Three months

Dear Alexander,

it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.

I miss you, little brother.

Carola