For Alexander

My dear brother,

I am so sorry I never wrote you so many letters when you were alive. I know I failed there and there is no excuse for me not letting you feel how much I really love you. I hope you still knew it and can see me now desperately reaching out to you. I just miss you so terribly and my heart just breaks when I think that I will not ever see you again. It is so unfathomable. Is it really true or will I just wake up from this dream some day soon?
I am so sorry for so many things. I feel like I failed you in many ways and yet I also know that that is just the way I am and the way our relationship was. But I miss that relationship so much, I miss our conversations about stuff, important or unimportant, your crazy and sometimes sick thoughts. I wish I could have that conversation about suicide with you again. I would do so much different and answer differently. If I had ever really listened to you! I always accused you of being self-centered but I guess often I was the one who was. Maybe I also just wanted to not really think about what you were thinking and how much you were suffering. Maybe I was trying to protect myself from worrying to much about you. I am sorry about that and yet know it is to late to change anything anymore.
Alexander, I miss your laugh, the way that you laughed when you were just laughing about something, not at someone. I miss the look on your face when you were really happy. It becomes harder to imagine you being alive and yet I would hug you in an instant. Just come home, or come visit me. You know you are always welcome.
I miss you so much, my dear brother, it seems as if every day a little bit more. I hope you are doing fine.

With love,
your sister.