An important message

I have been in an online support group for siblings for a while now. Through the group I received this message from Father Rubey who runs a LOSS program in Chicago. I wanted to share it with you since I think it has some important thoughts in it that help me through this holiday season. It was sent on Thanksgiving but obviously is true much longer.


November 2009

I recently made a trip to Ireland to visit family. While I was there a very tragic event made the news. It was about the tragic deaths of two young men. Both were twenty-two years of age. One of them suffered from mental illness and went off his medications. He was stalking his ex-girlfriend who was dating the other young man. The young man who suffered from mental illness stabbed the other young man and killed him. The one suffering from mental illness then stabbed himself to death. He injured the young woman during the fracas. The mother of the young man who was stabbed to death gave a eulogy at her son’s funeral. She said some very powerful things that resonated with me. She said “And now I ask what is my God of small things saying to me about this incomprehensible act which took place in our home last Sunday morning. This tragic event caused mayhem in all of our lives and robbed us of a son and a brother. We live in a world of contrasts – big, small, hard, soft, good, bad, dark and light. One cannot paint a picture without at least two shades. It is the dark which gives definition to the light. Darkness is just the lack of light. On that Sunday morning my God of small things said to me that one boy represented the light and the other boy represented the darkness through no fault of his own. Both played out their parts in the unfolding of God’s plan. As a result of this our family is faced with a choice. We can continue to live in darkness seeing only fear, anger,bitterness, resentment, blaming, blaming, blaming or are we ready to transmute this negativity? We can rise to the challenge with unconditional love knowing that we were born to this earth to grow. Our hearts are broken but maybe our hearts needed to be broken so that we could expand and grow.”

I thought of our LOSS family as I read this news account. Survivors’ hearts are broken as they mourn the tragic loss of a loved one from suicide. Survivors are met with a very big challenge as they grieve the loss of a loved from suicide. Survivors need to feel the tremendous pain resulting from the death of a loved from suicide. This is all part of the grief journey and it is very painful. But as this woman said, maybe hearts need to be broken in order to grow. Grow into what? That is the challenge of any survivor. Now that this tragedy has become part of the life of a survivor what is the survivor going to do with it? There can be a life of negativity and darkness or there can be a life of light and positive thinking. This takes time to develop into something positive but the question that each survivor must ask themselves is: What am I going to do with this tragic event? Hopefully, survivors are going to allow themselves to be transformed into positive thinking individuals who see rays of hope and growth in the tragic events of life.

We hear a lot about evolution these days. Our world is evolving constantly in different directions. We are also evolving and are part of an ongoing creative part of our world. We co-create with a higher power that some of us call God. We become participants in the process of life and we assist in developing the world around us. All around us we see growth and so must we grow from all of our life’s experiences –both the good and the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Our world is not fixed. It is constantly changing and evolving. The challenge for all of us is to see events in our lives not as obstacles or barriers but as opportunities for human growth and evolution into richer and more caring human beings. That is not always an easy task. It is very demanding and sometimes it is a very painful experience. Survivors can bemoan the fact that pain has entered their lives. There is no rhyme or reason why the suicide of a loved one enters someone’s life. Survivors try to figure out why this happened to them. That is a very normal question to ask. It has happened and now what will a survivor do with this awful experience? That is the crucial question and one that survivors need to ask themselves. Will this experience be the cause of destruction or will it be the cause of human growth and evolution into a more positive and caring person and one who will see this experience as an opportunity to become a better person. That is the challenge.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, hopefully we can experience things to be thankful for. Survivors will always miss that loved one who found life too painful but there are other people who are a part of the lives of survivors. They are gifts to a broken heart. They are rays of hope to the crestfallen. They are reasons to be thankful on this day and this time of the year. Survivors can concentrate on what is missing or they can concentrate on what is present. The evolving person can be richer and more appreciative of  what one has in life. The evolving person has survived a great challenge, That is reason to be thankful.

Survivors long for the life that they had before the suicide. They want to hark back to what once was and never will be again. The challenge is to embrace the evolving person and to embrace the situations in life that can be the cause of a new and enriched person. Life is a continuing process of evolution and survivors can either get lost in the process or be a part of this evolution. My prayer is that you are part of the latter.

As I gather on Thanksgiving Day I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers for you because I am very grateful to be a part of this family. I am enriched and better because I have journeyed this path with many of you. Thanks for allowing me this unique opportunity. I encourage you to remember each other in thought and prayer –especially on thanksgiving Day and especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin' On.
Father Rubey