Thursday, October 22, 2009

For Alexander

My dear brother,

I am so sorry I never wrote you so many letters when you were alive. I know I failed there and there is no excuse for me not letting you feel how much I really love you. I hope you still knew it and can see me now desperately reaching out to you. I just miss you so terribly and my heart just breaks when I think that I will not ever see you again. It is so unfathomable. Is it really true or will I just wake up from this dream some day soon?
I am so sorry for so many things. I feel like I failed you in many ways and yet I also know that that is just the way I am and the way our relationship was. But I miss that relationship so much, I miss our conversations about stuff, important or unimportant, your crazy and sometimes sick thoughts. I wish I could have that conversation about suicide with you again. I would do so much different and answer differently. If I had ever really listened to you! I always accused you of being self-centered but I guess often I was the one who was. Maybe I also just wanted to not really think about what you were thinking and how much you were suffering. Maybe I was trying to protect myself from worrying to much about you. I am sorry about that and yet know it is to late to change anything anymore.
Alexander, I miss your laugh, the way that you laughed when you were just laughing about something, not at someone. I miss the look on your face when you were really happy. It becomes harder to imagine you being alive and yet I would hug you in an instant. Just come home, or come visit me. You know you are always welcome.
I miss you so much, my dear brother, it seems as if every day a little bit more. I hope you are doing fine.

With love,
your sister.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A song

Yesterday I spent quite some time searching the internet again. I made a CD for my sister with songs that helped me through some tough moments and had some room left on it. So I searched again and found this one, Hate me by Blue October.
It says so much and has such wonderful lyrics. For me it seems as if Alexander was speaking to me, as if these could be his words if he had ever recovered from his illness. It really moves me, makes me cry and yet I can’t stop listening.





Here are the lyrics:

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Quote

I found this quote today on the internet, unfortunately I don't remember the source anymore. If I still find it again I will add it. I just really thought this to be so true:

Suicide does not solve the problems, it just shifts them on the shoulders of others.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Update

I have been so busy these last few weeks that I feel I had hardly any time to just let go and feel alright about it. There is still plenty of other stuff that I need to get done besides writing here but it feels as if something inside myself needs to get out. So here I am. The sun is shining, we have a beautiful autumn and yet I am so sad inside. For the first time since I can remember I am not thrilled about the beauty of nature at the moment. How strange and sad. Since my workload is quite high at the moment I am carrying my grief around everywhere. The only time I can truly relax is while cooking. This might seem strange to some but it is really true for me. It feels as if I am boiling, baking and frying my grief. I started doing this in summer when I had the urge to make jam and it continues to this date. It is not bad, it just takes a lot of time.
I have also had my - if I can say that at all = worst days ever. I could not stop crying, Luke had to come home in the middle of a workday. That was definitely a first. I learn to accept my feelings more, to accept that they are there for a reason, often protecting me where reason does not go. Where does this leave me? In as uncertain a spot as ever. I feel as if I have lost all control over myself. If my feelings decide to come out they do and I cannot stop them as often as I used to be able to. My therapist told me that this is alright, even desired. It still feels very strange and almost uncomfortable but I am trying to accept it. I feel the waves coming and going and thought I would know them by now. Albeit, every single one of them has it's own shape. It might be similar to one that I got through already but it is definitely shaped differently. I hope and pray I will get through this alright.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Rough days

I have had a few very rough days lately. It seems to me as if I suddenly start realizing that my dear brother is actually, really forever gone. Even though I knew this before it seems to sink in a bit more although I still doubt it is actually getting through to me. I miss him so very much. And all the time I ask myself whether it will really get better or what is going to happen to me. I dont recognize myself anymore. Yesterday I completely broke down at work, I didn´t even make it home anymore. I had to call my husband to come pick me up. Never has anything like that happened before. What a strange experience to be so completely unable to control your feelings. I simply could not stop crying.
We learned a few days ago that Alexander´s ex who split up with him in December last year, so five months before he commited suicide, went with her mum to the police after his death and gave them a five page report of what apperently had led to his suicide. In this “report“ she said that Alexander killed himself because he was driven to this by my parents. Apparently my parents just never gave him the love that he really needed and he was so upset about this that he could not live anymore. They reported that he was definitely not ill. Furthermore they claimed that the fact that many people left the church during the funeral service was because of the sermon the people disagreed with. The priest talked about Alexander´s split personality in a very good and truthful way stating both the amazing and awful parts of his character during his illness. We heard from a few people that they did not find a seat in the overcrowded church and additionaly could not even understand what was being said because the speakers did not work in that area so they left the church and waited outside. It is so awful to be blamed for the death and even more to have that publicly stated. I do not know what those people are thinking. I mean, even if it were all true the way they think it is, who would do such a thing and want to blame the surviving family? Isn´t it awful enough what we are going through? We just lost a brother, a son!! I am sooo angry. I hope I will never see them again in my life. Unfortunately this is unlikely since they live clos to my parents´. Why would you ever want to do something like that?
But my sadness within myself does not come from this awful story. It is more something deep within. I feel trapped inside many buildings, only at home it is halfway alright. I have no idea how I can overcome that feeling. I would need to be somewhere alone in nature but unfortunately that is pretty difficult around here. I am so angry that he did not even feel like he needed to say good-bye. I miss him, too, so badly. But mainly I am trying to understand why he did not feel this need to live anymore, how he could not believe that his life could change and be a good one. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I just am soo deeply sad even when I do something completely different and even if I am laughing.
I just had to get that out there, I feel like I can not tell anyone else. I don´t want to burden my mum and my other siblings, they are so involved in what they are doing themselves. Plus what could they do? But it helps already to write it down and tell you. I know this is a lot and not very organized but it just wanted to get out.