Tuesday, May 4, 2010
One year
Dear Alexander,
now it is one year without you, one entire year. How can this be possible? How could it go so fast? How come that we are still moving along? Why did you have to leave us? Why now? Why you?
There are still so many, oh so many questions unanswered. I miss you every single day and think of you. I never cried too much but I still do off and on and very often there is simply this gigantic lump inside me that is all the pain I carry for you not being with us anymore.
These last few days were hard and yet again I simply kept busy and that seems to be the best cure. Not that I forget you then – I think you sometimes thought that when you were here with us, that if we don’t call you or let you know we are thinking about you we are not but oh we were so very often! No, I don’t forget you, you are always with me. But you are deeper inside me and not obstructing my way anymore, at least not quite as often as the pain for losing you used to. My grief changed in this past year. I notice it is not as raw and fresh anymore. But you are being missed. I miss your charm, your wit, your laugh and the sound of your beautiful voice, whether speaking or singing. I miss the way you would look at me and the way we argued – but then forgave each other again, too.
I believe strongly that you sent me a sign from wherever you are now on Sunday evening which for me was exactly a year ago, even if the date on the calendar said something different. You sent me a rainbow. Luke tried to capture it on a photo but unfortunately it does not look quite as strikingly beautiful there as it did in reality. Still, I will post it here. And it was like a message from you that you are still with us, still thinking of us too. I will be angry at you forever that you chose to leave us, will forever miss you, and forever love you, my dear, dear brother.
Carola
now it is one year without you, one entire year. How can this be possible? How could it go so fast? How come that we are still moving along? Why did you have to leave us? Why now? Why you?
There are still so many, oh so many questions unanswered. I miss you every single day and think of you. I never cried too much but I still do off and on and very often there is simply this gigantic lump inside me that is all the pain I carry for you not being with us anymore.
These last few days were hard and yet again I simply kept busy and that seems to be the best cure. Not that I forget you then – I think you sometimes thought that when you were here with us, that if we don’t call you or let you know we are thinking about you we are not but oh we were so very often! No, I don’t forget you, you are always with me. But you are deeper inside me and not obstructing my way anymore, at least not quite as often as the pain for losing you used to. My grief changed in this past year. I notice it is not as raw and fresh anymore. But you are being missed. I miss your charm, your wit, your laugh and the sound of your beautiful voice, whether speaking or singing. I miss the way you would look at me and the way we argued – but then forgave each other again, too.
I believe strongly that you sent me a sign from wherever you are now on Sunday evening which for me was exactly a year ago, even if the date on the calendar said something different. You sent me a rainbow. Luke tried to capture it on a photo but unfortunately it does not look quite as strikingly beautiful there as it did in reality. Still, I will post it here. And it was like a message from you that you are still with us, still thinking of us too. I will be angry at you forever that you chose to leave us, will forever miss you, and forever love you, my dear, dear brother.
Carola
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