Almost Christmas. This December was different for me. Normally, I plan at least some of my gifts fairly early but still have most not ready in the beginning of December. This year I was in denial that Christmas was anywhere near since the stores brought up their Christmas decoration, so since September. Then in December I had a hard time denying it any further. So I somehow thought now it is just around the corner. Beginning or end of December, it was all the same. And so I rushed through my list of presents to buy, hurried to have enough Christmas treats and had too much alcohol in general (I think it was a doomed to fail attempt to forget that it was really the season…). Anyway, now it is here. I am almost completely done with my presents, the two persons I have left (my dad and an aunt) will get done today, latest tomorrow. The last few days before Christmas eve I will be baking cookies, a tradition that I did not want to continue this year but then I could not pass this once a year opportunity to smother everyone, whether they want it or not, in my cookies. And as written previously cooking or even more so baking calms me down, is almost a yoga-type state for me. This especially sets in when I do the decorations of the single cookies. They have to be perfect and it just absorbs me so much that I forget the world around me completely.
So, what does this all have to do with Alexander? Not much, I guess. Just this feeling of uneasiness around Christmas is new. I loved the season, I loved our traditions or even experiencing something new with Luke’s family when we were over there. But now I look forward to being with the family but dread it at the same time. So many things will be different this year, in a way more the way that Alexander always wanted them to be. Normally there is much focus Christmas eve on the feeling of being together and the presents. Coming from such a big family I guess it sort of just happens that the presents get that focus since it simply takes time until all of them are unwrapped. Alexander always wanted us to remember the true reason for celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. I never really noticed this focus on presents until this years so I had a hard time understanding what he meant. I simply loved my childhood Christmases. Now this year we are planning to have a long dinner (fondue) and then will only unwrap one present each, the rest will be opened Christmas day.
Why am I so uneasy with this thought? Why am I having the same concentration problems I got so used to but thought was halfway done with? Why am I not looking forward to being with my family? I think it is something that we will especially notice how much he is missing. And it will be a tiny bit more real than it was before. I dread these moments of realizing the magnitude of Alexander’s decision. I am scared of arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings among us. We will still be eight people together, all of us mourning for the same person and yet all of us individually. Misunderstandings are so very likely. I feel responsible for making sure that this will not happen and get scared since I am not confident in my ability to stop every single argument. I hope Alexander will somehow be with us and help all of us to get through those tough days without being angry at each other.
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