I wanted to write Alexander a letter for his birthday but then it was all so busy and alive that I did not find the time for it. Yes, the birthday of Alexander and Walter was lively, we were celebrating Walter’s life. What an amazing thing.
For most of the day I was busy making a nice cake for Walter so I had some time to think but not to write. And it was mainly positive thoughts or life connected thoughts, not too much thinking about the past. However, in the morning I did what I had planned to do, I bought a small bouquet for Alexander and put it on his grave together with mum. It was a good time and good to do it together since it allowed us to talk about him, to share our feelings and to just give him some time that day. Shortly after that I headed out to my grandma’s so it was not too long, just the right time. I miss him so much, it is still so unbelievable that he is gone. And yet it was good to be celebrating Walter and his life. We had the birthday dinner at my aunt’s house which was nice since it was just a different setting and not so many memories connected with earlier birthdays. We had a nice evening together and it was fine. My thoughts were especially with my mum who is still having a very hard time while I can see light at the horizon. That does not mean it is easy for me but I still feel that right around now I can see that I might be able to get my life together again. However, when I see my mum I know that she is not nearly anywhere close to where I am. I am worried about her. I hope one day she can be where I am now.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Birthday anniversary
While I slowly and with backlashes feel like I am regaining control over my life there is another worry I have now. My dear brother, twin brother to Alexander, is having a rough time right now. He split up with his girlfriend of three years only a few days ago and is additionally worn out by the amount of work he is doing. Additional the weight of his and Alexander’s upcoming birthday wears on him. While I wish I could take some of the burden off him I also know that he has to live through it himself. All I can do is believe in him (and I know he can do it) and pray for him that he will get better soon. After several weeks in agony he finally decided what he wants to do on Friday. I hope it will be fine for him. No way is it going to be good but if he can at least make it through the day. Oh Alexander, there are so many things you left for us to work out!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Nine months without you
Dear Alexander,
another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola
another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola
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