16 Months

Dear Alexander,

You have been gone from us for 16 whole months now, more than I could ever imagine living without you. I miss you so so much, every single day. We had visitors from overseas here for the last few days and I realized as I had to be a host and there all the time that I am truly broken. There is that part of me inside that will just never be the same again. I am starting to find some sort of glue to put in this enormous hole you left but it is not a very good one. Sometimes I feel it stays up for a while and I think in due time I am able to fill the hole completely. Then again, the glue seems to crumble and crack and I am left feeling broken. Although I know deep down that you could not come to me when you were feeling so down it because you simply were way too far down in this deep depression it is so hard for me to understand that at all times. Do you realize all that you miss here? Our little sisters are growing up and do not have you at their side to be a big brother. Sure, they have two more, but not you. And you were special, as are they. But no one can be replaced.
Last night I had a horrible dream that made me realize just how engraved the enormity of the loss of you is in my brain. I dreamt that I called Sophie and she said in a low voice that Walter was gone. In my dream, they did not know whether it was suicide or not. But do you know how I woke up weeping? I did not know where to let myself. I do never, ever want to re-live this and yet I am scared that I have to every day and – apparently – even at night. Did you know these all would be consequences of your actions? I do not think so, you could not look any further than your own pain. So here I am again, feeling so sorry for you and so helpless for not having been able to do something for you, to take your pain away. I guess, my mind is still running in circles, still hitting the same kind of waves even though the shape of them is different than it was 16 months ago. I do realize now that this will most likely be a part of me for the rest of my life, obviously to a yet different degree. I miss you more than words could ever say. And I hope you are feeling alright now. There has to be some good in all this.
I love you forever,

Your big sis Carola