For Alexander

Dear Alexander,

I don't know whether you can somewhere hear me or get this message somehow. I truly wish that you do.
First of all, we love you, I love you. We love you so so much, all of us. And we miss you terribly, I do believe more than you could ever imagine. Certainly more than I could imagine to ever miss someone. We try to find answers to our questions of why you did this. We make up explanations knowing you would probably counter most of them with your logic.
It is hard for me to try to understand how you felt, even when so many people try to describe this state. Why did you not really seek treatment? Why did you not give your life a chance? Why did you not let me know how dark it was inside you? I know you made attempts, and I am so sorry I did not understand you. I am so truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time. Would you have done it anyway? Or could I have saved your life? Those questions are coming back again and again.
Sometimes, though, it is as if you are just gone for a holiday. I could not bring myself to delete your phone number in my mobile. Maybe you will call me again some day? Oh how I would long for that.
I know that sometimes you were bitter and full of revenge for this world. I hope that you feel different now, that you can feel all the love that I and all of our family always wanted to give you and have you feel. I truly hope that you did not do this only to show us something. This thought scares me. If you had to do this I hope you had to do it because you could not see any other way, even though I am sure there was one. I wish you could tell me what you felt when you had pulled that trigger, this millisecond in between. Did you wish you had not done it? Were you happy that it was all over, all your pain?
Alexander, I hope you feel better now. I hope that this helped at least one of us. I don’t know how you could do this. Would you have done it even if you had not had access to the weapons? Where did we not hear you, how could I have truly helped you? Could I have done something else? Oh I have so many things I want to ask you, I want to understand. I wish I could get answers, honest answers.
One thing I know though and am so sorry that I did not tell you often enough: I love you, my dear, dear Alexander, my dear brother. I love you!

Carola