Over seven months now

Dear Alexander,


it has been a while since I wrote you. I miss you every day and keep on thinking about you. Yesterday I thought about your illness again. I am certain that you could have continued to live if you only wanted. I believe that you would have been strong enough to succeed in your fight against your bipolar depression. This, however, just makes me more mad that you decided not to try and fight seriously. But I am getting closer to accepting your decision, it just makes me incredibly sad that you decided to leave us. We all miss you so much.
Now all of us are planning Christmas very anxiously. We are all anticipating a very difficult time, especially since mum is so very weak still. Do you see her? She lost so much weight, is still eating almost nothing and just so incredibly thin. I wish there was a way to give her a bit more strength, she needs it. So Christmas. I am one of the ones who want to change everything since I think it won’t be the same any more anyway. But I guess our little sisters still love Christmas the way it always was. It is difficult to find a consensus between all of us. And this is not an argument over presents or anything you would be pleased. I remember how you always wanted us to look at the true meaning of Christmas, I believe, because you did not believe in it yourself and just wanted to so badly. Well, it is not about Christmas now, it is all about trying to get passed this holiday. It will be so sad not to have your beautiful voice among us. I wonder whether we will even sing or not.
Some days are still so very hard for me. Will it ever get better? Do you see us and help us? I wish I would ever get some answers from you, see you in my dreams or hear something someway from you. I miss you.

Yours, Carola