My brother Alexander

Alexander was a difficult person. He was so egocentric, stubborn and sometimes downright mean. I have told you more about that in my last post. But Alexander was also an incredibly caring and loving brother. I know that he loved all of his siblings and was proud of us. He had the greatest smile I know and could look at you in a way that you simply had to love him. Not many people can capture you with one look, he certainly could – if he wanted to. He could be really funny and amuse you so much. But I think one of the things I love most about him is his way to be with you. Whenever he talks with you he is there 150% and it seems to you being with him that he is solely with you that moment. It is the same way when he hugs you and smiles looking at you. I would give so much to see that one more time.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.