Watching videos

It was hard to concentrate today, again. I really need to prepare for an interview next Tuesday and still I am having so many problems with it.
I feel completely numb and so unable to cry when I think of Alexander. Looking up my brothers' emails I also looked up the ones I got from him. There was a link to a video he uploaded. On none of the you can actually see him since he is the one filming but you can here his voice, his laugh. It seems so alive. I cannot believe that he is not on this earth any longer. So, so hard to believe. You would think that after more than two months I would finally start realizing what happened. I fell as if the contrary is happening, I push it further and further and have no idea any more. I light candles for him, I listen to sad music but I rarely cry. I seldom feel completely down any more. But then I still have those problems concentrating, problems with getting myself organized and I am simply sad somewhere deep down. That I can feel but would be unable to tell you whether this comes from Alexander's death or something inside me. My rational tells me that the two are related but it is hard to understand.
I wish I could just cry for him. I feel almost as if I am being a bad sister not being able to cry for him. And then I also try to push the thought away, try to think there is no reason to cry. But there is, even though I am not completely able to realize the extent of this.