Birthday / 21 months

Dear Alexander,

It is hard to believe but you have been gone long enough now that you would be 25 years old now. Now your twin brother is 25 without you. He misses you. I miss you, too.
The last few days leading up to your birthday were hard. It is funny since I don’t acknowledge that to myself but realize it more afterwards when rethinking some of my reactions throughout the day. How much harder must it be for Walter! I just get angry at nothing and frustrated with myself as well as having the hardest time concentrating. All things I have gotten to know as parts of this journey towards learning how to live without you.
Your birthday itself was not too hard since we were alone in our city not celebrating with Walter. I am once more now on my way to get some work abroad done so I did not feel like travelling the day before that. So the two of us simply stayed home, drove around the city for some window-shopping while getting annoyed at each other for not giving the right kind of directions/going the wrong way. The evening was nice when we could watch a movie together except for the part where there was a suicide in it. I hate the fact that there are so many movies out there that are hard for me to watch!! I wish they would rate them accordingly or something, mention the fact that suicides will be in it. I know that that is a completely irrational wish but it would be nice to at least prepare for it. Where did you leave us, Alexander? Sometimes I feel as if I am thrown back to the time right after you left us struggling to even be on my feet and get up in the morning. I miss you so much, fighting the realization that you will truly not come back each and every day.
I wrote your brother a letter with lots of good wishes for his next, new year here on this earth. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could have written you a similar one. Instead, this one is more about me than it is about you. All I have left to wish for you is that you found the peace that you were looking for. I am hoping that that is the case so much every day while I struggle to live here without you. I struggle every moment I am on this earth missing you.
I love you and wish I could hug you once again.

Yours, Carola