tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48733890832980530472024-02-06T21:17:19.082-07:00Losing my brothera sister trying to cope after the suicide of her brotherCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-91517379470766491632013-08-22T14:16:00.000-06:002013-08-22T14:18:47.590-06:00Four yearsI wrote this letter on the evening of May 3rd and saved it on my hard drive. That night I was just too much of an emotional wreck to publish it and then I just went on without ever pausing to letting my feelings be heard. I thought of it again today and felt compelled to share it at last.<br />
<br />
Dear Alexander,<br />
<br />
Today marks the fourth anniversary of your decision to leave us and this world behind. I never knew the exact time it happened but I am guessing it was right around now as dusk settles in on this nice, balmy early May evening.
You thought life just goes on and we will, too. You are right to a degree. But, oh so wrong, too. Life does go on but so differently. You changed all of us, you changed me. You took away our innocence in how we approached life and death. All of a sudden the latter was a reality, a true possibility lurking behind every corner, every day. Of all the things that changed me this made the profoundest difference on my outlook to life today. I appreciate the flowers, the spring, my friends and most of all my family more than ever. But there is a sense of sadness, a knowing it won’t last forever that masks every moment and takes away something from the most glorious ones. I miss you.
Four years is such a long time. I don’t cry every day anymore or am hit by a sad wave on a daily basis. Sometimes a day passes that I don’t think of you specifically. I guess my life does move on.
But I think of you so many days, so many moments. And the questions remain the same ones they have been for four years. Why did you do this? Did you really see no other option? Could I have helped? Did you know what this would mean for us? Was it really that bad? Why did you not try harder to live life? Do you know how much we suffer? Are you better now? I would give so much to know the answer to just one of these questions.
Four years is a long time. I wish I would know what you would look like today. All of us are getting older and ageing visibly. You, however, will remain 23 forever. It is so incredibly sad. I hope you are in a better place and happy.<br />
I will love you forever. And miss you forever.<br />
<br />
Carola
Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-18329922341800101432012-12-11T02:25:00.000-07:002012-12-11T02:25:44.179-07:00Another Christmas comingSo much in my life changed since Alexander left us. And so much is still the same.
I have a toddler keeping me very busy and making sure I smile a lot while also leaving me frustrated on a daily basis. But amidst all this business of my life now, I miss my brother. Especially with another Christmas upon us. I did not write how our Christmas went last year. It was not good. We spent it again at my parents and with my other siblings. However, we now had a baby that was at the time a very poor sleeper and I therefore was extremely sleep deprived. But the worst was that no one mentioned Alexander anymore. We did not go to church together. I think it was the first time ever! Partly this was my son's fault since I could not leave him in the evening and the rest of the family did not want to go to an afternoon service. So this meant that we also did not go to Alexander's resting place as a family. We wanted to do this later but it never worked out. So there was absolutely nothing that had us all acknowledge that we missed him. And how much harder that makes things for us! I think for me it was almost the worst Christmas since he left us.
In my opinion this was a direct reason for our plan this year. At Christmas dinner we already were talking about a way out and we managed to find it. So this year my entire family will fly South to spend Christmas on an island in the warmth. It will be a planned escape of this silence and sadness that we experienced last year.
I have no idea whether it will work or not. But it certainly has the advantage of all of us looking forward to a holiday and the possibility of creating a completely different Christmas.
However, apart from this prospect this season is still one of the hardest, right after the weeks before May 3rd. Everyone is supposed to be happy and joyful. I am happy to have a healthy kid but I miss my brother, too! Just a few weeks ago I visited my parents and my two other brothers came as well. It was all so harmonious. Now some might say how great but honestly, I miss the challenge of having Alexander as a conversational partner. No one of my siblings can tease me, treat me like he did. Only he had the ability to go ballistic within minutes. Now it might seem like something strange to miss, but no one can do that anymore! I really, truly miss it. And the challenge of answering his teasing comments.
I miss other things, too, of course but with Walter and Magnus there I really felt just how much I lost when he left. It's been 3.5 years now since he left and I wonder what he would look like had he lived, what he would do, whether he would be happy had he kept on fighting. Oh, and I miss his smile, him smirking, his smell. I miss my brother. Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-85707781651108843662011-05-03T01:55:00.000-06:002011-05-03T01:56:11.550-06:00Two yearsDear Alexander, <br /><br />It is crazy. Had you asked me two years ago I would have said I cannot see this day coming, ever. You left us exactly two years ago, two full years! Two years! So much has happened since then, so much that you did not get to experience, share with us, live with us. And again I am spending this day without family around. Luke is working today and be with me only in the evening. I guess that is fine. Now I just have to find some way to pass this day without falling to pieces. It might work well too since I know I have to be somewhat responsible for this little being inside me. And yet, the last few days have been hard. The anticipation of the birth and the grief for you came together as one big hormonal bundle that is impossible to separate. All I know is that more than once I was an emotional wreck in the last few weeks. Did you ever think about the consequences when you were contemplating to leave us or did you only think about your own pain? I wish I would know. I know you thought about leaving often and for many months so I wonder whether you also considered the results of you leaving for all of us. Yet another question that will remain unanswered. <br />Today I am sad, mainly so incredibly sad that you are not with us anymore. I miss you so much, so much more than words can ever say. It was so nice to see you in a dream the other night. I don’t remember every detail, unfortunately, but I do remember hugging you and telling you how much I miss you. You replied that you miss me too. It was so comforting to hear that, you have no idea. I think it was the first time that I got some kind of answer from you, the first time where the situation in which I saw you was real life related and not just completely random and unrealistic. Thank you for having done that. <br />I hope that you are doing better and are so very happy wherever you are today. I hope you have found your peace, I wish you that with every ounce of my body. Yes, I am still angry that you left us – how could I not be? I miss you way to much to not be angry. But since you decided to do this two years ago and I have no ways of undoing your actions I hope you at least found what you were looking for, peace. I hope you are with a forgiving god and hold your own loving hand over all of us, especially on this day where our hearts are all aching from the pain of missing you. <br />I will love and miss you forever, until I see you again. <br /><br />Your sister CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-11495937935639569422011-04-12T01:18:00.001-06:002011-04-12T01:18:54.148-06:0023 monthsDear Alexander, <br /><br />It has been a while again. It is just that I stay busy. However, this does not mean that I think any less about you. Oh my, sometimes I even wish I could just think more about what is going on day to day rather than dwell upon what could have been or would have been. But life is busy around here, so it is harder to take the time to write to you. I guess it is another sign that I am slowly moving on despite the fact that it is extremely hard. And now it is less than a month and you will have been gone for two full years. This upcoming anniversary feels very different to the one last year when I was alone abroad and all the pain came back so intensely again. This year, your anniversary is also marked with the expected arrival of your first niece or nephew, my first child. My due date is one day after your anniversary. I guess it is safe to say that that has me feeling a bit weird at times. How crazy is that! Obviously there are a lot of things one could interpret here but I am not going to go into that. I guess, it is simply meant to be that way and the little one will choose whenever he or she wants to meet us. However, this end of my pregnancy is also a happy occasion that I am looking forward to so your anniversary definitely lost some of its horrifying and scary attributes. I am loving the fact that I can see spring come and not only be sad about it. But I still wish so badly that you would be here to hold our baby, make your stupid jokes about whatever, laugh with us, argue with us and scare us when you would do (and I know you would have done) stupid, dangerous things with the little one. I am so sad that this little person will never get to meet his uncle. I know what he or she is missing but how will he? <br />Alexander, I still miss you every single day. Do you know all that you did to us? Do you know not just that but how gravely you endangered the marriage of our parents? Do you know just how much positive energy and happiness you took away from mom? Do you know how much we all miss you? Do you know that while you were right when you wrote ‘life will go on’ it is yet such a different life, one that none of us wanted or wants to live? I hope with all my heart and soul that you found peace but I also hope that wherever you are some part of you is trying to help us a little bit managing our lives without you. If you can hear me, make sure to give our parents some positive energy. <br />Alexander, I am really anxious when thinking about this next month. I wish I had you to talk about it on the phone or while you would come to visit. Now, I can just tell you here a little bit about how I am feeling. I am thinking about you a whole lot, missing you even more and loving you like crazy, little big brother. <br /><br />Love forever, <br />CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-62009482558600299122011-02-08T08:08:00.002-07:002011-02-08T08:11:13.357-07:00Birthday / 21 monthsDear Alexander,<br /><br />It is hard to believe but you have been gone long enough now that you would be 25 years old now. Now your twin brother is 25 without you. He misses you. I miss you, too. <br />The last few days leading up to your birthday were hard. It is funny since I don’t acknowledge that to myself but realize it more afterwards when rethinking some of my reactions throughout the day. How much harder must it be for Walter! I just get angry at nothing and frustrated with myself as well as having the hardest time concentrating. All things I have gotten to know as parts of this journey towards learning how to live without you. <br />Your birthday itself was not too hard since we were alone in our city not celebrating with Walter. I am once more now on my way to get some work abroad done so I did not feel like travelling the day before that. So the two of us simply stayed home, drove around the city for some window-shopping while getting annoyed at each other for not giving the right kind of directions/going the wrong way. The evening was nice when we could watch a movie together except for the part where there was a suicide in it. I hate the fact that there are so many movies out there that are hard for me to watch!! I wish they would rate them accordingly or something, mention the fact that suicides will be in it. I know that that is a completely irrational wish but it would be nice to at least prepare for it. Where did you leave us, Alexander? Sometimes I feel as if I am thrown back to the time right after you left us struggling to even be on my feet and get up in the morning. I miss you so much, fighting the realization that you will truly not come back each and every day. <br />I wrote your brother a letter with lots of good wishes for his next, new year here on this earth. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could have written you a similar one. Instead, this one is more about me than it is about you. All I have left to wish for you is that you found the peace that you were looking for. I am hoping that that is the case so much every day while I struggle to live here without you. I struggle every moment I am on this earth missing you. <br />I love you and wish I could hug you once again. <br /><br />Yours, CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-87569016399459385072011-01-04T15:56:00.002-07:002011-01-04T16:21:13.238-07:0020 months without youDear Alexander, <br /><br />I am sorry for having missed writing to you last month. It has been a crazy one. I was so busy with work, finishing up abroad, visiting friends and preparing for another month away from home. This time it is not for work though, we were just spending the holidays with family again as we did last year. In the midst of all this I also tried to prepare for the upcoming Christmas season buying/making gifts and baking cookies. However, all those things keeping me busy did not keep me from thinking about you. To the contrary, you have been on my thoughts a lot. It was strange to prepare for this holiday season realizing that this was already the second Christmas without you. So hard to believe! It is still so unfathomable that you will never come back to celebrate that day with us. <br />Although I thought about you a lot my thoughts were not always full of grief. Often I wondered why this holiday season did go so much better than the last. Obviously it was the first year without you last year but it still did not explain why I felt so much less grief stricken this time around. Have I really learned so much about dealing with my grief this past year? It certainly does not feel like it on a day to day basis but maybe I simply forgot how awful it was just one year ago. All those questions were answered in a rather shocking way on Christmas Eve. I know now that I still have a hard time with you being gone. I know that I still don’t know how to properly deal with all my grief for you. I know that it still hits me in the face when I least expect it. I also know that I learned how to keep my feelings inside me, even hidden from myself, when something inside me knows that I cannot deal with the enormity of my grief at a certain point in time. That is what happened in the pre-Christmas season. My feelings were hidden from myself, only to completely blow me over on Christmas Eve.<br />So all of this is to tell you, my dear brother: I still miss you like crazy. Your death is still so unbelievable, so unfathomable. I am still not at a point where I really know my grief or at least how to deal with it, although I am getting better at developing survival strategies. So, I still have more or less the same questions I had a year ago. Why, oh why did you have to leave me, our family, this world? Was it really all that bad? Did you not feel how much you are loved? What could I have done to help you? <br />I truly hope that you are feeling better. I know I have said this before, too. But I don’t get an answer from you, and it is just so important for me that there is at least some good out of the bad. So I am hoping with all my heart and soul that you are alright now wherever you are.<br /> <br />I love you and I miss you. <br /><br />Forever, your sister CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-43736029320736305432010-11-19T13:25:00.001-07:002010-11-19T13:25:57.273-07:00One and a half yearsDear Alexander, <br /><br />This month it is one and a half years ago that you left us. I did not forget that day even though I only write to you right now. In fact, I have been thinking much more and more intensely about you the last few weeks than I have in a while. I wrote this letter so often in my head. But to be honest, I also evaded this. It makes it so real that you left. Of course, reality strikes me every time I see a picture of you on my computer screen, or think of you, talk about you with mum or grandma. And yet, writing to you makes it more real than ever. I cannot, still not, understand why you did this. That you really did this. That you really left us. It sucks being alone. Living without you. I miss you. <br />I noticed that over the last few weeks I have gotten a lot more used to thinking about my siblings without you. This does not mean that I start forgetting you, by no means. It just means that I do not anymore think about adding you to the address line in an email every time I write to all of my siblings. Frankly, this scares me and makes me sad, so incredibly sad. <br />One year and a half. What a long time. I would have never thought that I could do this and feel like I do today. I miss you, every day, I am sad every single day, I am angry at you for leaving us every day. And yet, I have found a way to live again as well. I learned and still learn to live with the whole you left and the wounds you cut in my soul. One and a half years later I recognize that despite all my fears those wounds are starting to heal. They will leave big scars, I am not fooling myself. These scars will hurt all my life, sometimes more, sometimes less. I wish there were no wounds, no scars but you in my life. I miss you so much. I miss hearing you laugh, I miss you love, I miss your smile, I miss our conversations, I even miss our fights. <br />Oh Alexander, I am still angry with you for leaving us. But by now, I think, if I am being really honest with myself, I am way more sad that you left us. I am so incredibly sad. Tears are streaming down my face while I am writing this. I know why I could not write you before – I can only bear it when I am ready for it. It hurts so much. It hurts so much to let the pain come straight to my heart all over again. <br />I hope you are doing better than me. I hope you are happy, laughing, at peace with yourself. It is my constant wish for you to have reached this happiness. I hope that there is some good, something positive in this enormous hole among all the pain and emptiness that you left. <br />I miss you. I love you, forever. <br />Your sister.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-43468430201154700262010-10-28T05:02:00.001-06:002010-10-28T05:02:27.096-06:00Abroad againThis is now my second time abroad this year, again for studying reasons. Again I am gone for almost three months. Again it feels awful. And yet it is different. <br />This spring was horrible partly because of the season, the first anniversary, the loneliness. While I am still lonely here I also have not that far to go home and actually do so every weekend. Or we meet elsewhere, like this weekend. Going on a weekend city trip is also quite nice, nothing to be laughed at, right? And yet, the days and times I am here in this admittedly beautiful city I only feel like bawling my eyes out. Well, sometimes it is better. But trust me, it gets back to being horrible, guaranteed. Not that I want it. I fight it. At least I try, but usually I fail. The only thing I can really do is wait until the phase is over. So why is all of this?<br />My rational mind tells me it can certainly not be all Alexander’s fault. He left us 1 and ½ years ago, it cannot affect me as much by now, right? Well, I think partly. I think what stuck with me is the fear of being alone, having to deal with myself and all of my feelings by myself. I am in the incredibly lucky position of having the best husband I could wish for and he is there for me, always, even if only on the phone. Yet this phone thing is just not the same. Call me spoiled, but it is not. I miss him, his advice, his strength, his believe in me. So what I am left with after Alexander left us is a profound fear of being alone. This does not mean I cannot be alone for a few hours a day in fact I need that. Yet knowing that there will be no one all day, for several days to hold me, to tell me that everything is going to be alright sucks and leaves me empty and fearful. <br />And there is another side to it too. I am scared to leave my family behind. Now, this does not really make sense since I am not much further away than usually, but since I am all alone here it still gives me that impression. It is difficult for them to get a hold of me, which in turn makes me feel like I am even farther away. I was there when Alexander left us. Again, my rationale is telling me that it does not make sense. Me being away does not mean something bad is going to happen. And yet, there is this feeling inside me, deeply rooted. <br />Thankfully my crying makes me tired so I sleep a lot. And sleeping helps passing the time. So I am almost halfway done with my time here. By far the best thing about it is that I will not have to do another semi-long stay abroad in the foreseeable future. I am praying that the remaining time will go fast and without too much bad feelings.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-31475764514600300302010-10-08T03:32:00.001-06:002010-10-28T05:04:57.384-06:0017 monthsDear Alexander, <br /><br />Another month passed without you. Some months just seem to fly by, this one was certainly one of this kind. There is so much you are missing out on, so much that I would love to tell you. The in my mind most exciting news first: You are going to be an uncle! I am sure you would have been such a loving and caring uncle, and I am so very very sad you will not be there to see your first niece/nephew. We all miss you so much. <br />Sophie is getting excited and would love to share her plans with you. I know you would be so very proud of her and what she is doing! Dorothée on the other hand would probably really appreciate your advice. She is so lost with what to do with her life, having such a hard time deciding and knowing what is best for her. Of course me and the other siblings are there for her but still it is your piece of advice that is missing. With your particular view of the world, of options that are out there you would have simply added another point of view. I know she misses to hear that. <br />How do you feel about missing so much of our lives? Do you even notice? Are you happy? It is so amazing, I thought maybe I would at some point just be fine not getting an answer to those questions, but if that point ever comes it most certainly is not here quite yet. Are you still glad you did what you did? To yourself, to us? Was it worth it? <br />With life being that busy I had a bit less time to ponder about those questions but they are there with me every day, every hour. Sometimes they don’t reach the surface but that does not mean that they are not there. I hope you know, feel that you are being missed. So tremendously, so enormously. Every single day, every single hour, every single minute. <br />And you are being loved, forever. <br />Yours, CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-72406820859554943182010-09-09T11:46:00.000-06:002010-09-09T11:47:28.954-06:0016 MonthsDear Alexander, <br /><br />You have been gone from us for 16 whole months now, more than I could ever imagine living without you. I miss you so so much, every single day. We had visitors from overseas here for the last few days and I realized as I had to be a host and there all the time that I am truly broken. There is that part of me inside that will just never be the same again. I am starting to find some sort of glue to put in this enormous hole you left but it is not a very good one. Sometimes I feel it stays up for a while and I think in due time I am able to fill the hole completely. Then again, the glue seems to crumble and crack and I am left feeling broken. Although I know deep down that you could not come to me when you were feeling so down it because you simply were way too far down in this deep depression it is so hard for me to understand that at all times. Do you realize all that you miss here? Our little sisters are growing up and do not have you at their side to be a big brother. Sure, they have two more, but not you. And you were special, as are they. But no one can be replaced. <br />Last night I had a horrible dream that made me realize just how engraved the enormity of the loss of you is in my brain. I dreamt that I called Sophie and she said in a low voice that Walter was gone. In my dream, they did not know whether it was suicide or not. But do you know how I woke up weeping? I did not know where to let myself. I do never, ever want to re-live this and yet I am scared that I have to every day and – apparently – even at night. Did you know these all would be consequences of your actions? I do not think so, you could not look any further than your own pain. So here I am again, feeling so sorry for you and so helpless for not having been able to do something for you, to take your pain away. I guess, my mind is still running in circles, still hitting the same kind of waves even though the shape of them is different than it was 16 months ago. I do realize now that this will most likely be a part of me for the rest of my life, obviously to a yet different degree. I miss you more than words could ever say. And I hope you are feeling alright now. There has to be some good in all this. <br />I love you forever, <br /><br />Your big sis CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-7215342648404788182010-08-25T12:20:00.000-06:002010-08-25T12:21:21.343-06:00Dear AlexanderI miss you. So so much.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-38383047201051474272010-08-24T02:09:00.000-06:002010-08-24T02:10:11.163-06:00Another crisisI know. I missed writing Alexander on the 3rd. However, there is a reason for it. I just could not take it. I started living again, as I have said before. I felt I need to focus on my life right now to be able to start living. Well, it somewhat worked, again. <br />Now over the last few days I really miss him again. I so miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter, his love! And then there is sooo much anger coming up now, too. Our parents are facing one of the – as far as I can tell – most serious crises in their marriage. While it is not ONLY connected to Alexander’s death it most certainly has a big part in it. Both are trying hard in comprehending their son’s death and doing it very, very differently. Without getting into too much detail, I worry about them. I have faith and pray that they will make it through but it is not fun, not for me or anyone else involved. Thank goodness I can talk about it with my dear brother, Walter. My sisters and Magnus do not know about anything going on which is good. The less they have to worry about those things the better. I guess that is my big sister instinct speaking here;) But really, they have a hard enough time as is. How can they cope when we are all struggling? I know that they can take more than I think they can but I also don’t want them to worry without any reason. And I hope and pray that there is no reason for them to fully know what is going on right around now. The good side, at least they are talking to each other again. Not that they were never talking but now they are talking about expectations and feelings again. Let’s hope they keep that going… <br />Oh Alexander, why did you do this? To us? I miss you, every day, every hour and soo wish I could tell you how much you are loved and missed, by so many. I love you and miss you and hope that at least you are feeling better wherever you are. There has to be some good in this.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-10015343216436329072010-07-08T02:52:00.002-06:002010-07-08T03:25:27.838-06:0014 monthsDear Alexander, <br /><br />another month without you has come and gone. This time around I spent the third celebrating the wedding of my friend whom you also knew. Do you know she has a son of six months now? Another friend is married, too. Magnus found a girlfriend and split up with her again since you are gone. Our sister dates a guy I am not incredibly fond of but who knew you too. I think this is important for her. Our cousin is turning 16 this week and will finally get a hunting permit. Can you see how excited he is about that despite all that you made us associate with hunting? I received my first photo album of our wedding today. It is hard for me to believe that I have not had a single album so far. So many things happened without you, and yet you still influence so many things still. I am trying to let you go, give you the peace you need. Do you need it? I don’t have it. You left me with so many problems I did not have before. I am still really angry with you for that, I hope you can see that, too. Just don’t believe that life just goes on as if you had not been among us. You have been, you are in your own way and I truly hope that you always will be. I hope I will still be able to let you go. But I will never forget you nor will my life be as it was before. There are still so many awkward situations we encounter. A colleague asked me whether I had twin sisters. I would always have answered yes, and twin brothers. While this is still true, of course, there is also a certain something inside me that makes me hesitate. Since this took place in an email conversation I just ignored the question. But what do I do when I am asked a question like that in person? People who did not know you think about you! Walter tells me that he gets quite a few questions along the lines of ‘You have a twin brother? How awesome! What’s he doing?’ How is he supposed to answer to that? ‘Well, not all so awesome…’? Why did you do this to us? Am I selfish for asking this question? I guess my grief is changing again, I do see that this question might be selfish. You still hold so much power over me and all of us. We just miss you so much, think what your opinion on certain things would have been, wonder what you would say, think. Is there ever going to be a day when I can simply live my life again without being sad? Being sad and missing you? Do I even want that? <br />Of course, I am not depressed. I laugh, I party, I work, I enjoy nature or other small things. I am happy to be alive – most of the time. But I miss you. I miss you terribly. I never would have thought I would miss you soooo much. You are a brother that is gone! And my oldest brother, my partner in so many arguments, discussions that I cannot have anymore. I miss your opinions. I miss you telling me what I should do differently, disagreeing with me. Oh, how annoying you could be. I would be so incredibly mad at you. And still love you. And we would always forgive each other, in fact I believe now that our arguments made our relationship stronger. And our personalities needed them. Now I cannot have these any more and I miss it. It is as if something very important, an essential part of me has been ripped out. Strange that you would miss arguments all that much, right? I would never have believed it either. And yet, I miss them. And your point of view of things. Of course, I miss you most. I miss the way you looked. You were so handsome! I miss the way you smelled. I miss the way you smile, seeing your grin, hearing you laugh. And hearing you sing. Your voice was so beautiful. Do the angels now hear you sing sometimes? There is this song by Vince Vaughn (Go rest high on that mountain) and I am pretty sure you would not have liked it but there is this line that I completely agree with: ‘I wish I could see the angels’ faces, when they hear your sweet voice sing’. <br />Dear Alexander, this was a long letter again. I hope you find a way of hearing my words. I hope you can see, feel how much I miss you. There is this hole inside me that you left. You were are important to me, so important. You are my brother, my dear, dear brother whom I miss terribly, every day. And my dear, dear brother whom I love so much, forever. <br />May god hold you in the palm of his hand and give you the peace you were longing for. <br />Forever, <br />CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-74902138347799649482010-06-28T05:53:00.001-06:002010-06-28T05:53:55.005-06:00Weddings or unexpected (and unwanted) memoriesAs I have said some time before, I thought that I was more or less able to control my grief. Well, it is also still unpredictable in many ways. On the one side memories or certain occasions will trigger an outburst of grief, which can take various forms, on the other side I notice now how my body is physically affected. Pretty amazing how my body reacted in a way I would have least predicted and thereby took some of my attention back. With my denial, which seemed so important when I was doing research, I only caused my grief to go elsewhere. I hope these problems will subside now that I am back home where I hopefully will have some more time for myself. Funny, how the body takes its toll. <br />On the other side are memories. We went to the wedding of a dear friend last weekend. When her siblings performed a small piece in their honor I could barely stand it. I actually had to leave the room to catch some breath. While I was watching them standing on the stage the picture merged with my siblings performing for us. ALL of my siblings. And then grief just hits ground. It will never, NEVER be like this again. I will never get to perform with him for one of my other siblings when they get married. I will never again hear him sing. Or speak. Or laugh, or just see him. <br />Maybe this wedding that took place literally a day after I got back home was meant as something to point me towards giving myself more time, more than I thought I needed at this point. Some say that the second year is the hardest. I thought that I could control it now, that I managed to find a way to deal with the grief. And yet again I am realizing that there is no such thing as a clear road through this enormous grief. Why did you do this to me, to us, Alexander?Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-54258890995175762992010-06-15T00:28:00.000-06:002010-06-15T00:29:08.322-06:00More thoughtsHonestly, I don’t know where this blog is leading me. I do realize that I am not posting very much lately. There is a reason for this though. I try to live. I simply try to live, occupy every single minute of my day in a halfway successful attempt to stop these reoccurring thoughts from appearing again and again. This keeps me from thinking my own thoughts. I still think of Alexander, of course. My sister visited me last week in this country and we went for a hike by the sea. It was not the best day for a hike, in fact, we returned in a heavy drenching rain only to realize we had to wait to be picked up for another three hours and there was no café or the like to be found in that remote place. Anyway, especially in moments like these, plus when there is a close relative of mine, we talk about Alexander, remember and miss him together. It is hard to do since our initial goal was to merely enjoy the beauty of nature - which is even or especially visible when overcast. However, I also do realize the gift I have. It is not self-evident to have a family that is able to talk about how Alexander’s death has affected us. I am lucky to have the possibility of sharing my thoughts and feelings whenever I feel the need to do so. On the other hand, it gives me comfort to be there for them whenever they need me. I am thankful for having a great family. <br />But I am rambling. As you notice, whenever I give myself the time to think, to remember, to feel the pain it comes pouring out. For most of the day, however, I press it inside. And it works for me. Right now. So I am unable to say where this is all leading me. But I guess this is the story of grief.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-6739097743730746152010-06-05T08:21:00.001-06:002010-06-05T08:21:47.725-06:00One year and one monthDear Alexander, <br /><br />Hard to believe. Sometimes I think of you and think it is not true. I miss you, still and every day. <br />I know, you want me to bring some order in my random thoughts that are just spilling out of me. Well, there is this one sentence in your suicide notes: Life will go on. Yes, it does go on. So much has happened since you left us. I can laugh again, I am working like crazy, I can concentrate again, we managed to get through another spring, there are new partners of our siblings in the family, others left, family gatherings took place, we are all still living. You were right, life does go on. But how? I don’t think you fully grasped just how much would change for all of us. How could you, I don’t even blame you that much for it anymore. You were in such a deep hole that it must have been impossible for you to see. This is the only way for me to understand that you chose the path you did. So while life goes on, it goes on without you. And you are (yes, ARE) an important part of this family. So while I am working without major concentration problems I still catch myself drifting off thinking of you and where you might be. And while I laugh I sometimes think how at one point I could not imagine ever being able to laugh again. When I look at the flowers blooming and plant my little garden I think whether you would also think that I am crazy about it like the other siblings do. I know you are different, and maybe you would understand why I had to get five tomato plants for the tiny space I have available. Heck, maybe I would not even have felt the desperate need to get an outdoors space like I did. Some force within myself was driving me to the outdoors ever since you left. Maybe I needed to see that life does indeed go on, new plants/life grows. And of course, every time we celebrate something as a family there is a gigantic hole in the middle where you would be, with your smile, your laughter, your teasing comments, your love. So all I can tell you today, one year, one month and two days since you left us, is that I miss you. You are being loved, will always be loved. And missed. And while we love and miss you all of us are trying to live our lives with you in our hearts. <br />I love you my dear, dear, wonderful brother. <br /><br />CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-34661876715501996382010-05-04T01:18:00.003-06:002010-05-04T01:23:07.404-06:00A rainbow on Sunday evening<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-4oXI9QsmN4GRMOtmDkIBWAyylOIUQ-aDTHUIjym0BqxxwOsClSe9m2QS1tTtaTWSAvMtxTgHJIdNiL7HHcdk-cE0GYrTROG8TQZYSiiiV-PiXzp8MF1-7EmuS8v_KKRET-RE0z-Ent2u/s1600/DSC_0070.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-4oXI9QsmN4GRMOtmDkIBWAyylOIUQ-aDTHUIjym0BqxxwOsClSe9m2QS1tTtaTWSAvMtxTgHJIdNiL7HHcdk-cE0GYrTROG8TQZYSiiiV-PiXzp8MF1-7EmuS8v_KKRET-RE0z-Ent2u/s320/DSC_0070.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467312031048209106" /></a>Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-89562162209186177652010-05-04T01:17:00.001-06:002010-05-04T01:20:51.600-06:00One yearDear Alexander, <br /><br />now it is one year without you, one entire year. How can this be possible? How could it go so fast? How come that we are still moving along? Why did you have to leave us? Why now? Why you? <br />There are still so many, oh so many questions unanswered. I miss you every single day and think of you. I never cried too much but I still do off and on and very often there is simply this gigantic lump inside me that is all the pain I carry for you not being with us anymore. <br />These last few days were hard and yet again I simply kept busy and that seems to be the best cure. Not that I forget you then – I think you sometimes thought that when you were here with us, that if we don’t call you or let you know we are thinking about you we are not but oh we were so very often! No, I don’t forget you, you are always with me. But you are deeper inside me and not obstructing my way anymore, at least not quite as often as the pain for losing you used to. My grief changed in this past year. I notice it is not as raw and fresh anymore. But you are being missed. I miss your charm, your wit, your laugh and the sound of your beautiful voice, whether speaking or singing. I miss the way you would look at me and the way we argued – but then forgave each other again, too. <br />I believe strongly that you sent me a sign from wherever you are now on Sunday evening which for me was exactly a year ago, even if the date on the calendar said something different. You sent me a rainbow. Luke tried to capture it on a photo but unfortunately it does not look quite as strikingly beautiful there as it did in reality. Still, I will post it here. And it was like a message from you that you are still with us, still thinking of us too. I will be angry at you forever that you chose to leave us, will forever miss you, and forever love you, my dear, dear brother.<br /><br />CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-57171996254292131222010-04-29T03:18:00.002-06:002010-04-29T03:36:55.261-06:00AnxietyI have had a (for our standards) really big fight with Luke because he was unable to read my mind. Yes, you read that correctly. Without further ado, I feel myself sliding into a pattern I thought I had learned how to live without. It is the pattern of my life shortly after Alexander died a year ago. I cannot see the words I am typing here because I am sobbing so uncontrollably. I thought that this past year I have learned how to live with this pain, with this anger at myself and at Alexander. But it seems like I can never really learn how to do this. I know I have written this before, stating how I hoped to know only to find out I did not. Why is my mind playing this trick on me time and time again? Why can I not simply learn that I will not ever learn completely how to live with this pain? I guess it is hope for an ultimately better tomorrow that leads me into this conception. But in moments like these, when realization hits, it hurts so much more. I just want him back! Why, oh why? Why do I have to live with this? <br />Maybe this trick my mind plays on me is a simply a switch to survival mode. It worked really well for the last few weeks. I have worked more than I can remember almost ever having worked, being efficient at it no less and even slightly satisfied with the results (this is hard for me). And now this. I felt it coming the last few days, and here it is now, breaking my world apart, my working routine, all that I held onto to keep me going. Everything else I need to do seems so insignificant compared to this enormous elephant in my room, the fact that Alexander, my dear dear brother, is no longer on this earth with me. And why, oh why did he choose to leave me and all of us? He just, simply, chose it!!!! I feel all the different stages of grief hitting me as I know them, the devastation, pain, grief, numbness, anger - it is all back. I cannot believe I lived with all of this for almost an entire year.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-53901534425985114592010-04-28T01:27:00.001-06:002010-04-28T01:28:55.161-06:00More thoughtsWriting this blog entry earlier this evening has somehow pulled me out of my little bubble of thinking that this upcoming anniversary does not get to me. It does. I can hardly stop thinking about what has happened a year ago, this entire past year and earlier. So many ifs and whens all over the place again. I wish I had done this or that, listened more carefully, read a bit more, been there more for him. How could he not see a way out? There are so many wonderful things happening in this world, especially in this wonderful, powerful, life-affirming season of spring. And yet it has this very sad ring to it permanently attached for me. How could he not have seen all the flowers starting to bloom? He actually told our grandma a week (!!) before he died when she pointed out how wonderful the world looked that he could not see any of it. How can you miss that? How could we miss those so heart-wrenchingly obvious signs of deep depression? Why did I not gain more strength so that could have helped him more? Why did I concentrate more on my own life than his when he was so deeply struggling to fight death? How can I ever forgive myself not paying more attention, not helping more, not being there more for him? All the while I still see his own shortcomings too, he could have sought more help from professionals, fought more, not given in. Then again, am I simply trying to shift the blame away from me onto him so that my own guilt might not overwhelm me?Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-87157194508526307762010-04-27T12:39:00.000-06:002010-04-27T12:40:40.668-06:00Upcoming anniversaryLast year this time I was still exhilarated by all that had happened the last few weeks – so many people who had wished us well at the beginning of our life together as husband and wife. And yet I was worried about my brother Alexander at the same time. We had just received all the pictures from the photographer and I had quickly noticed that Alexander was not on too many of them. This seemed strange as the photographer had been told to try and capture especially the close family. He had managed to do this very well with the exception of Alexander. What I should later learn was the last time I ever spoke with my brother also left me a bit uneasy. He was obviously somehow in a depressed state of mind although I would at the time have hardly used the word depression. It left a big enough impression though that I went to my family’s health insurance and picked up a booklet about depression. There was a questionnaire to see how you are doing, I filled it out how I thought Alexander might feel and I got the result of him being likely bipolar, definitely heavily depressed. This worried me but I did not know how to help him, how to do anything for him. In fact, I hate to admit it, I wanted to call him this entire week – a year ago – because of a necklace that I thought I might have forgotten in his room at my parents’ house. I procrastinated on that call until it was too late. I simply was scared of hearing another round of complaints about what I had done wrong or only how bad he was feeling and how horrible the world was. This is very hard to admit right now that I did not do what I can now never undo. I was not there for him when he needed me. <br />With the anniversary coming up I have to face another question this year. I will be flying home to my husband for a short time so that I do not have to be alone on May 3. My family has decided to hold a small service in Alexander’s memory. Aunts, uncles, grandmothers and cousins will all be there, not to speak of my direct family. Me and Luke are the only ones who will likely miss it. It would add another eight hours to my already long trip over an extended weekend. Should I go nonetheless? Am I only doing what I want and disregard what might be good for the others? Do they need me there? I am seriously torn, yet again, a full year later.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-36647290771730365432010-04-18T07:11:00.001-06:002010-04-18T07:11:56.872-06:00Concerns about a friendToday is our first wedding anniversary. I understand that this is slightly off topic but I still had to mention it. It is a very depressing day since I am spending it all by myself here abroad with the volcano ash cloud over Europe preventing Luke from coming to see me. Oh well, it gives me time to write. My only fear is that if this damn cloud continues to hang in there it might prevent me from traveling to see my family for Alexander’s anniversary in two weeks. Let’s pray it does not since I cannot imagine spending that day all by myself. Oh, I don’t dare to think about this prospect too much. <br />Something else has occupied my thoughts these last few days as well though. A very dear friend of mine told me on Thursday that she is having relationship issues. Without getting into detail, she is torn between two guys. Well, that would not trouble me too much as such. But this would be all too simple for her, too. She feels really attracted to one of them, him being her ex-boyfriend whom she was together with for lets say two years. He broke up with her last summer, it took her a long time to get over him but she managed. Now they are talking again and she is again seriously interested, him as well. So where is the problem? He treated her pretty badly during their relationship, which I mean in an emotional kind of way. I do believe he is bipolar. She feels she cannot trust him, cannot be sure he will be there for her when she needs him. She told me that over several phone calls they have had in the past few weeks he apologized for bad emotional abuses, arguments where he did do something wrong. This is new since he always claimed to have forgotten everything about the entire argument before. The reason for me getting so detailed on this here is that it reminds me so much of arguments with Alexander. It was so hard for me to make him see how deeply he had hurt me or someone else, and then, half a year later, seemingly out of the blue, he might apologize for that very event. There were many more similarities between the two guys. Honestly, I am scared for my friend. The most – from her point of view – touching thing he said is ‘What is the point of living if I know that I cannot change?’ For very obvious reasons a statement like that has all sorts of alarm bells ringing inside me. Plus, from a negative point of view, I do think that only with an enormous amount of luck you can really cure bipolar depression, not to say that I don’t think that you can completely. So I am worried about her. While I can say that for him it would be great to have her by his side, I hope that she will choose a life where she can rely on her partner more. Obviously, I am getting into advisory terrain here that I do not really like and I would never tell her my opinion as I have written it here. But these are my – in this respect very damaged and biased – thoughts. Try to stay away from this illness, if you have the option.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-49622450359410984452010-04-10T14:38:00.000-06:002010-04-10T14:39:26.863-06:0011 Months without AlexanderDear Alexander, <br /><br />for the first time since you left us I did not notice the monthly recurrence. I guess I was just simply too busy trying to fix up our new apartment a bit. How strange that I did not notice! I am very sorry about that. While I guess I did move on with my life into new realms I have not forgotten you, however. Actually, on the 3rd it came back very clearly to me how I felt that day last May. Mum called and told me about the daughter of friends who had committed suicide just a few days before then. She told me what had happened, the big question of why and how the family did ask our parents for help since they were “already over it”. Oh, what a misconception. It might seem so from the outside sometimes, I/we might not think of the 3rd as that most awful day in the month vividly every single month, but, Alexander, your death is still with us every single day. You are missed so very, very much every day, your death remains a big mystery to us with many questions left unanswered. You told us in your letter that life would go on. It certainly does but on a very different track than it would have. Sometimes I wonder whether a god of some sort foresees all of this or whether life is a mere combination of particles moving in different and unpredictable directions. Can we choose our own fate or is it all in the hands of a big power somewhere above us? Did you choose to die, I mean fully, rationally or was it in some way or other imposed on you? I would love to talk about this, about fate with you. You were always so into those philosophical discussions and while you nerve racked me way too often I also thoroughly enjoyed our discussions – I only hoped that I would have been better at articulating my thoughts. You were so much quicker there! <br />This month now brings me a lot of work and many new impressions in this new country. I guess in a way this is very good since it keeps my thoughts off the anniversaries that are about to come. I notice that in every free minute I have I try to occupy myself with something, I just try vigorously to keep my mind engaged. It works for most of the time. So, I guess I am getting on with my life. But I want you to know that I am still suffering, missing you, thinking of you every single day, and will love you forever. <br />Your big sis CarolaCarolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-10981584319512605012010-04-10T05:51:00.000-06:002010-04-10T05:52:09.582-06:00AbroadIt has been a long time since I wrote anything here. In a way, I guess, this is a good sign since it must mean I am going on with my life. Well, to say the least, a lot has happened these last few weeks and certainly also many good things, some of which prevented me from posting anything here, too. We had my parents-in-law over for a visit, moved to a different apartment within the same city just a couple of days after they left and then I moved on to a different country for research purposes. So here I am now, all alone without my dear husband or very many friends (although there are a few very good ones here too). I guess I fell into some sort of minor depression when I arrived here. Reasons could be that I moved right back into winter, although the weather is getting better now, I am alone and bad as well as really good memories. Good memories since I used to live here, had the most wonderful time of my life here, including meeting my husband, bad memories include my very first encounter with suicide. A very dear friend attempted suicide while I was living here. He survived – miraculously – unharmed, and by unharmed I also mean that it turned out to be a impulsive action, not caused by severe depression. To be honest, I did not understand the full meaning of it all back then. How could I? I don’t blame anyone for not understanding the full extend of what a suicide does to the dear ones who has is not living through it. Therefore, wile it did not interrupt my lifestyle altogether too much it did impact my feelings going back now. I am not always sure of how this dear friend is doing although my general feeling is a good one. But if I learned something it is that you can never tell for sure. I am praying that it will be an alright time here and praying that time here will pass quickly. <br />And then there is the weight I am carrying with me about all the anniversaries coming up. While I am looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, mainly because Luke will come to visit, I am also dreading it since it is a reminder of what happened two weeks later a year ago. One year ago!! <br />I truly hope that I can settle in here quickly now, work efficiently on my research and come home quickly. And that the anniversaries will not be too tough.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4873389083298053047.post-21961282814123382182010-03-19T11:53:00.002-06:002010-03-19T11:57:53.382-06:00PhotoI just added this photo of Alexander on the right. I still did not put up any picture of him our place and feel somehow strangely bad about it. But I still have a hard time looking at his image. On the other hand (this is again a very two-sided feeling I have like so many concerning Alexander and his death) I want to honor him and show everyone that I do not forget him. Anyway, I thought it might be a nice idea for me to slowly get used to his image to post some photos of him here. If I manage to do what I am planning I will change the photo every so often.Carolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12994932903663156514noreply@blogger.com0