a while because it hurts so much. And yet it is not better to lock it up since then you carry the sadness everywhere you go but don’t get better. But I am so scared, so scared of the pain it causes.
I broke down while packing yesterday and a big chunk of tears is still sitting inside me waiting for me to let it out. I try to lock it up for a while because it hurts so much. And yet it is not better to lock it up since then you carry the sadness everywhere you go but don’t get better. But I am so scared, so scared of the pain it causes.
Friday, August 14, 2009
My brother Alexander
Alexander was a difficult person. He was so egocentric, stubborn and sometimes downright mean. I have told you more about that in my last post. But Alexander was also an incredibly caring and loving brother. I know that he loved all of his siblings and was proud of us. He had the greatest smile I know and could look at you in a way that you simply had to love him. Not many people can capture you with one look, he certainly could – if he wanted to. He could be really funny and amuse you so much. But I think one of the things I love most about him is his way to be with you. Whenever he talks with you he is there 150% and it seems to you being with him that he is solely with you that moment. It is the same way when he hugs you and smiles looking at you. I would give so much to see that one more time.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.
Dreams and thoughts
I don’t dream much of Alexander. If I dream there are more somehow scary dreams that are not directly related to him. I wish I could see him in my dreams and ask him the questions that I have for him. But it is not happening. However my brother, Alexander’s twin brother, dreamt of him. In his dream Alexander sat on a chair, leaning back casually how he used to do it and said “well, guess it just is how it is now. Can’t change anything anymore. Gotta go with it.” This dream and what he said has been following me the last few days. This is probably partly because it is so much like Alexander. It sounds so exactly like something he might say if you asked him today. But I feel like I want more from him. I want to know whether he is sorry or not, would he do something different if he could choose again? Is he sorry for the pain he caused us? Or is he really still so narcissistic that he does not see what he does to his loved ones? I wish I could get an answer.
Alexander was a difficult brother. There used to be a time when we were really close, when we were children. I loved him dearly, we did excursions, sometimes even only the two of us. I could not imagine going with anyone of the others but him. Obviously, being brother and sister, we still got caught in fights a lot too but they were never really serious. When we were teenagers we fought a lot more. I think that I felt as if he challenged my position as the oldest child in the family. These were bad fights now and it took us a long time to get past them. I don’t think that we ever got as close as we have been in our early childhood however. In his last year on this earth he started confiding in me and told me many of his problems. From my knowledge of today I know that they were only a minor fraction of what was bothering him, but it was a start. I felt like I really wanted to help him, so I tried. I tried talking to him, getting him to seek professional help, just being there for him, listening to him, arguing with him etc. I turned out that nothing helped. I could do nothing to change his mind in the end. It makes me so sad to know that I failed him. I often just talked with my mum about how best to help him. I think that it might have been better to just direct all that energy in talking about how to help him directly towards him. But it was so difficult to advise him what to do. He wouldn’t want to hear much of it. Only in certain moments you would not get screamed at immediately or he would not turn back at you and hurt you so deeply that you had to turn from him. The fear of something like that happening often kept me from talking with him directly. I wish I had been so scared. I know I am strong enough to take a lot so why did I not just let it happen? I am sorry, Alexander, that I failed to help you. I can’t even accuse you that you did not tell me what you were thinking about. I knew you were contemplating to do it and yet I did not do enough to keep you from doing it. I feel so guilty for that.
Alexander was a difficult brother. There used to be a time when we were really close, when we were children. I loved him dearly, we did excursions, sometimes even only the two of us. I could not imagine going with anyone of the others but him. Obviously, being brother and sister, we still got caught in fights a lot too but they were never really serious. When we were teenagers we fought a lot more. I think that I felt as if he challenged my position as the oldest child in the family. These were bad fights now and it took us a long time to get past them. I don’t think that we ever got as close as we have been in our early childhood however. In his last year on this earth he started confiding in me and told me many of his problems. From my knowledge of today I know that they were only a minor fraction of what was bothering him, but it was a start. I felt like I really wanted to help him, so I tried. I tried talking to him, getting him to seek professional help, just being there for him, listening to him, arguing with him etc. I turned out that nothing helped. I could do nothing to change his mind in the end. It makes me so sad to know that I failed him. I often just talked with my mum about how best to help him. I think that it might have been better to just direct all that energy in talking about how to help him directly towards him. But it was so difficult to advise him what to do. He wouldn’t want to hear much of it. Only in certain moments you would not get screamed at immediately or he would not turn back at you and hurt you so deeply that you had to turn from him. The fear of something like that happening often kept me from talking with him directly. I wish I had been so scared. I know I am strong enough to take a lot so why did I not just let it happen? I am sorry, Alexander, that I failed to help you. I can’t even accuse you that you did not tell me what you were thinking about. I knew you were contemplating to do it and yet I did not do enough to keep you from doing it. I feel so guilty for that.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Three months
Dear Alexander,
it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.
I miss you, little brother.
Carola
it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.
I miss you, little brother.
Carola
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
New problems
With all those problems that have been unfolded in the aftermath of Alexander’s death I always made myself believe that this would not happen to me again, never again. I would hopefully see the signs early on and act in a better way. I would be able to help the person who might not even see he needs help.
Now, yes, already, I have a similar situation within my own family. A very close family member is behaving in ways I used to know from Alexander years ago. At this point it is in no way exactly like what it used to be like the last months of his life but how it was several years ago. And compared to that it is scarily similar. But what to do? I am just as helpless as ever, or almost. I hope that I can get that person to see a therapist, I guess, what changed is that I do see my own limits and those of my family clearer. I see where I need help. But I want to do more but am unable to help. I have to completely trust a therapist I do not know and believe in his/her ability. This family member does only seldom see the problems caused by him/her and mainly blames the others. There are outbursts of accusations and ugly at that which cause big problems within the family. I feel so helpless again, so tied down. Again I can only hope I am doing things better, I do not know it. I am so scared of a similar spiral as Alexander’s.
Now, yes, already, I have a similar situation within my own family. A very close family member is behaving in ways I used to know from Alexander years ago. At this point it is in no way exactly like what it used to be like the last months of his life but how it was several years ago. And compared to that it is scarily similar. But what to do? I am just as helpless as ever, or almost. I hope that I can get that person to see a therapist, I guess, what changed is that I do see my own limits and those of my family clearer. I see where I need help. But I want to do more but am unable to help. I have to completely trust a therapist I do not know and believe in his/her ability. This family member does only seldom see the problems caused by him/her and mainly blames the others. There are outbursts of accusations and ugly at that which cause big problems within the family. I feel so helpless again, so tied down. Again I can only hope I am doing things better, I do not know it. I am so scared of a similar spiral as Alexander’s.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Memory thoughts
Memory is such a strange thing. It comes and goes, and yet it is with you at all times. It is only more prevalent at certain times than at others. With my memories of Alexander comes my grief. It is similar to my memories, it also comes and goes and differs in intensity but it is always there underneath. And mostly, when it does come out, it hits hard.
I notice new sides of me. I feel like I am getting to know myself in another way. These sides have been there before, too, but I did not notice them or at least not to that degree. One of these is that I try to avoid masses of people more than I used to. While I was never one for many people they also did not bother me. Now they do mostly. I like being alone or with close family or friends while I find it much harder to be with friends not so close and trying to talk about stuff I do not want to talk about. But I see differences there more clearly than I used to, too. For example I notice that I make much more of an effort to meet family members that I am not so close to but who might like to become closer and get to know each other better. Even when this is not always easy I feel like it is important to know for myself that I tried at least to be in contact. I guess these things are driven by my underlying fear of someone else leaving me forever without saying a proper goodbye and leaving me again with the feeling of guilt that I did not try hard enough. Rationally I do understand that this is not going to change anything. If I would feel guilty these times of previous visiting would unlikely change that. And yet I am trying, fighting.
This is hard to do when you have part of your family on a different continent. I hope we will still spend some quality time together when we come to visit in August and September since I know more than ever how important this is.
And then I had a very important interview today. I had difficulties preparing for it since I could not concentrate as much as I had hoped for. Even though I was very nervous since this will decide where I will be the next few years and what I will be doing I had a strange calmness about the whole thing. Even if it will not work out I know that I will find another way to do my stuff. I know that I have the things most important in my life already. I have the most wonderful husband and a great family and friends, a roof over my head and am not alone even in the darkest of my moments on this earth yet.
I notice new sides of me. I feel like I am getting to know myself in another way. These sides have been there before, too, but I did not notice them or at least not to that degree. One of these is that I try to avoid masses of people more than I used to. While I was never one for many people they also did not bother me. Now they do mostly. I like being alone or with close family or friends while I find it much harder to be with friends not so close and trying to talk about stuff I do not want to talk about. But I see differences there more clearly than I used to, too. For example I notice that I make much more of an effort to meet family members that I am not so close to but who might like to become closer and get to know each other better. Even when this is not always easy I feel like it is important to know for myself that I tried at least to be in contact. I guess these things are driven by my underlying fear of someone else leaving me forever without saying a proper goodbye and leaving me again with the feeling of guilt that I did not try hard enough. Rationally I do understand that this is not going to change anything. If I would feel guilty these times of previous visiting would unlikely change that. And yet I am trying, fighting.
This is hard to do when you have part of your family on a different continent. I hope we will still spend some quality time together when we come to visit in August and September since I know more than ever how important this is.
And then I had a very important interview today. I had difficulties preparing for it since I could not concentrate as much as I had hoped for. Even though I was very nervous since this will decide where I will be the next few years and what I will be doing I had a strange calmness about the whole thing. Even if it will not work out I know that I will find another way to do my stuff. I know that I have the things most important in my life already. I have the most wonderful husband and a great family and friends, a roof over my head and am not alone even in the darkest of my moments on this earth yet.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Family weekend
Finally we made it to my parents' this weekend. I was pretty nervous on Friday about how it would go, how it would hit me again. As I wrote in a previous post it always seems as if everything is getting more real when I am there and can be at the grave, too. I dread this feeling and at the same time I long for it as a way to start understanding, to start believing this actually happened. However, this time it was different. There was no such thing as understanding or believing. I think on a day where all of us are together and there is still someone missing I might start feeling it more. The past few days we were - now - almost complete, only my youngest brother missing. And Alexander, of course. But with two gone it seems normal, it was so rare that we were all together except for special occasions. And on Saturday we were working hard in the garden which kept thoughts to a minimum.
When we went to the grave today it still did not make me believe that my brother, my brother is actually buried there. Too surreal. Since it is also my grandfather's grave I see him there. I cannot shed any tears when I am there which makes me feel bad then, too.
What feels good is to talk about him and to share where we are standing. This, of course, is not always possible. On Saturday morning I think I was simply overwhelmed with so many dear family members around, making the same kind of bad jokes as always. I was sad and so those comments did not settle well with me. But then they are there for you too and give you a hug when you can take it. This is family, and I love it. I wish Alexander would have seen this amazing gift here, too. Then again I feel like he did know, he did feel it somewhere deep down. There must be a reason he did not do this when he was in the city he was studying in, that he did come home for so many weekends before. He would have never acknowledged that but I hope he felt it. I hope that he still felt somewhere deep down how much we all loved him. I know I am repeating myself here but this is so important to me, so so important. I wish I would have a way to tell him again how much he means to me.
I am not sure whether I mentioned this before but Alexander's vision of things and life in general were strongly changed by his bipolar disorder. In addition to that he took drugs for many years which might be the reason for his changed personality compared to his childhood. Now his drug use was not the most extensive and he managed very well to hide it from us how much he was taking. He did not make it easy for us to try to help him. In his bad times he kept pushing his loved ones away, hurting them knowingly and deep down. He was smart enough to know what to say or do. We still stood by him, loved him and kept trying and trying to do the right thing to make him see what he did. To understand this I have to say that none of us knew of his diagnosis until after his death. He himself must have, according to diaries, known from at least March onwards. While I did know he had depressions I still mainly believed that it was his temper that made him act like that. Now I know it was his illness. You would not believe how sorry he felt once he realized, often many months later, how he had hurt you. When another person would have forgotten about it he started thinking about it. And in his manic phases he was the most amazing brother ever. Sooo charming, so good looking, such a warm, catching smile, so smart and clever.
I noticed today how I am starting to remember those good times more. I just miss him so much that I think I am not forgetting, but simply feeling the good times more. Probably a natural thing but still so different. Of course there comes the fact too that I do now know what I did not then, that his illness often made him behave in a way different to what he might have done otherwise.
I plan to say a bit more about his personalty and his manic depression at some point although not today. Today I am just glad that I have my family and my dear husband to go through this together with.
When we went to the grave today it still did not make me believe that my brother, my brother is actually buried there. Too surreal. Since it is also my grandfather's grave I see him there. I cannot shed any tears when I am there which makes me feel bad then, too.
What feels good is to talk about him and to share where we are standing. This, of course, is not always possible. On Saturday morning I think I was simply overwhelmed with so many dear family members around, making the same kind of bad jokes as always. I was sad and so those comments did not settle well with me. But then they are there for you too and give you a hug when you can take it. This is family, and I love it. I wish Alexander would have seen this amazing gift here, too. Then again I feel like he did know, he did feel it somewhere deep down. There must be a reason he did not do this when he was in the city he was studying in, that he did come home for so many weekends before. He would have never acknowledged that but I hope he felt it. I hope that he still felt somewhere deep down how much we all loved him. I know I am repeating myself here but this is so important to me, so so important. I wish I would have a way to tell him again how much he means to me.
I am not sure whether I mentioned this before but Alexander's vision of things and life in general were strongly changed by his bipolar disorder. In addition to that he took drugs for many years which might be the reason for his changed personality compared to his childhood. Now his drug use was not the most extensive and he managed very well to hide it from us how much he was taking. He did not make it easy for us to try to help him. In his bad times he kept pushing his loved ones away, hurting them knowingly and deep down. He was smart enough to know what to say or do. We still stood by him, loved him and kept trying and trying to do the right thing to make him see what he did. To understand this I have to say that none of us knew of his diagnosis until after his death. He himself must have, according to diaries, known from at least March onwards. While I did know he had depressions I still mainly believed that it was his temper that made him act like that. Now I know it was his illness. You would not believe how sorry he felt once he realized, often many months later, how he had hurt you. When another person would have forgotten about it he started thinking about it. And in his manic phases he was the most amazing brother ever. Sooo charming, so good looking, such a warm, catching smile, so smart and clever.
I noticed today how I am starting to remember those good times more. I just miss him so much that I think I am not forgetting, but simply feeling the good times more. Probably a natural thing but still so different. Of course there comes the fact too that I do now know what I did not then, that his illness often made him behave in a way different to what he might have done otherwise.
I plan to say a bit more about his personalty and his manic depression at some point although not today. Today I am just glad that I have my family and my dear husband to go through this together with.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Watching videos
It was hard to concentrate today, again. I really need to prepare for an interview next Tuesday and still I am having so many problems with it.
I feel completely numb and so unable to cry when I think of Alexander. Looking up my brothers' emails I also looked up the ones I got from him. There was a link to a video he uploaded. On none of the you can actually see him since he is the one filming but you can here his voice, his laugh. It seems so alive. I cannot believe that he is not on this earth any longer. So, so hard to believe. You would think that after more than two months I would finally start realizing what happened. I fell as if the contrary is happening, I push it further and further and have no idea any more. I light candles for him, I listen to sad music but I rarely cry. I seldom feel completely down any more. But then I still have those problems concentrating, problems with getting myself organized and I am simply sad somewhere deep down. That I can feel but would be unable to tell you whether this comes from Alexander's death or something inside me. My rational tells me that the two are related but it is hard to understand.
I wish I could just cry for him. I feel almost as if I am being a bad sister not being able to cry for him. And then I also try to push the thought away, try to think there is no reason to cry. But there is, even though I am not completely able to realize the extent of this.
I feel completely numb and so unable to cry when I think of Alexander. Looking up my brothers' emails I also looked up the ones I got from him. There was a link to a video he uploaded. On none of the you can actually see him since he is the one filming but you can here his voice, his laugh. It seems so alive. I cannot believe that he is not on this earth any longer. So, so hard to believe. You would think that after more than two months I would finally start realizing what happened. I fell as if the contrary is happening, I push it further and further and have no idea any more. I light candles for him, I listen to sad music but I rarely cry. I seldom feel completely down any more. But then I still have those problems concentrating, problems with getting myself organized and I am simply sad somewhere deep down. That I can feel but would be unable to tell you whether this comes from Alexander's death or something inside me. My rational tells me that the two are related but it is hard to understand.
I wish I could just cry for him. I feel almost as if I am being a bad sister not being able to cry for him. And then I also try to push the thought away, try to think there is no reason to cry. But there is, even though I am not completely able to realize the extent of this.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Difficulties in communication
Usually I am pretty close to my mum. Especially now, after Alexander’s death, our feelings were similar and we could easily talk about them. It felt good to share. Not today. When we talked today it was really difficult for me. Lately, I feel like I need to be there for my mum who seems to have the same feelings of guilt over and over again. I do have them too, don’t get me wrong, but to a different degree. I feel so much guilt in very many aspects regarding Alexander. But with her it is different. She seems to feel nothing but guilt and grief, and it seems like her thoughts are so extremely focusing on Alexander that it is difficult for me to tell her what is going on with my life apart from my own grief about him. When I do tell her she listens but it seems as if she is so preoccupied with her own feelings that she does still listen and feel with me but not as much as she did before. She is too focused on Alexander. I do not mean this as an accusation but it is still difficult for me. Especially when I feel different about certain aspects of Alexander’s death. I do not think that a hug just before he left our home the very last time would have changed any of what he did later. It would help my mum, of that I am certain. And it would have been nice to know that he could feel my mum’s love one last time instead of just whishing him a good hunt. But I do believe that at this point, nothing could have changed his opinion of what he did to himself later. At least nothing my mum could have done.
When I try to tell her that I feel like she listens to me but does not believe it. Now I do not want to make her believe everything I think since it is all a big speculation what Alexander really was thinking. But I wish she could see that there are other possibilities, that it must not have been her fault. I wish I could help her. And when I feel like she does not understand me I grow silent and it must seem awful to her. Still I don’t want to end our phone conversation on that ground so we keep on going, mainly my mum telling me how she feels and what she thinks. I just feel so incredibly helpless then. I failed already one time when I tried to help. How could this change now? So I continue to be fairly silent and just listen. But it hurts not being able to help her, and it hurts that she seems so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t really see me on the other line anymore.
Before we talked I felt fine, now I am caught myself in those thoughts again. I hope I will still be able to get some of my stuff done since I have an interview next week. It is important that I can get my thoughts together and concentrate. However, sometimes it is oh so difficult.
When I try to tell her that I feel like she listens to me but does not believe it. Now I do not want to make her believe everything I think since it is all a big speculation what Alexander really was thinking. But I wish she could see that there are other possibilities, that it must not have been her fault. I wish I could help her. And when I feel like she does not understand me I grow silent and it must seem awful to her. Still I don’t want to end our phone conversation on that ground so we keep on going, mainly my mum telling me how she feels and what she thinks. I just feel so incredibly helpless then. I failed already one time when I tried to help. How could this change now? So I continue to be fairly silent and just listen. But it hurts not being able to help her, and it hurts that she seems so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t really see me on the other line anymore.
Before we talked I felt fine, now I am caught myself in those thoughts again. I hope I will still be able to get some of my stuff done since I have an interview next week. It is important that I can get my thoughts together and concentrate. However, sometimes it is oh so difficult.
Not knowing what to say
We have guests right now. They are friends of Luke but not close at all. However, they will be with us when we will celebrate our wedding again with Luke’s family in September. I believe that they do not know what happened on May 3.
It is difficult for me to tell them. I feel so lost. We looked at wedding pictures and she asked me how many brothers I had. The answer goes easy, I have three brothers, but it is still painful. I have three brothers but one of them is gone to a far away place. I don’t know where he is. I feel like they should know but I still can’t just go up and tell them, by the way… And then again, maybe they do know. It is also possible that they simply don’t know what to say and so they just left it. But I hate this not knowing how to deal with them.
Today seems to be a hard day. In a way that is good since I felt so numb the last few days. I could not cry or even really think about Alexander. I just lived my life passively. I have gone through enough waves to know that I will feel the pain in all its enormity again soon. Just when exactly this will happen I do not know. It seems as if I can only tell in retrospective.
It is difficult for me to tell them. I feel so lost. We looked at wedding pictures and she asked me how many brothers I had. The answer goes easy, I have three brothers, but it is still painful. I have three brothers but one of them is gone to a far away place. I don’t know where he is. I feel like they should know but I still can’t just go up and tell them, by the way… And then again, maybe they do know. It is also possible that they simply don’t know what to say and so they just left it. But I hate this not knowing how to deal with them.
Today seems to be a hard day. In a way that is good since I felt so numb the last few days. I could not cry or even really think about Alexander. I just lived my life passively. I have gone through enough waves to know that I will feel the pain in all its enormity again soon. Just when exactly this will happen I do not know. It seems as if I can only tell in retrospective.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
For Alexander
Dear Alexander,
I don't know whether you can somewhere hear me or get this message somehow. I truly wish that you do.
First of all, we love you, I love you. We love you so so much, all of us. And we miss you terribly, I do believe more than you could ever imagine. Certainly more than I could imagine to ever miss someone. We try to find answers to our questions of why you did this. We make up explanations knowing you would probably counter most of them with your logic.
It is hard for me to try to understand how you felt, even when so many people try to describe this state. Why did you not really seek treatment? Why did you not give your life a chance? Why did you not let me know how dark it was inside you? I know you made attempts, and I am so sorry I did not understand you. I am so truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time. Would you have done it anyway? Or could I have saved your life? Those questions are coming back again and again.
Sometimes, though, it is as if you are just gone for a holiday. I could not bring myself to delete your phone number in my mobile. Maybe you will call me again some day? Oh how I would long for that.
I know that sometimes you were bitter and full of revenge for this world. I hope that you feel different now, that you can feel all the love that I and all of our family always wanted to give you and have you feel. I truly hope that you did not do this only to show us something. This thought scares me. If you had to do this I hope you had to do it because you could not see any other way, even though I am sure there was one. I wish you could tell me what you felt when you had pulled that trigger, this millisecond in between. Did you wish you had not done it? Were you happy that it was all over, all your pain?
Alexander, I hope you feel better now. I hope that this helped at least one of us. I don’t know how you could do this. Would you have done it even if you had not had access to the weapons? Where did we not hear you, how could I have truly helped you? Could I have done something else? Oh I have so many things I want to ask you, I want to understand. I wish I could get answers, honest answers.
One thing I know though and am so sorry that I did not tell you often enough: I love you, my dear, dear Alexander, my dear brother. I love you!
Carola
I don't know whether you can somewhere hear me or get this message somehow. I truly wish that you do.
First of all, we love you, I love you. We love you so so much, all of us. And we miss you terribly, I do believe more than you could ever imagine. Certainly more than I could imagine to ever miss someone. We try to find answers to our questions of why you did this. We make up explanations knowing you would probably counter most of them with your logic.
It is hard for me to try to understand how you felt, even when so many people try to describe this state. Why did you not really seek treatment? Why did you not give your life a chance? Why did you not let me know how dark it was inside you? I know you made attempts, and I am so sorry I did not understand you. I am so truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time. Would you have done it anyway? Or could I have saved your life? Those questions are coming back again and again.
Sometimes, though, it is as if you are just gone for a holiday. I could not bring myself to delete your phone number in my mobile. Maybe you will call me again some day? Oh how I would long for that.
I know that sometimes you were bitter and full of revenge for this world. I hope that you feel different now, that you can feel all the love that I and all of our family always wanted to give you and have you feel. I truly hope that you did not do this only to show us something. This thought scares me. If you had to do this I hope you had to do it because you could not see any other way, even though I am sure there was one. I wish you could tell me what you felt when you had pulled that trigger, this millisecond in between. Did you wish you had not done it? Were you happy that it was all over, all your pain?
Alexander, I hope you feel better now. I hope that this helped at least one of us. I don’t know how you could do this. Would you have done it even if you had not had access to the weapons? Where did we not hear you, how could I have truly helped you? Could I have done something else? Oh I have so many things I want to ask you, I want to understand. I wish I could get answers, honest answers.
One thing I know though and am so sorry that I did not tell you often enough: I love you, my dear, dear Alexander, my dear brother. I love you!
Carola
Friday, July 3, 2009
Two months
Hard to believe, two months ago were the last few hours Alexander was with us on this earth. And I did not call him or do anything to let him know how much I love him. Despite all the arguments we sometimes had he was my younger, big brother. He is next to me in age, even if it is only by 20 minutes. Somehow it was still different. And now he influenced my life in a way I never could imagine one of my siblings to influence it.
I seem to be going through a phase in which I just do not believe what is going on. I have the feeling like I will simply some time wake up from this bad dream and he will be back again.
I have not been at my parents' for a little over a month. The time here has been hard at times. I was pleasantly surprised when my parents came last weekend for my birthday to visit us as a surprise. I enjoyed showing my dad the city and our surroundings. It was good that they were here. Of course we talked a bit about Alexander but it was not as prominent as it had been the times we had met before. I don't know whether this says something or not.
Last Saturday we went to a support group in town. It was an interesting experience. I almost chickened out but thankfully Luke convinced me to go. I felt so relieved afterward. It was not because they could really help me, I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but it was so comforting to be able to tell my story with all the small details that really keep me thinking to other people who would not be shocked, not be tempted to change the subject. They could actually listen. And the great thing was that then the topic moved on to some other person and his/her feelings and thoughts. For the first time when talking about Alexander it did not circulate only around him. This felt incredibly good. I am looking forward to the next meeting in a month.
On Tuesday I had to work a lot and was out for it. My mum called while I was gone for the first time and left a short message. I could hear in her voice that she was not doing well. When I called her back she did not have time to really talk since she was having lunch with my sister. She wanted to call me back but I mentioned that I wanted to take a nap before my next job which would run until late at night. Even though she understood I felt bad for quite a while. Did I let her down by not giving up my nap for her so she might feel better after talking with me? Very often do I feel this responsibility, not only for my mum but my dad, too, and especially my other siblings. I would not forgive myself not being there for them if they need me. I lost one of them, how could I survive losing someone else? I know that there is no immediate danger but this does not make me relax.
I seem to be going through a phase in which I just do not believe what is going on. I have the feeling like I will simply some time wake up from this bad dream and he will be back again.
I have not been at my parents' for a little over a month. The time here has been hard at times. I was pleasantly surprised when my parents came last weekend for my birthday to visit us as a surprise. I enjoyed showing my dad the city and our surroundings. It was good that they were here. Of course we talked a bit about Alexander but it was not as prominent as it had been the times we had met before. I don't know whether this says something or not.
Last Saturday we went to a support group in town. It was an interesting experience. I almost chickened out but thankfully Luke convinced me to go. I felt so relieved afterward. It was not because they could really help me, I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but it was so comforting to be able to tell my story with all the small details that really keep me thinking to other people who would not be shocked, not be tempted to change the subject. They could actually listen. And the great thing was that then the topic moved on to some other person and his/her feelings and thoughts. For the first time when talking about Alexander it did not circulate only around him. This felt incredibly good. I am looking forward to the next meeting in a month.
On Tuesday I had to work a lot and was out for it. My mum called while I was gone for the first time and left a short message. I could hear in her voice that she was not doing well. When I called her back she did not have time to really talk since she was having lunch with my sister. She wanted to call me back but I mentioned that I wanted to take a nap before my next job which would run until late at night. Even though she understood I felt bad for quite a while. Did I let her down by not giving up my nap for her so she might feel better after talking with me? Very often do I feel this responsibility, not only for my mum but my dad, too, and especially my other siblings. I would not forgive myself not being there for them if they need me. I lost one of them, how could I survive losing someone else? I know that there is no immediate danger but this does not make me relax.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Loosing ground
In the time after Alexander's death my family moved a lot closer together. This is true for us brothers and sisters, us and our parents, but also my aunts and uncles with their families. I have a pretty big family but most of them live around the town where my parents live. Still, before Alexander decided to leave us we did not meet all that often or even really talked. Of course we had big family celebrations together like my wedding with everybody coming but we still did not always take the time to simply meet over coffee. Now we meet more often, talk more, and they were even nice enough to bring over food in the first few weeks. My aunts still call my mum on most days to ask her how she is feeling. It is wonderful to know that there is family that tries to help us on this rough path.
One of my aunts is one of my godmothers and has always tried to be there for me. After we went back to our own home she wrote repeatedly a card or a letter to let me know she is thinking of me or to cheer me up. Now I received a parcel from her a few days ago. I thought how nice, I imagined a book about bereavement or something like that and opened it. I quickly found out that it was meant for my birthday. I just started crying, loosing ground, feeling so alone in this world. Luke was at work and I had my paper to write. So I had to deal with this alone. I had not expected to receive anything for my birthday yet. In fact I had not even thought of my birthday. I am not in the mood of celebrating anything. Even when I was a little kid I got scared of my own birthdays. I did not like being the special person for the day. Well, it was different for my wedding but to this day I am not a big fan of my birthdays. And certainly not this year. How can I skip this day? I just want to hide away from the world, be alone, all alone. And then this hurts, too. I do not know myself anymore. How could this happen? How can I stop feeling so out of touch with myself?
One of my aunts is one of my godmothers and has always tried to be there for me. After we went back to our own home she wrote repeatedly a card or a letter to let me know she is thinking of me or to cheer me up. Now I received a parcel from her a few days ago. I thought how nice, I imagined a book about bereavement or something like that and opened it. I quickly found out that it was meant for my birthday. I just started crying, loosing ground, feeling so alone in this world. Luke was at work and I had my paper to write. So I had to deal with this alone. I had not expected to receive anything for my birthday yet. In fact I had not even thought of my birthday. I am not in the mood of celebrating anything. Even when I was a little kid I got scared of my own birthdays. I did not like being the special person for the day. Well, it was different for my wedding but to this day I am not a big fan of my birthdays. And certainly not this year. How can I skip this day? I just want to hide away from the world, be alone, all alone. And then this hurts, too. I do not know myself anymore. How could this happen? How can I stop feeling so out of touch with myself?
My story - the funeral and the time since then
The day of the funeral was unreal. I do not know whether this is the word to describe it but certainly it was just not meant to be. I mean, how can I put my 23 year old brother to rest in a cemetery? He is meant to live for many more years! It is not right that he is in this coffin! I felt so helpless, I am the older sister, I should be able to help him, right? Why did he not come to me, why could I not help him? I would have moved heaven and earth to help him, to keep him alive!
I had not been to a service since my wedding. Isn't that awful? And then it happened that since were so many the front church pew was not long enough. So there were two chairs next to the pew. They were standing in the middle aisle. Since Luke and me were the last ones of my family to enter the church we had to sit there on those chairs. I could not help but think of our wedding just two weeks ago where we were sitting in a similar position but my world was still alright and the best it could have been.
Many of Alexander's friends had called us and wanted to contribute to the service. When his school friends, also trained singers, started singing, it was as if Alexander were up there. One of them had the same pitch of the voice. I wanted him to stop singing so badly even though it was so nice and beautiful and moving.
Our priest gave a wonderful sermon letting people know of how torn Alexander was inside himself without leaving out to mention his great smile, wonderful bright eyes, his warmth when he went to hug you. He had this wonderful gift of being 100% there for someone else who needed him. However, he could hurt you just as bad, too. And the priest encouraged us survivors to live. I am still trying.
There were hundreds of people to walk with him on his last way on this earth. Too many young people. I mean, there should be mainly old people when a funeral takes place, right?
Alexander had always said the last few weeks how he was so alone. There were sooo many friends of his there to be with him one last time! He was not alone. One of them wrote us later, even though Alexander could not see it any more, he had many friends who were there for him and now miss him dearly. A few brought a tree the day of his funeral. The next day they came to pick it up again - they were going to plant it in their garden but wanted to show him the tree first. Now they can still have him with them in years to come when they party or have barbecue in that garden. How wonderful and yet so depressing to know that he had the friends, but could simply not see it anymore.
On Saturday we moved his stuff out of his place in the town where he studied. I was not there, I did not need to see the room. Alexander had only moved in there right after our wedding, so he barely lived there for two weeks. Ever since then it became real in a certain way that he is gone when I saw his stuff.
On Sunday night we went back to our home. The next few weeks now almost two months were tough. I got to know myself in ways that I did not need to know. Sometimes I get angry and upset without reason. Sometimes poor Luke is in my way then. I am so sorry for not being able to deal with my emotions at all times. We went to see my parents fairly often. While it was good to see them it was always really hard to be there, too. But what I miss most here is not being able to go to his grave. The first month I could barely even cry. I thought I had to cry a lot. But tears came, although not nearly as often as I thought they had to come. Just before the first four weeks had passed I started having really bad weeks where I could not do anything. I had to write a paper for school but was unable to even do the tasks I usually do to keep me from my desk. I have never before felt so completely helpless. I finally managed to hand in my paper last Tuesday after receiving some help from my professor, my aunt and my parents. I believe I would not have managed to finish in time without their help. Thanks for your help!
I had not been to a service since my wedding. Isn't that awful? And then it happened that since were so many the front church pew was not long enough. So there were two chairs next to the pew. They were standing in the middle aisle. Since Luke and me were the last ones of my family to enter the church we had to sit there on those chairs. I could not help but think of our wedding just two weeks ago where we were sitting in a similar position but my world was still alright and the best it could have been.
Many of Alexander's friends had called us and wanted to contribute to the service. When his school friends, also trained singers, started singing, it was as if Alexander were up there. One of them had the same pitch of the voice. I wanted him to stop singing so badly even though it was so nice and beautiful and moving.
Our priest gave a wonderful sermon letting people know of how torn Alexander was inside himself without leaving out to mention his great smile, wonderful bright eyes, his warmth when he went to hug you. He had this wonderful gift of being 100% there for someone else who needed him. However, he could hurt you just as bad, too. And the priest encouraged us survivors to live. I am still trying.
There were hundreds of people to walk with him on his last way on this earth. Too many young people. I mean, there should be mainly old people when a funeral takes place, right?
Alexander had always said the last few weeks how he was so alone. There were sooo many friends of his there to be with him one last time! He was not alone. One of them wrote us later, even though Alexander could not see it any more, he had many friends who were there for him and now miss him dearly. A few brought a tree the day of his funeral. The next day they came to pick it up again - they were going to plant it in their garden but wanted to show him the tree first. Now they can still have him with them in years to come when they party or have barbecue in that garden. How wonderful and yet so depressing to know that he had the friends, but could simply not see it anymore.
On Saturday we moved his stuff out of his place in the town where he studied. I was not there, I did not need to see the room. Alexander had only moved in there right after our wedding, so he barely lived there for two weeks. Ever since then it became real in a certain way that he is gone when I saw his stuff.
On Sunday night we went back to our home. The next few weeks now almost two months were tough. I got to know myself in ways that I did not need to know. Sometimes I get angry and upset without reason. Sometimes poor Luke is in my way then. I am so sorry for not being able to deal with my emotions at all times. We went to see my parents fairly often. While it was good to see them it was always really hard to be there, too. But what I miss most here is not being able to go to his grave. The first month I could barely even cry. I thought I had to cry a lot. But tears came, although not nearly as often as I thought they had to come. Just before the first four weeks had passed I started having really bad weeks where I could not do anything. I had to write a paper for school but was unable to even do the tasks I usually do to keep me from my desk. I have never before felt so completely helpless. I finally managed to hand in my paper last Tuesday after receiving some help from my professor, my aunt and my parents. I believe I would not have managed to finish in time without their help. Thanks for your help!
Friday, June 26, 2009
My story - After the news
As said before, my mum wanted us down as soon as possible. I did not know what I wanted so I just tried to do what she told me to do. Since we do not own a car it was a little bit complicated to get down leaving around 10pm on a Sunday night. Thankfully, we could still rent a car, had friends of ours to drive us to the rental agency and then went onto the highway. It was a horrible drive. In the beginning we were still full of adrenaline but that left after two or so hours. Then it started raining heavily, and Luke had to drive all the way because I had enjoyed too much wine previously. It was a horrible drive. Around 2.30 in the morning we finally arrived at my parents house. I could only hold my parents, my brother and cry. Although it was so late we sat down and they told me what had happened.
That night we did not sleep much. In the morning we got up and were the first ones after my mum who was on the phone when we came into the dining room. We did not want to disturb her, so we left the room. When she hung up I could hear her starting to sob heavily. Immediately I went in to hug her but our dog was faster. The dog had heard my mum, too, and just went to her chair and leaned on her legs looking at her as if she was trying to comfort her. I will never forget this scene, how she was so fast in feeling what my mum needed.
The day was tough. We had to go to the funeral home and arrange the funeral. It was decided to be held on Friday, May 8. I created the draft of the obituary, too. That was the first time I really noticed that my brother was gone. You know, when you are children you are always called in a certain way. Well, it was so often that I put the names of the six of us in the order of birth next to each other. So when it came to put down the names of us siblings I just started writing the names, including Alexander. Only after I had written his name did I notice I had to delete it again. His name was on the top of the obituary. I am crying while typing this. I can still not believe that I really, really lost my younger brother. How could this happen?
The next day, Tuesday, Luke, my youngest brother and me went to see the priest that married Luke and me. It was good to talk with him. One thing of our conversation is still helping me. In the hope that it might still help someone else, too, I will share it here. Our priest told us about a young child with a fatal disease. The parents came to the priest to have their child baptized. He asked them how they could still be so hopeful. They answered that another young child had told them how it happened to be that their child had to die: It is really simple. God cannot heal him down here on earth, he has to take him up into heaven to be able to heal him completely.
That night the coffin was brought to our house for the viewing. Alexander stayed with us for the night. I went to see him and talk to him in the hope to really see myself that my brother is really gone. I did not recognize him anymore. Only his hands were still his hands. It did not give me the relieve I had hoped it would give me.
Early the next morning they picked him up again. When I saw the car with him disappear around the corner, leaving our home for the last time, it was as if something broke inside me again. And yet there was my mum behind me crying, too. Thankfully my brother was there to hold her, I could not have managed to do it.
The days before Friday were busy arranging flowers, talking with the priest who was going to do the sermon for Alexander, sending out the obituary notices and just being there for one another. We felt that we all got so incredibly close to one another. Not that we had not been close before, but this was a new closeness. I was glad to have a husband beside me to help me get through those days. As the oldest sister I felt like having to hold my younger siblings, being there for my parents, too. So I was and still am so grateful to have someone to lean on.
That night we did not sleep much. In the morning we got up and were the first ones after my mum who was on the phone when we came into the dining room. We did not want to disturb her, so we left the room. When she hung up I could hear her starting to sob heavily. Immediately I went in to hug her but our dog was faster. The dog had heard my mum, too, and just went to her chair and leaned on her legs looking at her as if she was trying to comfort her. I will never forget this scene, how she was so fast in feeling what my mum needed.
The day was tough. We had to go to the funeral home and arrange the funeral. It was decided to be held on Friday, May 8. I created the draft of the obituary, too. That was the first time I really noticed that my brother was gone. You know, when you are children you are always called in a certain way. Well, it was so often that I put the names of the six of us in the order of birth next to each other. So when it came to put down the names of us siblings I just started writing the names, including Alexander. Only after I had written his name did I notice I had to delete it again. His name was on the top of the obituary. I am crying while typing this. I can still not believe that I really, really lost my younger brother. How could this happen?
The next day, Tuesday, Luke, my youngest brother and me went to see the priest that married Luke and me. It was good to talk with him. One thing of our conversation is still helping me. In the hope that it might still help someone else, too, I will share it here. Our priest told us about a young child with a fatal disease. The parents came to the priest to have their child baptized. He asked them how they could still be so hopeful. They answered that another young child had told them how it happened to be that their child had to die: It is really simple. God cannot heal him down here on earth, he has to take him up into heaven to be able to heal him completely.
That night the coffin was brought to our house for the viewing. Alexander stayed with us for the night. I went to see him and talk to him in the hope to really see myself that my brother is really gone. I did not recognize him anymore. Only his hands were still his hands. It did not give me the relieve I had hoped it would give me.
Early the next morning they picked him up again. When I saw the car with him disappear around the corner, leaving our home for the last time, it was as if something broke inside me again. And yet there was my mum behind me crying, too. Thankfully my brother was there to hold her, I could not have managed to do it.
The days before Friday were busy arranging flowers, talking with the priest who was going to do the sermon for Alexander, sending out the obituary notices and just being there for one another. We felt that we all got so incredibly close to one another. Not that we had not been close before, but this was a new closeness. I was glad to have a husband beside me to help me get through those days. As the oldest sister I felt like having to hold my younger siblings, being there for my parents, too. So I was and still am so grateful to have someone to lean on.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My story - 3 May 2009
It is difficult to write this part. Even after almost two months it is so hard.
On Sunday morning we had an extended breakfast, a relaxed day with still getting lots of things done like cleaning the apartment. For dinner I cooked a really nice meal, asparagus with new potatoes, a first timer for me. I had lots of wine with it, my husband fortunately a bit less. After dinner Luke went ahead and started making brownies to take with him to work the next day since they were planning to give him their gift for our wedding. While he made the dough I uploaded the pictures of our wedding so that our guest could finally look at them. We were still in so good spirits!
Around 9 pm the phone rang. It was my mum. I have never heard her say my name like she did and I hope I will never hear it like this again. I knew immediately something bad had happened. I even referred it to Alexander. She said something like "Alexander shot himself. You and Luke have to come home." I did not ask any questions. I just said OK and hung up. I was in shock. I don't remember what I did next, Luke told me. Apparently I just leaned against the wall, slid down and sat completely powerless on the ground. Finally I told Luke, Alexander shot himself. He asked me whether he was dead. Only then did I realize that I did not know for sure. All of a sudden there was this little bit of hope inside me, even though I knew the answer. I called my mum back and asked. After that, I knew for sure that my little brother had died.
On Sunday morning we had an extended breakfast, a relaxed day with still getting lots of things done like cleaning the apartment. For dinner I cooked a really nice meal, asparagus with new potatoes, a first timer for me. I had lots of wine with it, my husband fortunately a bit less. After dinner Luke went ahead and started making brownies to take with him to work the next day since they were planning to give him their gift for our wedding. While he made the dough I uploaded the pictures of our wedding so that our guest could finally look at them. We were still in so good spirits!
Around 9 pm the phone rang. It was my mum. I have never heard her say my name like she did and I hope I will never hear it like this again. I knew immediately something bad had happened. I even referred it to Alexander. She said something like "Alexander shot himself. You and Luke have to come home." I did not ask any questions. I just said OK and hung up. I was in shock. I don't remember what I did next, Luke told me. Apparently I just leaned against the wall, slid down and sat completely powerless on the ground. Finally I told Luke, Alexander shot himself. He asked me whether he was dead. Only then did I realize that I did not know for sure. All of a sudden there was this little bit of hope inside me, even though I knew the answer. I called my mum back and asked. After that, I knew for sure that my little brother had died.
My story - the week before
We still felt that amazing happiness surrounding us, I think it was one of the happiest two weeks in my life. The first week of our 'normal' life had passed. On April 30 my mum came to visit us and brought all the presents (we did not want to take them along on our honeymoon...). She stayed for one night. We were all worried about Alexander, more than we had been in a long time. During the week I had picked up a brochure about depression, I had talked to my aunt about how worried I was that he did not seem to enjoy the wedding celebrations. We could not see him on any, ANY picture of the party in the evening! It turned out later that he had spent most of the evening talking with one of our guests, a priest, and even went to sleep during the party, came back but left early. I talked with one of my other brothers and mentioned my worry. He planned to move to the same town as my other two brothers, including Alexander, and told me how he was worried about Alexander coming to him often to talk about his problems - Alexander was running in circles, we all knew what he would say, we would listen, we would say whatever we thought might help him, we did that many, many hours. I told my aunt that I felt that Alexander needed to do something now. It was in the air that he needed to decide and get help. I never imagined the other possibility of that decision although Alexander had mentioned suicide on several occasions to me. We had even debated the pros and cons about it together. One time I was on the verge of driving 250 miles one day to be there and help him find a therapist. Although I took it serious I did not know how to really help him. However, the week before I said to my mum that the next time he would mention anything like that I would call a helpline to have him taken into hospital. After referring to a therapist we were encouraged, however, to go and be with him immediately. Apparently, it would not help to have him hospitalized if he did not want to be treated or did not see himself as being sick. He would just feel like he could not trust me any longer. Instead, we were encouraged to go and be with him asap to help and be there. I even laid out a plan how to help him the week before!!
So my mum came to visit and was visibly nervous since Alexander was going to start with hunting season on the morning of May 1st. However, nothing happened, and he went hunting again that evening and the next day. My little cousin was with him on those trips to the forest. All of us relaxed a bit. It seemed that Alexander could handle weapons and was not harming himself. We were wrong.
So my mum came to visit and was visibly nervous since Alexander was going to start with hunting season on the morning of May 1st. However, nothing happened, and he went hunting again that evening and the next day. My little cousin was with him on those trips to the forest. All of us relaxed a bit. It seemed that Alexander could handle weapons and was not harming himself. We were wrong.
My story - the wedding
It is hard to think where to start, so I will start with my wedding. I think my story begins here, since my feelings were severely changed after May 3.
I had my absolute dream wedding on April 18, 2009. We celebrated for three days, beautiful weather, all dear friends and family with us, it was wonderful. On the evening before the wedding we had a big party during which my brothers and sisters performed a splendid play depicting my husband Luke and myself in 30 years with children and all. It was so funny! I laughed and had tears streaming down my face. What a wonderful gift! The service at church was also amazing: I had all my five brothers and sisters around me, and all of them were involved in the ceremony. My younger sisters were my bridesmaids, one of my brothers helped with the procession and said a special prayer, the other one was a groomsman and Alexander, who was a singer, sang with my aunt a piece by Bach and Amazing Grace. It was beautiful! With this all of them helped so much to make our wedding special.
After a big breakfast with our guests we drove back to my parents' house the morning after. In the evening we opened our presents with our immediate family. After that my husband's family had to go to the airport to fly home. My husband's cousin and her husband, however, stayed for a few more days to spend with us. Alexander kept the list with all the presents and generous givers. Those were the last few hours I spent with my brother. However, he was there, but he was also absent. It is hard to describe, but even though he was present, event talked with us about the exact name of the giver, his attitude was such that I quickly forgot that he was there. It was so often during his last few weeks that he was asleep for most of the day or that he was not really involved in whatever was going on that we almost did not expect him to be there. And yet he was and helped us along, in fact is still helping us (we are still writing thank-yous...). I do not remember whether he was there and ate dinner with us that evening. Both Luke and me were really exhausted from a week of few hours of sleep, so we went to bed early that night and slept in. The next day we were touring in the area of my parents place with our two remaining guests and had dinner again at my parents'. Again, I do not remember Alexander being there, although I am fairly sure that he was. We were all happy and still full of the amazing, glowing feeling that was still surrounding us after the wedding. I was living a dream, finally being married to the love of my life. Later, after dinner that night I remember going out in the hallway, where Alexander was headed towards his room. He looked sad. So I asked him whether everything was alright, and he answered "no". So I asked again: "So what is wrong?" His reply: "Simply everything". I hugged him, wanting to ask a bit more. Just that moment our mum came in the hall and through my hug I felt him stiffen up - he did not want her to be there that moment. After my mum had left again it was not the same atmosphere between us anymore, and I did not feel like working hard to restore this feeling since I had guests in the living room. You always have a brother, and even if he is not feeling well, I can listen to him later, right? And truth be told, I knew already his story of what was wrong. It was always the same story and I had heard and listened to it many times. So I headed for the living room while Alexander went to bed. It was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning we were in a rush to leave for our next stop on our 'honeymoon', my aunt's place. However, we still packed all our gifts (which took a while), so I am pretty sure we did not leave before noon, more like at 1pm. Alexander was still not awake and we were in a rush to finally leave and see at least something of the mountains that day. So I just told my other brother to say goodbye to Alexander, I did not go in his room again. I wish I had said at least a proper goodbye.
We continued with our honeymoon, said goodbye to our guests, had some time by ourselves and finally got back home.
I had my absolute dream wedding on April 18, 2009. We celebrated for three days, beautiful weather, all dear friends and family with us, it was wonderful. On the evening before the wedding we had a big party during which my brothers and sisters performed a splendid play depicting my husband Luke and myself in 30 years with children and all. It was so funny! I laughed and had tears streaming down my face. What a wonderful gift! The service at church was also amazing: I had all my five brothers and sisters around me, and all of them were involved in the ceremony. My younger sisters were my bridesmaids, one of my brothers helped with the procession and said a special prayer, the other one was a groomsman and Alexander, who was a singer, sang with my aunt a piece by Bach and Amazing Grace. It was beautiful! With this all of them helped so much to make our wedding special.
After a big breakfast with our guests we drove back to my parents' house the morning after. In the evening we opened our presents with our immediate family. After that my husband's family had to go to the airport to fly home. My husband's cousin and her husband, however, stayed for a few more days to spend with us. Alexander kept the list with all the presents and generous givers. Those were the last few hours I spent with my brother. However, he was there, but he was also absent. It is hard to describe, but even though he was present, event talked with us about the exact name of the giver, his attitude was such that I quickly forgot that he was there. It was so often during his last few weeks that he was asleep for most of the day or that he was not really involved in whatever was going on that we almost did not expect him to be there. And yet he was and helped us along, in fact is still helping us (we are still writing thank-yous...). I do not remember whether he was there and ate dinner with us that evening. Both Luke and me were really exhausted from a week of few hours of sleep, so we went to bed early that night and slept in. The next day we were touring in the area of my parents place with our two remaining guests and had dinner again at my parents'. Again, I do not remember Alexander being there, although I am fairly sure that he was. We were all happy and still full of the amazing, glowing feeling that was still surrounding us after the wedding. I was living a dream, finally being married to the love of my life. Later, after dinner that night I remember going out in the hallway, where Alexander was headed towards his room. He looked sad. So I asked him whether everything was alright, and he answered "no". So I asked again: "So what is wrong?" His reply: "Simply everything". I hugged him, wanting to ask a bit more. Just that moment our mum came in the hall and through my hug I felt him stiffen up - he did not want her to be there that moment. After my mum had left again it was not the same atmosphere between us anymore, and I did not feel like working hard to restore this feeling since I had guests in the living room. You always have a brother, and even if he is not feeling well, I can listen to him later, right? And truth be told, I knew already his story of what was wrong. It was always the same story and I had heard and listened to it many times. So I headed for the living room while Alexander went to bed. It was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning we were in a rush to leave for our next stop on our 'honeymoon', my aunt's place. However, we still packed all our gifts (which took a while), so I am pretty sure we did not leave before noon, more like at 1pm. Alexander was still not awake and we were in a rush to finally leave and see at least something of the mountains that day. So I just told my other brother to say goodbye to Alexander, I did not go in his room again. I wish I had said at least a proper goodbye.
We continued with our honeymoon, said goodbye to our guests, had some time by ourselves and finally got back home.
What this blog is about
This is meant to introduce myself and explain the reason for starting this blog. I lost my dear brother, Alexander, on May 3rd of this year to suicide. He was only 23 years old. Ever since then I am trying to find ways to deal with the grief that took hold of me after I learned of his decision to end his life.
I do not know how this will go, but I think for myself this blog could prove helpful in learning how to live with this incredible loss. Please forgive me if I feel that I need to end it sooner than I imagine right now - as I said, it is only an attempt of finding a way through this difficult time.
Another reason for starting this blog, however, is to share with you my feelings so that you might find a little bit of consolation if you are a survivor, too, that you are not alone with this grief. And if you found this site because you are thinking about ending your life I hope you will think again. It is unimaginable how the decision of one person can change so many lives profoundly.
I do not know how this will go, but I think for myself this blog could prove helpful in learning how to live with this incredible loss. Please forgive me if I feel that I need to end it sooner than I imagine right now - as I said, it is only an attempt of finding a way through this difficult time.
Another reason for starting this blog, however, is to share with you my feelings so that you might find a little bit of consolation if you are a survivor, too, that you are not alone with this grief. And if you found this site because you are thinking about ending your life I hope you will think again. It is unimaginable how the decision of one person can change so many lives profoundly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
