Four years

I wrote this letter on the evening of May 3rd and saved it on my hard drive. That night I was just too much of an emotional wreck to publish it and then I just went on without ever pausing to letting my feelings be heard. I thought of it again today and felt compelled to share it at last.

 Dear Alexander,

Today marks the fourth anniversary of your decision to leave us and this world behind. I never knew the exact time it happened but I am guessing it was right around now as dusk settles in on this nice, balmy early May evening. You thought life just goes on and we will, too. You are right to a degree. But, oh so wrong, too. Life does go on but so differently. You changed all of us, you changed me. You took away our innocence in how we approached life and death. All of a sudden the latter was a reality, a true possibility lurking behind every corner, every day. Of all the things that changed me this made the profoundest difference on my outlook to life today. I appreciate the flowers, the spring, my friends and most of all my family more than ever. But there is a sense of sadness, a knowing it won’t last forever that masks every moment and takes away something from the most glorious ones. I miss you. Four years is such a long time. I don’t cry every day anymore or am hit by a sad wave on a daily basis. Sometimes a day passes that I don’t think of you specifically. I guess my life does move on. But I think of you so many days, so many moments. And the questions remain the same ones they have been for four years. Why did you do this? Did you really see no other option? Could I have helped? Did you know what this would mean for us? Was it really that bad? Why did you not try harder to live life? Do you know how much we suffer? Are you better now? I would give so much to know the answer to just one of these questions. Four years is a long time. I wish I would know what you would look like today. All of us are getting older and ageing visibly. You, however, will remain 23 forever. It is so incredibly sad. I hope you are in a better place and happy.
I will love you forever. And miss you forever.

Carola