Another Christmas coming

So much in my life changed since Alexander left us. And so much is still the same. I have a toddler keeping me very busy and making sure I smile a lot while also leaving me frustrated on a daily basis. But amidst all this business of my life now, I miss my brother. Especially with another Christmas upon us. I did not write how our Christmas went last year. It was not good. We spent it again at my parents and with my other siblings. However, we now had a baby that was at the time a very poor sleeper and I therefore was extremely sleep deprived. But the worst was that no one mentioned Alexander anymore. We did not go to church together. I think it was the first time ever! Partly this was my son's fault since I could not leave him in the evening and the rest of the family did not want to go to an afternoon service. So this meant that we also did not go to Alexander's resting place as a family. We wanted to do this later but it never worked out. So there was absolutely nothing that had us all acknowledge that we missed him. And how much harder that makes things for us! I think for me it was almost the worst Christmas since he left us. In my opinion this was a direct reason for our plan this year. At Christmas dinner we already were talking about a way out and we managed to find it. So this year my entire family will fly South to spend Christmas on an island in the warmth. It will be a planned escape of this silence and sadness that we experienced last year. I have no idea whether it will work or not. But it certainly has the advantage of all of us looking forward to a holiday and the possibility of creating a completely different Christmas. However, apart from this prospect this season is still one of the hardest, right after the weeks before May 3rd. Everyone is supposed to be happy and joyful. I am happy to have a healthy kid but I miss my brother, too! Just a few weeks ago I visited my parents and my two other brothers came as well. It was all so harmonious. Now some might say how great but honestly, I miss the challenge of having Alexander as a conversational partner. No one of my siblings can tease me, treat me like he did. Only he had the ability to go ballistic within minutes. Now it might seem like something strange to miss, but no one can do that anymore! I really, truly miss it. And the challenge of answering his teasing comments. I miss other things, too, of course but with Walter and Magnus there I really felt just how much I lost when he left. It's been 3.5 years now since he left and I wonder what he would look like had he lived, what he would do, whether he would be happy had he kept on fighting. Oh, and I miss his smile, him smirking, his smell. I miss my brother.