Two years

Dear Alexander,

It is crazy. Had you asked me two years ago I would have said I cannot see this day coming, ever. You left us exactly two years ago, two full years! Two years! So much has happened since then, so much that you did not get to experience, share with us, live with us. And again I am spending this day without family around. Luke is working today and be with me only in the evening. I guess that is fine. Now I just have to find some way to pass this day without falling to pieces. It might work well too since I know I have to be somewhat responsible for this little being inside me. And yet, the last few days have been hard. The anticipation of the birth and the grief for you came together as one big hormonal bundle that is impossible to separate. All I know is that more than once I was an emotional wreck in the last few weeks. Did you ever think about the consequences when you were contemplating to leave us or did you only think about your own pain? I wish I would know. I know you thought about leaving often and for many months so I wonder whether you also considered the results of you leaving for all of us. Yet another question that will remain unanswered.
Today I am sad, mainly so incredibly sad that you are not with us anymore. I miss you so much, so much more than words can ever say. It was so nice to see you in a dream the other night. I don’t remember every detail, unfortunately, but I do remember hugging you and telling you how much I miss you. You replied that you miss me too. It was so comforting to hear that, you have no idea. I think it was the first time that I got some kind of answer from you, the first time where the situation in which I saw you was real life related and not just completely random and unrealistic. Thank you for having done that.
I hope that you are doing better and are so very happy wherever you are today. I hope you have found your peace, I wish you that with every ounce of my body. Yes, I am still angry that you left us – how could I not be? I miss you way to much to not be angry. But since you decided to do this two years ago and I have no ways of undoing your actions I hope you at least found what you were looking for, peace. I hope you are with a forgiving god and hold your own loving hand over all of us, especially on this day where our hearts are all aching from the pain of missing you.
I will love and miss you forever, until I see you again.

Your sister Carola