Thoughts after a while

It has been a while since I posted last. The holiday has been demanding. Even though the first week was very relaxing the last weeks were pretty stressful. Not only did we have another celebration of our marriage planned but there was also a big part of my family visiting my new family overseas. So there was lots of planning and organizing to do, wishes to fulfill and the constant attempt to make everyone (of a group of about 30 people) happy. Obviously, it did not work at all times. But the fact that there were people who were disappointed or sad because something did not work out the way they thought it should have bothered me tremendously. In addition to me grieving for Alexander I had to be a tour guide and helper in all situations. But sometimes I just felt low and needed time for myself. Not being able to have that was hard.
There were other moments, however, that were at the same time incredibly beautiful and sad. When we were out camping in the middle of nowhere and could see the stars above us, wake up to the most amazing scenery in the morning, it was hard to just enjoy this without being sad. I was sad that Alexander chose never to see this beauty and peacefulness. He decided to miss so many wonders this earth holds for you! This is something that is very hard for me to understand.
There were moments where I missed him so very much. When I felt so low and was disappointed in many of my family I know there is a slight chance that if he had been there and in a good mood that he would have come up to me and told me “just laugh about it, it’s ridiculous anyway” and I would have believed him. He had this way of making you laugh about things that were so serious for you and so important. But he could make you think they were nothing or just funny. I do not have anyone else in my big family who can do quite the same. I miss that so very much. I miss hearing him laugh, hearing his thoughts. And even though I miss that so much I still have a hard time imagining that he is really gone forever.
I noticed now, being back and giving myself more time than I could the last few weeks how my distinct memories of Alexander fade away. This is something very hard to acknowledge since I always believed this could never happen, I could never forget anything related to my brother. Now here I am, a little bit over four months since he decided to go and I notice that I cannot imagine the way he smelled anymore. I am most certain that I would immediately recognize it if I were to smell it again, but I cannot just recall the memory of it like I could before. Even his smile and his body structure from the way I could feel it when I hugged him is not as crystal clear as it was in the first few months. I am scared that I will loose more memories.
Why did he not call me when he needed help? Why did he not reach out to someone who could have helped him? Why did he not bother to say goodbye? Did he think nobody loved him? Where is he now? Can he hear me? My heart cries for him every day, every second. I miss him so much, more than I ever thought possible. And I am scared that I might loose someone else, most of all my husband. I cannot see myself living if he were not by my side. I pray that we can grow old together, and I pray that Alexander is safe and happy somewhere. I hope though that he can also see what he did to us, that he knows what we are going through, that my mum grieves so much that she cannot think about her other children nearly as much as she thinks about him. I am angry with Alexander for shifting the attention that my two youngest sisters deserve on their last year at home away from them even after his death. My parents are not the same anymore and my sisters feel it the most. Can he see that? Does he have to pay for what he did to us? I wish him peace with all my heart but would be so angry if only he could have it while all the rest of us are struggling and suffering. Does that make me mean and egoistic to think that? I hope not because I still care about him so much, love him so much. Yet I feel that I am exactly that, and I still can’t help but think this way.

Four months

Dear Alexander

Today it is four months since you left us. It is still unbelievable and not fathomable that you left us forever. I have as hard of a time understanding it as on the first day.
Right now we are on the holiday that you were supposed to be on with us. We miss you every day, in fact, I notice that you are missing even more than at home. I don’t know whether you would be happy here or not, find our vacation exciting enough or not. But I know that we all do miss you and are so deeply sorry you decided to leave this world and all of us. Right now we are on our way to a big national park and are excited for hiking in the nature a bit. This sometimes makes me feel as if you were closer but also makes me aware of the decision you made. This is such a beautiful, great world with so many things to explore you really need a long life to feel you have seen a good portion of it. At least that is how I feel. So while creating this feeling of being closer to you it also makes me painfully aware that you must have been really ill to not want to see all of this world’s beauty. I wish you could tell me what made you make this decision. I still have all those questions I want to ask you. I have no idea how I will get through life having all of them unanswered. Can you hear me? Can you hear us crying for you? Do you see mum crying while all of us are laughing because she just sees you in the midst of us but you are still gone? Do you see how our life feels as if there is a big, gigantic dark cloud over it? Do you know that we don’t feel any wind that would help to blow it away? I miss you so much.
On Saturday we will have our wedding reception for the family over here. I know that my parents in law are really looking forward to it, but I wish it would not happen. I wish I would not have to go to it. I know I should start to live again and to celebrate again, too. But it is so hard when you are gone, Alexander! I miss you so much and, oh, if you were here, it would be all so happy! I would have asked you to sing for us again with your beautiful voice. Now we will have to sing ourselves without you as a supporting voice. How hard is this going to be. Will you be looking over us? Will you be, at least somehow, with us? I need to know that so that I can actually be there and not only in the past. Alexander, I love you and miss you so so much. I will never understand how you could do this, why you decided that life was not worth living for you. However, I hope and wish with all my heart that you found peace wherever you are. And I hope that you can look and see us crying for you so that you know at least now without your illness blocking your view how much we really love you. I hope you can somehow hear me crying out for you and wishing you well. I love you so much, my dear brother!