My story - the funeral and the time since then

The day of the funeral was unreal. I do not know whether this is the word to describe it but certainly it was just not meant to be. I mean, how can I put my 23 year old brother to rest in a cemetery? He is meant to live for many more years! It is not right that he is in this coffin! I felt so helpless, I am the older sister, I should be able to help him, right? Why did he not come to me, why could I not help him? I would have moved heaven and earth to help him, to keep him alive!
I had not been to a service since my wedding. Isn't that awful? And then it happened that since were so many the front church pew was not long enough. So there were two chairs next to the pew. They were standing in the middle aisle. Since Luke and me were the last ones of my family to enter the church we had to sit there on those chairs. I could not help but think of our wedding just two weeks ago where we were sitting in a similar position but my world was still alright and the best it could have been.
Many of Alexander's friends had called us and wanted to contribute to the service. When his school friends, also trained singers, started singing, it was as if Alexander were up there. One of them had the same pitch of the voice. I wanted him to stop singing so badly even though it was so nice and beautiful and moving.
Our priest gave a wonderful sermon letting people know of how torn Alexander was inside himself without leaving out to mention his great smile, wonderful bright eyes, his warmth when he went to hug you. He had this wonderful gift of being 100% there for someone else who needed him. However, he could hurt you just as bad, too. And the priest encouraged us survivors to live. I am still trying.
There were hundreds of people to walk with him on his last way on this earth. Too many young people. I mean, there should be mainly old people when a funeral takes place, right?
Alexander had always said the last few weeks how he was so alone. There were sooo many friends of his there to be with him one last time! He was not alone. One of them wrote us later, even though Alexander could not see it any more, he had many friends who were there for him and now miss him dearly. A few brought a tree the day of his funeral. The next day they came to pick it up again - they were going to plant it in their garden but wanted to show him the tree first. Now they can still have him with them in years to come when they party or have barbecue in that garden. How wonderful and yet so depressing to know that he had the friends, but could simply not see it anymore.
On Saturday we moved his stuff out of his place in the town where he studied. I was not there, I did not need to see the room. Alexander had only moved in there right after our wedding, so he barely lived there for two weeks. Ever since then it became real in a certain way that he is gone when I saw his stuff.
On Sunday night we went back to our home. The next few weeks now almost two months were tough. I got to know myself in ways that I did not need to know. Sometimes I get angry and upset without reason. Sometimes poor Luke is in my way then. I am so sorry for not being able to deal with my emotions at all times. We went to see my parents fairly often. While it was good to see them it was always really hard to be there, too. But what I miss most here is not being able to go to his grave. The first month I could barely even cry. I thought I had to cry a lot. But tears came, although not nearly as often as I thought they had to come. Just before the first four weeks had passed I started having really bad weeks where I could not do anything. I had to write a paper for school but was unable to even do the tasks I usually do to keep me from my desk. I have never before felt so completely helpless. I finally managed to hand in my paper last Tuesday after receiving some help from my professor, my aunt and my parents. I believe I would not have managed to finish in time without their help. Thanks for your help!