One and a half years

Dear Alexander,

This month it is one and a half years ago that you left us. I did not forget that day even though I only write to you right now. In fact, I have been thinking much more and more intensely about you the last few weeks than I have in a while. I wrote this letter so often in my head. But to be honest, I also evaded this. It makes it so real that you left. Of course, reality strikes me every time I see a picture of you on my computer screen, or think of you, talk about you with mum or grandma. And yet, writing to you makes it more real than ever. I cannot, still not, understand why you did this. That you really did this. That you really left us. It sucks being alone. Living without you. I miss you.
I noticed that over the last few weeks I have gotten a lot more used to thinking about my siblings without you. This does not mean that I start forgetting you, by no means. It just means that I do not anymore think about adding you to the address line in an email every time I write to all of my siblings. Frankly, this scares me and makes me sad, so incredibly sad.
One year and a half. What a long time. I would have never thought that I could do this and feel like I do today. I miss you, every day, I am sad every single day, I am angry at you for leaving us every day. And yet, I have found a way to live again as well. I learned and still learn to live with the whole you left and the wounds you cut in my soul. One and a half years later I recognize that despite all my fears those wounds are starting to heal. They will leave big scars, I am not fooling myself. These scars will hurt all my life, sometimes more, sometimes less. I wish there were no wounds, no scars but you in my life. I miss you so much. I miss hearing you laugh, I miss you love, I miss your smile, I miss our conversations, I even miss our fights.
Oh Alexander, I am still angry with you for leaving us. But by now, I think, if I am being really honest with myself, I am way more sad that you left us. I am so incredibly sad. Tears are streaming down my face while I am writing this. I know why I could not write you before – I can only bear it when I am ready for it. It hurts so much. It hurts so much to let the pain come straight to my heart all over again.
I hope you are doing better than me. I hope you are happy, laughing, at peace with yourself. It is my constant wish for you to have reached this happiness. I hope that there is some good, something positive in this enormous hole among all the pain and emptiness that you left.
I miss you. I love you, forever.
Your sister.

Abroad again

This is now my second time abroad this year, again for studying reasons. Again I am gone for almost three months. Again it feels awful. And yet it is different.
This spring was horrible partly because of the season, the first anniversary, the loneliness. While I am still lonely here I also have not that far to go home and actually do so every weekend. Or we meet elsewhere, like this weekend. Going on a weekend city trip is also quite nice, nothing to be laughed at, right? And yet, the days and times I am here in this admittedly beautiful city I only feel like bawling my eyes out. Well, sometimes it is better. But trust me, it gets back to being horrible, guaranteed. Not that I want it. I fight it. At least I try, but usually I fail. The only thing I can really do is wait until the phase is over. So why is all of this?
My rational mind tells me it can certainly not be all Alexander’s fault. He left us 1 and ½ years ago, it cannot affect me as much by now, right? Well, I think partly. I think what stuck with me is the fear of being alone, having to deal with myself and all of my feelings by myself. I am in the incredibly lucky position of having the best husband I could wish for and he is there for me, always, even if only on the phone. Yet this phone thing is just not the same. Call me spoiled, but it is not. I miss him, his advice, his strength, his believe in me. So what I am left with after Alexander left us is a profound fear of being alone. This does not mean I cannot be alone for a few hours a day in fact I need that. Yet knowing that there will be no one all day, for several days to hold me, to tell me that everything is going to be alright sucks and leaves me empty and fearful.
And there is another side to it too. I am scared to leave my family behind. Now, this does not really make sense since I am not much further away than usually, but since I am all alone here it still gives me that impression. It is difficult for them to get a hold of me, which in turn makes me feel like I am even farther away. I was there when Alexander left us. Again, my rationale is telling me that it does not make sense. Me being away does not mean something bad is going to happen. And yet, there is this feeling inside me, deeply rooted.
Thankfully my crying makes me tired so I sleep a lot. And sleeping helps passing the time. So I am almost halfway done with my time here. By far the best thing about it is that I will not have to do another semi-long stay abroad in the foreseeable future. I am praying that the remaining time will go fast and without too much bad feelings.

17 months

Dear Alexander,

Another month passed without you. Some months just seem to fly by, this one was certainly one of this kind. There is so much you are missing out on, so much that I would love to tell you. The in my mind most exciting news first: You are going to be an uncle! I am sure you would have been such a loving and caring uncle, and I am so very very sad you will not be there to see your first niece/nephew. We all miss you so much.
Sophie is getting excited and would love to share her plans with you. I know you would be so very proud of her and what she is doing! Dorothée on the other hand would probably really appreciate your advice. She is so lost with what to do with her life, having such a hard time deciding and knowing what is best for her. Of course me and the other siblings are there for her but still it is your piece of advice that is missing. With your particular view of the world, of options that are out there you would have simply added another point of view. I know she misses to hear that.
How do you feel about missing so much of our lives? Do you even notice? Are you happy? It is so amazing, I thought maybe I would at some point just be fine not getting an answer to those questions, but if that point ever comes it most certainly is not here quite yet. Are you still glad you did what you did? To yourself, to us? Was it worth it?
With life being that busy I had a bit less time to ponder about those questions but they are there with me every day, every hour. Sometimes they don’t reach the surface but that does not mean that they are not there. I hope you know, feel that you are being missed. So tremendously, so enormously. Every single day, every single hour, every single minute.
And you are being loved, forever.
Yours, Carola

16 Months

Dear Alexander,

You have been gone from us for 16 whole months now, more than I could ever imagine living without you. I miss you so so much, every single day. We had visitors from overseas here for the last few days and I realized as I had to be a host and there all the time that I am truly broken. There is that part of me inside that will just never be the same again. I am starting to find some sort of glue to put in this enormous hole you left but it is not a very good one. Sometimes I feel it stays up for a while and I think in due time I am able to fill the hole completely. Then again, the glue seems to crumble and crack and I am left feeling broken. Although I know deep down that you could not come to me when you were feeling so down it because you simply were way too far down in this deep depression it is so hard for me to understand that at all times. Do you realize all that you miss here? Our little sisters are growing up and do not have you at their side to be a big brother. Sure, they have two more, but not you. And you were special, as are they. But no one can be replaced.
Last night I had a horrible dream that made me realize just how engraved the enormity of the loss of you is in my brain. I dreamt that I called Sophie and she said in a low voice that Walter was gone. In my dream, they did not know whether it was suicide or not. But do you know how I woke up weeping? I did not know where to let myself. I do never, ever want to re-live this and yet I am scared that I have to every day and – apparently – even at night. Did you know these all would be consequences of your actions? I do not think so, you could not look any further than your own pain. So here I am again, feeling so sorry for you and so helpless for not having been able to do something for you, to take your pain away. I guess, my mind is still running in circles, still hitting the same kind of waves even though the shape of them is different than it was 16 months ago. I do realize now that this will most likely be a part of me for the rest of my life, obviously to a yet different degree. I miss you more than words could ever say. And I hope you are feeling alright now. There has to be some good in all this.
I love you forever,

Your big sis Carola

Dear Alexander

I miss you. So so much.

Another crisis

I know. I missed writing Alexander on the 3rd. However, there is a reason for it. I just could not take it. I started living again, as I have said before. I felt I need to focus on my life right now to be able to start living. Well, it somewhat worked, again.
Now over the last few days I really miss him again. I so miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter, his love! And then there is sooo much anger coming up now, too. Our parents are facing one of the – as far as I can tell – most serious crises in their marriage. While it is not ONLY connected to Alexander’s death it most certainly has a big part in it. Both are trying hard in comprehending their son’s death and doing it very, very differently. Without getting into too much detail, I worry about them. I have faith and pray that they will make it through but it is not fun, not for me or anyone else involved. Thank goodness I can talk about it with my dear brother, Walter. My sisters and Magnus do not know about anything going on which is good. The less they have to worry about those things the better. I guess that is my big sister instinct speaking here;) But really, they have a hard enough time as is. How can they cope when we are all struggling? I know that they can take more than I think they can but I also don’t want them to worry without any reason. And I hope and pray that there is no reason for them to fully know what is going on right around now. The good side, at least they are talking to each other again. Not that they were never talking but now they are talking about expectations and feelings again. Let’s hope they keep that going…
Oh Alexander, why did you do this? To us? I miss you, every day, every hour and soo wish I could tell you how much you are loved and missed, by so many. I love you and miss you and hope that at least you are feeling better wherever you are. There has to be some good in this.

14 months

Dear Alexander,

another month without you has come and gone. This time around I spent the third celebrating the wedding of my friend whom you also knew. Do you know she has a son of six months now? Another friend is married, too. Magnus found a girlfriend and split up with her again since you are gone. Our sister dates a guy I am not incredibly fond of but who knew you too. I think this is important for her. Our cousin is turning 16 this week and will finally get a hunting permit. Can you see how excited he is about that despite all that you made us associate with hunting? I received my first photo album of our wedding today. It is hard for me to believe that I have not had a single album so far. So many things happened without you, and yet you still influence so many things still. I am trying to let you go, give you the peace you need. Do you need it? I don’t have it. You left me with so many problems I did not have before. I am still really angry with you for that, I hope you can see that, too. Just don’t believe that life just goes on as if you had not been among us. You have been, you are in your own way and I truly hope that you always will be. I hope I will still be able to let you go. But I will never forget you nor will my life be as it was before. There are still so many awkward situations we encounter. A colleague asked me whether I had twin sisters. I would always have answered yes, and twin brothers. While this is still true, of course, there is also a certain something inside me that makes me hesitate. Since this took place in an email conversation I just ignored the question. But what do I do when I am asked a question like that in person? People who did not know you think about you! Walter tells me that he gets quite a few questions along the lines of ‘You have a twin brother? How awesome! What’s he doing?’ How is he supposed to answer to that? ‘Well, not all so awesome…’? Why did you do this to us? Am I selfish for asking this question? I guess my grief is changing again, I do see that this question might be selfish. You still hold so much power over me and all of us. We just miss you so much, think what your opinion on certain things would have been, wonder what you would say, think. Is there ever going to be a day when I can simply live my life again without being sad? Being sad and missing you? Do I even want that?
Of course, I am not depressed. I laugh, I party, I work, I enjoy nature or other small things. I am happy to be alive – most of the time. But I miss you. I miss you terribly. I never would have thought I would miss you soooo much. You are a brother that is gone! And my oldest brother, my partner in so many arguments, discussions that I cannot have anymore. I miss your opinions. I miss you telling me what I should do differently, disagreeing with me. Oh, how annoying you could be. I would be so incredibly mad at you. And still love you. And we would always forgive each other, in fact I believe now that our arguments made our relationship stronger. And our personalities needed them. Now I cannot have these any more and I miss it. It is as if something very important, an essential part of me has been ripped out. Strange that you would miss arguments all that much, right? I would never have believed it either. And yet, I miss them. And your point of view of things. Of course, I miss you most. I miss the way you looked. You were so handsome! I miss the way you smelled. I miss the way you smile, seeing your grin, hearing you laugh. And hearing you sing. Your voice was so beautiful. Do the angels now hear you sing sometimes? There is this song by Vince Vaughn (Go rest high on that mountain) and I am pretty sure you would not have liked it but there is this line that I completely agree with: ‘I wish I could see the angels’ faces, when they hear your sweet voice sing’.
Dear Alexander, this was a long letter again. I hope you find a way of hearing my words. I hope you can see, feel how much I miss you. There is this hole inside me that you left. You were are important to me, so important. You are my brother, my dear, dear brother whom I miss terribly, every day. And my dear, dear brother whom I love so much, forever.
May god hold you in the palm of his hand and give you the peace you were longing for.
Forever,
Carola

Weddings or unexpected (and unwanted) memories

As I have said some time before, I thought that I was more or less able to control my grief. Well, it is also still unpredictable in many ways. On the one side memories or certain occasions will trigger an outburst of grief, which can take various forms, on the other side I notice now how my body is physically affected. Pretty amazing how my body reacted in a way I would have least predicted and thereby took some of my attention back. With my denial, which seemed so important when I was doing research, I only caused my grief to go elsewhere. I hope these problems will subside now that I am back home where I hopefully will have some more time for myself. Funny, how the body takes its toll.
On the other side are memories. We went to the wedding of a dear friend last weekend. When her siblings performed a small piece in their honor I could barely stand it. I actually had to leave the room to catch some breath. While I was watching them standing on the stage the picture merged with my siblings performing for us. ALL of my siblings. And then grief just hits ground. It will never, NEVER be like this again. I will never get to perform with him for one of my other siblings when they get married. I will never again hear him sing. Or speak. Or laugh, or just see him.
Maybe this wedding that took place literally a day after I got back home was meant as something to point me towards giving myself more time, more than I thought I needed at this point. Some say that the second year is the hardest. I thought that I could control it now, that I managed to find a way to deal with the grief. And yet again I am realizing that there is no such thing as a clear road through this enormous grief. Why did you do this to me, to us, Alexander?

More thoughts

Honestly, I don’t know where this blog is leading me. I do realize that I am not posting very much lately. There is a reason for this though. I try to live. I simply try to live, occupy every single minute of my day in a halfway successful attempt to stop these reoccurring thoughts from appearing again and again. This keeps me from thinking my own thoughts. I still think of Alexander, of course. My sister visited me last week in this country and we went for a hike by the sea. It was not the best day for a hike, in fact, we returned in a heavy drenching rain only to realize we had to wait to be picked up for another three hours and there was no café or the like to be found in that remote place. Anyway, especially in moments like these, plus when there is a close relative of mine, we talk about Alexander, remember and miss him together. It is hard to do since our initial goal was to merely enjoy the beauty of nature - which is even or especially visible when overcast. However, I also do realize the gift I have. It is not self-evident to have a family that is able to talk about how Alexander’s death has affected us. I am lucky to have the possibility of sharing my thoughts and feelings whenever I feel the need to do so. On the other hand, it gives me comfort to be there for them whenever they need me. I am thankful for having a great family.
But I am rambling. As you notice, whenever I give myself the time to think, to remember, to feel the pain it comes pouring out. For most of the day, however, I press it inside. And it works for me. Right now. So I am unable to say where this is all leading me. But I guess this is the story of grief.

One year and one month

Dear Alexander,

Hard to believe. Sometimes I think of you and think it is not true. I miss you, still and every day.
I know, you want me to bring some order in my random thoughts that are just spilling out of me. Well, there is this one sentence in your suicide notes: Life will go on. Yes, it does go on. So much has happened since you left us. I can laugh again, I am working like crazy, I can concentrate again, we managed to get through another spring, there are new partners of our siblings in the family, others left, family gatherings took place, we are all still living. You were right, life does go on. But how? I don’t think you fully grasped just how much would change for all of us. How could you, I don’t even blame you that much for it anymore. You were in such a deep hole that it must have been impossible for you to see. This is the only way for me to understand that you chose the path you did. So while life goes on, it goes on without you. And you are (yes, ARE) an important part of this family. So while I am working without major concentration problems I still catch myself drifting off thinking of you and where you might be. And while I laugh I sometimes think how at one point I could not imagine ever being able to laugh again. When I look at the flowers blooming and plant my little garden I think whether you would also think that I am crazy about it like the other siblings do. I know you are different, and maybe you would understand why I had to get five tomato plants for the tiny space I have available. Heck, maybe I would not even have felt the desperate need to get an outdoors space like I did. Some force within myself was driving me to the outdoors ever since you left. Maybe I needed to see that life does indeed go on, new plants/life grows. And of course, every time we celebrate something as a family there is a gigantic hole in the middle where you would be, with your smile, your laughter, your teasing comments, your love. So all I can tell you today, one year, one month and two days since you left us, is that I miss you. You are being loved, will always be loved. And missed. And while we love and miss you all of us are trying to live our lives with you in our hearts.
I love you my dear, dear, wonderful brother.

Carola

A rainbow on Sunday evening

One year

Dear Alexander,

now it is one year without you, one entire year. How can this be possible? How could it go so fast? How come that we are still moving along? Why did you have to leave us? Why now? Why you?
There are still so many, oh so many questions unanswered. I miss you every single day and think of you. I never cried too much but I still do off and on and very often there is simply this gigantic lump inside me that is all the pain I carry for you not being with us anymore.
These last few days were hard and yet again I simply kept busy and that seems to be the best cure. Not that I forget you then – I think you sometimes thought that when you were here with us, that if we don’t call you or let you know we are thinking about you we are not but oh we were so very often! No, I don’t forget you, you are always with me. But you are deeper inside me and not obstructing my way anymore, at least not quite as often as the pain for losing you used to. My grief changed in this past year. I notice it is not as raw and fresh anymore. But you are being missed. I miss your charm, your wit, your laugh and the sound of your beautiful voice, whether speaking or singing. I miss the way you would look at me and the way we argued – but then forgave each other again, too.
I believe strongly that you sent me a sign from wherever you are now on Sunday evening which for me was exactly a year ago, even if the date on the calendar said something different. You sent me a rainbow. Luke tried to capture it on a photo but unfortunately it does not look quite as strikingly beautiful there as it did in reality. Still, I will post it here. And it was like a message from you that you are still with us, still thinking of us too. I will be angry at you forever that you chose to leave us, will forever miss you, and forever love you, my dear, dear brother.

Carola

Anxiety

I have had a (for our standards) really big fight with Luke because he was unable to read my mind. Yes, you read that correctly. Without further ado, I feel myself sliding into a pattern I thought I had learned how to live without. It is the pattern of my life shortly after Alexander died a year ago. I cannot see the words I am typing here because I am sobbing so uncontrollably. I thought that this past year I have learned how to live with this pain, with this anger at myself and at Alexander. But it seems like I can never really learn how to do this. I know I have written this before, stating how I hoped to know only to find out I did not. Why is my mind playing this trick on me time and time again? Why can I not simply learn that I will not ever learn completely how to live with this pain? I guess it is hope for an ultimately better tomorrow that leads me into this conception. But in moments like these, when realization hits, it hurts so much more. I just want him back! Why, oh why? Why do I have to live with this?
Maybe this trick my mind plays on me is a simply a switch to survival mode. It worked really well for the last few weeks. I have worked more than I can remember almost ever having worked, being efficient at it no less and even slightly satisfied with the results (this is hard for me). And now this. I felt it coming the last few days, and here it is now, breaking my world apart, my working routine, all that I held onto to keep me going. Everything else I need to do seems so insignificant compared to this enormous elephant in my room, the fact that Alexander, my dear dear brother, is no longer on this earth with me. And why, oh why did he choose to leave me and all of us? He just, simply, chose it!!!! I feel all the different stages of grief hitting me as I know them, the devastation, pain, grief, numbness, anger - it is all back. I cannot believe I lived with all of this for almost an entire year.

More thoughts

Writing this blog entry earlier this evening has somehow pulled me out of my little bubble of thinking that this upcoming anniversary does not get to me. It does. I can hardly stop thinking about what has happened a year ago, this entire past year and earlier. So many ifs and whens all over the place again. I wish I had done this or that, listened more carefully, read a bit more, been there more for him. How could he not see a way out? There are so many wonderful things happening in this world, especially in this wonderful, powerful, life-affirming season of spring. And yet it has this very sad ring to it permanently attached for me. How could he not have seen all the flowers starting to bloom? He actually told our grandma a week (!!) before he died when she pointed out how wonderful the world looked that he could not see any of it. How can you miss that? How could we miss those so heart-wrenchingly obvious signs of deep depression? Why did I not gain more strength so that could have helped him more? Why did I concentrate more on my own life than his when he was so deeply struggling to fight death? How can I ever forgive myself not paying more attention, not helping more, not being there more for him? All the while I still see his own shortcomings too, he could have sought more help from professionals, fought more, not given in. Then again, am I simply trying to shift the blame away from me onto him so that my own guilt might not overwhelm me?

Upcoming anniversary

Last year this time I was still exhilarated by all that had happened the last few weeks – so many people who had wished us well at the beginning of our life together as husband and wife. And yet I was worried about my brother Alexander at the same time. We had just received all the pictures from the photographer and I had quickly noticed that Alexander was not on too many of them. This seemed strange as the photographer had been told to try and capture especially the close family. He had managed to do this very well with the exception of Alexander. What I should later learn was the last time I ever spoke with my brother also left me a bit uneasy. He was obviously somehow in a depressed state of mind although I would at the time have hardly used the word depression. It left a big enough impression though that I went to my family’s health insurance and picked up a booklet about depression. There was a questionnaire to see how you are doing, I filled it out how I thought Alexander might feel and I got the result of him being likely bipolar, definitely heavily depressed. This worried me but I did not know how to help him, how to do anything for him. In fact, I hate to admit it, I wanted to call him this entire week – a year ago – because of a necklace that I thought I might have forgotten in his room at my parents’ house. I procrastinated on that call until it was too late. I simply was scared of hearing another round of complaints about what I had done wrong or only how bad he was feeling and how horrible the world was. This is very hard to admit right now that I did not do what I can now never undo. I was not there for him when he needed me.
With the anniversary coming up I have to face another question this year. I will be flying home to my husband for a short time so that I do not have to be alone on May 3. My family has decided to hold a small service in Alexander’s memory. Aunts, uncles, grandmothers and cousins will all be there, not to speak of my direct family. Me and Luke are the only ones who will likely miss it. It would add another eight hours to my already long trip over an extended weekend. Should I go nonetheless? Am I only doing what I want and disregard what might be good for the others? Do they need me there? I am seriously torn, yet again, a full year later.

Concerns about a friend

Today is our first wedding anniversary. I understand that this is slightly off topic but I still had to mention it. It is a very depressing day since I am spending it all by myself here abroad with the volcano ash cloud over Europe preventing Luke from coming to see me. Oh well, it gives me time to write. My only fear is that if this damn cloud continues to hang in there it might prevent me from traveling to see my family for Alexander’s anniversary in two weeks. Let’s pray it does not since I cannot imagine spending that day all by myself. Oh, I don’t dare to think about this prospect too much.
Something else has occupied my thoughts these last few days as well though. A very dear friend of mine told me on Thursday that she is having relationship issues. Without getting into detail, she is torn between two guys. Well, that would not trouble me too much as such. But this would be all too simple for her, too. She feels really attracted to one of them, him being her ex-boyfriend whom she was together with for lets say two years. He broke up with her last summer, it took her a long time to get over him but she managed. Now they are talking again and she is again seriously interested, him as well. So where is the problem? He treated her pretty badly during their relationship, which I mean in an emotional kind of way. I do believe he is bipolar. She feels she cannot trust him, cannot be sure he will be there for her when she needs him. She told me that over several phone calls they have had in the past few weeks he apologized for bad emotional abuses, arguments where he did do something wrong. This is new since he always claimed to have forgotten everything about the entire argument before. The reason for me getting so detailed on this here is that it reminds me so much of arguments with Alexander. It was so hard for me to make him see how deeply he had hurt me or someone else, and then, half a year later, seemingly out of the blue, he might apologize for that very event. There were many more similarities between the two guys. Honestly, I am scared for my friend. The most – from her point of view – touching thing he said is ‘What is the point of living if I know that I cannot change?’ For very obvious reasons a statement like that has all sorts of alarm bells ringing inside me. Plus, from a negative point of view, I do think that only with an enormous amount of luck you can really cure bipolar depression, not to say that I don’t think that you can completely. So I am worried about her. While I can say that for him it would be great to have her by his side, I hope that she will choose a life where she can rely on her partner more. Obviously, I am getting into advisory terrain here that I do not really like and I would never tell her my opinion as I have written it here. But these are my – in this respect very damaged and biased – thoughts. Try to stay away from this illness, if you have the option.

11 Months without Alexander

Dear Alexander,

for the first time since you left us I did not notice the monthly recurrence. I guess I was just simply too busy trying to fix up our new apartment a bit. How strange that I did not notice! I am very sorry about that. While I guess I did move on with my life into new realms I have not forgotten you, however. Actually, on the 3rd it came back very clearly to me how I felt that day last May. Mum called and told me about the daughter of friends who had committed suicide just a few days before then. She told me what had happened, the big question of why and how the family did ask our parents for help since they were “already over it”. Oh, what a misconception. It might seem so from the outside sometimes, I/we might not think of the 3rd as that most awful day in the month vividly every single month, but, Alexander, your death is still with us every single day. You are missed so very, very much every day, your death remains a big mystery to us with many questions left unanswered. You told us in your letter that life would go on. It certainly does but on a very different track than it would have. Sometimes I wonder whether a god of some sort foresees all of this or whether life is a mere combination of particles moving in different and unpredictable directions. Can we choose our own fate or is it all in the hands of a big power somewhere above us? Did you choose to die, I mean fully, rationally or was it in some way or other imposed on you? I would love to talk about this, about fate with you. You were always so into those philosophical discussions and while you nerve racked me way too often I also thoroughly enjoyed our discussions – I only hoped that I would have been better at articulating my thoughts. You were so much quicker there!
This month now brings me a lot of work and many new impressions in this new country. I guess in a way this is very good since it keeps my thoughts off the anniversaries that are about to come. I notice that in every free minute I have I try to occupy myself with something, I just try vigorously to keep my mind engaged. It works for most of the time. So, I guess I am getting on with my life. But I want you to know that I am still suffering, missing you, thinking of you every single day, and will love you forever.
Your big sis Carola

Abroad

It has been a long time since I wrote anything here. In a way, I guess, this is a good sign since it must mean I am going on with my life. Well, to say the least, a lot has happened these last few weeks and certainly also many good things, some of which prevented me from posting anything here, too. We had my parents-in-law over for a visit, moved to a different apartment within the same city just a couple of days after they left and then I moved on to a different country for research purposes. So here I am now, all alone without my dear husband or very many friends (although there are a few very good ones here too). I guess I fell into some sort of minor depression when I arrived here. Reasons could be that I moved right back into winter, although the weather is getting better now, I am alone and bad as well as really good memories. Good memories since I used to live here, had the most wonderful time of my life here, including meeting my husband, bad memories include my very first encounter with suicide. A very dear friend attempted suicide while I was living here. He survived – miraculously – unharmed, and by unharmed I also mean that it turned out to be a impulsive action, not caused by severe depression. To be honest, I did not understand the full meaning of it all back then. How could I? I don’t blame anyone for not understanding the full extend of what a suicide does to the dear ones who has is not living through it. Therefore, wile it did not interrupt my lifestyle altogether too much it did impact my feelings going back now. I am not always sure of how this dear friend is doing although my general feeling is a good one. But if I learned something it is that you can never tell for sure. I am praying that it will be an alright time here and praying that time here will pass quickly.
And then there is the weight I am carrying with me about all the anniversaries coming up. While I am looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, mainly because Luke will come to visit, I am also dreading it since it is a reminder of what happened two weeks later a year ago. One year ago!!
I truly hope that I can settle in here quickly now, work efficiently on my research and come home quickly. And that the anniversaries will not be too tough.

Photo

I just added this photo of Alexander on the right. I still did not put up any picture of him our place and feel somehow strangely bad about it. But I still have a hard time looking at his image. On the other hand (this is again a very two-sided feeling I have like so many concerning Alexander and his death) I want to honor him and show everyone that I do not forget him. Anyway, I thought it might be a nice idea for me to slowly get used to his image to post some photos of him here. If I manage to do what I am planning I will change the photo every so often.

Some random thoughts

I ended up not going to the funeral. Again, just like with another death in the family of friends international travel prevented it. This time we had family from overseas come see us and since Luke is on a business trip one of us had to welcome them. I am not sure whether to be relieved or not but I guess it is more the former. This has something to do with the weather today: it is a beautiful spring day with a warm sun shining – just like it was on May 8 last year. I cannot believe it is almost a year ago that all this happened. How terribly long! And how terribly short… To imagine a life without Alexander is so hard to do. Very often I still feel like I cannot really understand what has happened. Still I feel like in a bad dream and wish to wake up. There are moments when I can see things very clearly, too. I guess in a way I just don’t want this to be real and my life so I try unconsciously to prevent myself from seeing this reality clearly. Am I the only one doing that? Is this normal? Then again I learned that nothing is normal when you are going through this kind of grief. Still I wish that there would be some path that I could hold on to, that would tell me where this path will lead me in the future. I wish so badly for all of us, my entire family, to be really happy again. Like really happy. I think I will have to wait for that some more unfortunately.

Problems again

It feels as if something or someone does not want us i.e. my family to calm down. Last week Magnus’s friend mentioned his serious suicidal thoughts in front of him. The discussion ended with the friend being transported to a psychiatric clinic by the police on my brother’s call. My parents had to come see him in his apartment to calm him down again. I was worried about my little brother having that much responsibility but also so proud of him for having done that. How could we, any of us, ever live without doing something again? Anyone mentioning such thoughts to us must be aware of that.
Last weekend we went skiing, which was good to just get me to think about something else. The worry over my brother and a general incredible sadness had taken hold of me for most of the last week. Being out in the mountains with some friends helped to get a free head again. I felt ready for another week when my dad called me Monday around noon to tell me that one of Magnus’s friends had called him (my dad) to warn him that Magnus was in what looked like a heavy depression-wave. Apparently he spent days in bed crying, skipping school, and not getting anything done. It turned out that those things happened but quite a while back and he seems to be doing relatively fine. However, it scared me deeply. I am about to go abroad again, starting in April for a research project, and I worry so much about my little brother. It seems to be a repetition of the time I went to the same country a few years ago when he had some serious problems, too. Back then I did not see quite how serious they were. What, if I am underestimating them yet again? These thoughts seem to haunt me. How can I be sure nothing will happen this time? Somewhere deep down I do trust Magnus that he will be fine but then again I have been wrong before. I would have, no I have sworn that Alexander would be fine yet he did the most awful thing he could have done and took his life. Oh, if I would only know better what to do this time and would know that what I am doing if fine.
Last night I got the text message of an old high school friend of mine whom we were planning to meet over the weekend saying that her dad had just died. Her dad! Another shock, he was a really kind guy whom I had met on several occasions when we were over at her house during school time. What would I do if my dad died now? I am praying that nothing like that will happen to us in the near future. I don’t think we could take it.
Now I will have to attend the first funeral since Alexander’s next week. I am shivering when I think of it. Hopefully it will not remind me of my dear brother's funeral too much.
I am praying this is the last bit of bad news before I have to go. I am scared to be all alone over there for a couple of months and it certainly does not help to know that my family is not doing completely fine. I just love them all so much that I cannot stop myself thinking and worrying about them even though I know that I have to give myself time to grief, time to heal and time to work on my own projects. Easier said than done.

Ten Months

Dear Alexander,

another month. Winter slowly makes room for spring, the sun is brighter and everyone seems relieved that the snow seems to start melting. I am happy about that too, that’s true. But it also breaks my heart since it means that it is getting closer to May and you being gone for an entire year. It seems like so much has happened, so much did happen and is still happening that you cannot see. I miss you so much. We found a new apartment and should be very happy. Well, we are happy but somewhere inside me there is also this sad thought that we are leaving the apartment that you did see. We are moving on with our lives without you being part of it. This thought is painful and it is so even more when you notice it is actually happening. I wish I could show you where we are moving. I think you would like it.

The last few weeks were difficult for me with spring coming that is true. But I also noticed something else that sort of explains why I miss you so much. I noticed that we were in a way always couples among us siblings. Sophie and Dorothee of course as the youngest, Magnus and Walter in a way since they were the more quiet ones although that bond was looser than with the girls. Then there was you and me, the more stubborn, strong-minded and dominant ones – at least within the family. You were never shy to tell me your opinion, even though I often thought I could have done well without it. You were getting on my nerves so often when you questioned my authority as the oldest or tried to take my position. Even though we argued and discussed a lot we were a good team. We pulled each other back when needed or pushed together in one direction and were hard to stop in those moments. Alexander, I miss that so much. I lost you as my partner among us siblings. I don’t like the feeling of not being challenged at least not in the (admittedly often annoying) way you did it. I valued your opinion even when it was tough to take sometimes.

Do you miss us, too? Do you miss our discussions, too? Do you miss me? Are you alone or do you feel happy with whoever is around you? I wish you so much happiness, my dear brother. If this life here on earth was so difficult for you I hope that you have it easier now, easier than we have it here without you. You know, so often I can just be here and even be happy again although I try not to really see it in the moment since I would feel guilty then. I know the thought is stupid but I feel like I am betraying you and I did that once before when you really needed me. I cannot betray you again. And yet those happy moments sneak in unnoticed by me for a few seconds and when I realize it they were there already. But then there is the opposite, too. Like last night, I just could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, felt so incredibly sad deep within but could not let it out, had no way of crying. It was just bad enough to keep me awake, horrible. And those moments are there, too, and I miss you then so badly. I miss you and my previous life. I am so angry with you that you destroyed it. But most of all I miss you. I miss you so much and love you.

Your loving sister Carola

Birthday again

I wanted to write Alexander a letter for his birthday but then it was all so busy and alive that I did not find the time for it. Yes, the birthday of Alexander and Walter was lively, we were celebrating Walter’s life. What an amazing thing.
For most of the day I was busy making a nice cake for Walter so I had some time to think but not to write. And it was mainly positive thoughts or life connected thoughts, not too much thinking about the past. However, in the morning I did what I had planned to do, I bought a small bouquet for Alexander and put it on his grave together with mum. It was a good time and good to do it together since it allowed us to talk about him, to share our feelings and to just give him some time that day. Shortly after that I headed out to my grandma’s so it was not too long, just the right time. I miss him so much, it is still so unbelievable that he is gone. And yet it was good to be celebrating Walter and his life. We had the birthday dinner at my aunt’s house which was nice since it was just a different setting and not so many memories connected with earlier birthdays. We had a nice evening together and it was fine. My thoughts were especially with my mum who is still having a very hard time while I can see light at the horizon. That does not mean it is easy for me but I still feel that right around now I can see that I might be able to get my life together again. However, when I see my mum I know that she is not nearly anywhere close to where I am. I am worried about her. I hope one day she can be where I am now.

Birthday anniversary

While I slowly and with backlashes feel like I am regaining control over my life there is another worry I have now. My dear brother, twin brother to Alexander, is having a rough time right now. He split up with his girlfriend of three years only a few days ago and is additionally worn out by the amount of work he is doing. Additional the weight of his and Alexander’s upcoming birthday wears on him. While I wish I could take some of the burden off him I also know that he has to live through it himself. All I can do is believe in him (and I know he can do it) and pray for him that he will get better soon. After several weeks in agony he finally decided what he wants to do on Friday. I hope it will be fine for him. No way is it going to be good but if he can at least make it through the day. Oh Alexander, there are so many things you left for us to work out!

Nine months without you

Dear Alexander,

another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola

Skiing - end of the holidays

My life has been very busy these past few weeks. But let me start from a few weeks ago. At the end of our Christmas break stood a ski trip with some good friends. Luke had been looking forward to this trip very much while my feelings were more differentiated. After the holidays had been painful and hard but also encouraging for our way through our grief I was still emotionally exhausted. How would I do on a trip with friends where it would be hard to be by myself? It turned out that the skiing, the nature gave me the freedom of nature, the feeling that I could be and move anywhere. When I was going through the trees all by myself (it did work out) I felt like I was in a higher realm of things. While getting physically exhausted I also felt the Befriedigung of doing something for me. There was a sense of exhilaration in the air, I felt more daring than I had ever done. This is something that Iris Bolton, author of the book I quoted a weeks ago, calls a “gift” from the person who left us. I feel like I need to live intensely, breathe life in as much as possible and try to make the most out of every given moment. Often, I fail. However, skiing there on this deserted mountain gave me the feeling like I was being myself again. What a rare feeling.

Outside

Many things happened with me since my brother died. I know I changed. But there is something that is so pressing on me on most days. It is hard to find the right words to explain it. I always liked being outside and in the country. However, now I feel like it is a force inside me driving me outside. Never before did I feel so easily trapped in the city. And yet that is where I live and where I spend most of my time. Since I am working from home I have nowhere to look, no balcony or anything and it drives me nuts. I wanted to move very shortly after Alexander died already for exactly those reasons, I believe I have said so on here before, too. Every time I see nature I just about freak out. My outlet today was looking for a new apartment since I am trapped in this city for at least two more years. And it looks as if there is the possiblity of one a bit further outside, a bit bigger, with a balcony and cheaper than the one we are in right now! I am hoping so much that it is what it promises to be and we could get it. Being closer to nature somehow calms me down so much and I feel as if I am still somehow connected to Alexander. I feel so alone and desperate here for most of my days.
I am so overloaded with work right now that I should not even have written this little bit but I felt as if I needed to share this and it just helps so much to be talking about it.

Mood Swings

I am still reading all I can find about suicide survivors, their stories and professional help books. In one of them I found the following of which I think helps my husband to deal with me a little easier:

“A persistent component of the process of recovery seems to be the mood swings which persist through the weeks and months of mourning like an endless ride on a rollercoaster. One soars to a euphoric peak on a Sunday and then, within the week, dives into a hellish abyss. […]” (Iris Bolton: My Son… My Son… A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide)

This seems to be a very precise description of how I feel so often. Just wanted to share that, maybe it helps someone else to realize that they are not crazy all of a sudden, either.

Eight months without you

Dear Alexander,

it has been eight months since you chose to leave us. I am still having a very hard time trying to understand your decision. I miss you every day, think of you every day and wish I could do something to have you back. I play the scenes of us talking about your problem over and over, trying to see where I went wrong, where I should have done something different to prevent your decision. And then I try to understand that after all it was still your decision. But oh, it is so difficult. I try to accept that you saw no future for yourself but it is so hard to believe. Sometimes I even don’t see how I can get over this pain myself. Do you see how much we are struggling? Do you have bad days in heaven because you worry about us who are struggling with your decision?
Last month was the first holiday season without you. Especially the time right before was difficult, all of us were so caught up in our own feelings and fears. It turned out that we can still work pretty well together and we had a relatively peaceful Christmas, if one can say that. But we missed you. I miss your smile, your laugh, you teasing me, the way you would hug me and smile at me. Oh Alexander, I cannot imagine never seeing all this again. Why, oh why? How could you not see a light at the end of the tunnel? You could have made it, if anyone, then you. It is so hard, so impossible for me to understand that you had no way of seeing beyond your pain anymore. You did not seem to be so much under pain. It is so hard to believe that you just did an amazing job of covering up how bad you really felt inside. I know that you tried to tell us but we did not listen well enough. I am sorry that I was unable to read the signs, that I was not educated enough to help you. I wish I could turn back time.
My dear brother, it is so strange without you, so much has changed these past eight months. Can you see how much father has changed? I believe that he turned into a person you would have loved to have as a father. Do you see how much mother suffers? Do you feel guilty for that? Do you see how she does not have time for our little sisters, time that she would have had otherwise? Do you see how they are both struggling with school and their immense grief for you? Do you try to help them? I feel like I need to help them all and it is overwhelming. I am so tired of doing it all in addition to my work which is enough anyway. And yet I can’t stop because I am so scared, so incredibly scared that I miss the signs of someone else suffering, someone else needing my help and I am not there in the right moment. But I am so tired, so exhausted. I miss you so much. I always knew you were still there to help our sisters with whatever problems they had when I did not find the time or was busy or whatever. Now there are still the two other brothers but it is not the same. I wish you would answer me some time and give some answers to my many questions. But even more than that I want to see you happy again, laughing, joking and with all that love in your eyes. There are no words to describe how much I miss you.
I love you, little big brother.
Forever, Carola