Thursday, November 19, 2009

Some Childhood Memories

Sometimes, when I am doing something entirely different it still comes back. All of a sudden I have to think about Alexander, it comes just like a wave that hits me once I am off guard. What a strange thing is death. What comes afterwards? Are we transcending into a different form of being? Will me meet again? Oh if I only had an answer. But then again, maybe I would not want to hear it either.
I miss my brother. Alexander was a very interesting brother, the one I have had most difficulties with of all my brothers. He was very strong-minded, very intelligent and incredibly charming, good-looking and gifted in many ways. In the last few years the strong-mindedness turned more and more into a very aggressive behavior that was hard to take and deal with for my entire family. But this was not always like that.
I remember having the greatest time with him when we were little. We could play for hours and hours, Playmobil, Lego, races with Matchbox cars and building blocks, playing with dolls, performing plays that we wrote ourselves or fairy tales, we did it all. It was always us three oldest siblings, Alexander, Walter and me. Of course we also argued as all siblings do but I remember the good times better. We had a very happy and protected childhood. In the weekends we would go to our cabin in the mountains where we had running (cold) water but no electricity or heating. Our parents showed us how we could have the greatest time there with very primitive means. We build dams along creeks, showered under a waterfall, tried unsuccessfully to ride cows, went hiking and in the long summer evenings we played board games for what seemed forever. Alexander was very determined to win or be the best in all our little games and very often he also reached his goals. Obviously, this became a source of conflict between us, especially though between him and Walter who was much less successful. The nicest moments between us were when we were lying in bed in our cabin where we had to share one room with the next youngest, Magnus. We would whisper with each other for hours or try to listen to my parents talking in the room next door. There was so much trust between us, so much love for each other, so much innocence. It was the most wonderful time of my childhood up in this little cabin.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Six months

My dear Alexander,

it is a little over six months now that you are gone. A long, long time, it seems, and very hard to comprehend. The shock and helplessness still are prevalent for most of the time. I still have difficulties concentrating which is really hindering my work. I miss you every day, I think of you every day. When you were alive I did not talk to you so often, sure. But I always knew you were there and we could catch up some time later. I knew I could get your opinion on things that were on my mind if I wanted to. Now all of that is impossible.
Last night I saw you in my dream. It was a dream of a family holiday like the one we had in August, without you. Only this time you were there. But you were not enjoying yourself, you were just complaining about the activities we did, how boring and superficial everything was and how you wanted more. We tried to explain that what we were experiencing was amazing and wonderful. You did not see that and created an awful atmosphere for everyone with your complaints. This situation could have very well been happening in August had you been still alive. I do not fool myself that you would have healed from you depression so quickly. But even though you ruined the atmosphere that was so wonderful before you started complaining I did not want to wake up from my dream. It was too happy to see you again after such a long time. And alive! You could have complained forever if I could only see you alive.
I miss you my dear brother. You are missed so much by all of us.
At the same time all of us are trying to put their lives together piece by piece. Once I get into a better working mode I think I cannot complain. I am trying to cope as well as I can. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. Often still very, very hard. Especially with Christmas approaching. Oh, I miss you brother.
Yours, Carola