We are getting ready to leave for visiting family over the ocean. We have been looking forward to this trip for a very long time. It will be very nice especially since my family is going to see where Luke’s family comes from for the first time. And yet it is so difficult for me to leave our little apartment here. Somehow I feel safe here, if something happens I could be anywhere in a short time. I am so scared of leaving this safety behind. Somehow it relates to Alexander, too. Obviously it is not really logical but when is grief logical.
I broke down while packing yesterday and a big chunk of tears is still sitting inside me waiting for me to let it out. I try to lock it up for a while because it hurts so much. And yet it is not better to lock it up since then you carry the sadness everywhere you go but don’t get better. But I am so scared, so scared of the pain it causes.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
My brother Alexander
Alexander was a difficult person. He was so egocentric, stubborn and sometimes downright mean. I have told you more about that in my last post. But Alexander was also an incredibly caring and loving brother. I know that he loved all of his siblings and was proud of us. He had the greatest smile I know and could look at you in a way that you simply had to love him. Not many people can capture you with one look, he certainly could – if he wanted to. He could be really funny and amuse you so much. But I think one of the things I love most about him is his way to be with you. Whenever he talks with you he is there 150% and it seems to you being with him that he is solely with you that moment. It is the same way when he hugs you and smiles looking at you. I would give so much to see that one more time.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.
Dreams and thoughts
I don’t dream much of Alexander. If I dream there are more somehow scary dreams that are not directly related to him. I wish I could see him in my dreams and ask him the questions that I have for him. But it is not happening. However my brother, Alexander’s twin brother, dreamt of him. In his dream Alexander sat on a chair, leaning back casually how he used to do it and said “well, guess it just is how it is now. Can’t change anything anymore. Gotta go with it.” This dream and what he said has been following me the last few days. This is probably partly because it is so much like Alexander. It sounds so exactly like something he might say if you asked him today. But I feel like I want more from him. I want to know whether he is sorry or not, would he do something different if he could choose again? Is he sorry for the pain he caused us? Or is he really still so narcissistic that he does not see what he does to his loved ones? I wish I could get an answer.
Alexander was a difficult brother. There used to be a time when we were really close, when we were children. I loved him dearly, we did excursions, sometimes even only the two of us. I could not imagine going with anyone of the others but him. Obviously, being brother and sister, we still got caught in fights a lot too but they were never really serious. When we were teenagers we fought a lot more. I think that I felt as if he challenged my position as the oldest child in the family. These were bad fights now and it took us a long time to get past them. I don’t think that we ever got as close as we have been in our early childhood however. In his last year on this earth he started confiding in me and told me many of his problems. From my knowledge of today I know that they were only a minor fraction of what was bothering him, but it was a start. I felt like I really wanted to help him, so I tried. I tried talking to him, getting him to seek professional help, just being there for him, listening to him, arguing with him etc. I turned out that nothing helped. I could do nothing to change his mind in the end. It makes me so sad to know that I failed him. I often just talked with my mum about how best to help him. I think that it might have been better to just direct all that energy in talking about how to help him directly towards him. But it was so difficult to advise him what to do. He wouldn’t want to hear much of it. Only in certain moments you would not get screamed at immediately or he would not turn back at you and hurt you so deeply that you had to turn from him. The fear of something like that happening often kept me from talking with him directly. I wish I had been so scared. I know I am strong enough to take a lot so why did I not just let it happen? I am sorry, Alexander, that I failed to help you. I can’t even accuse you that you did not tell me what you were thinking about. I knew you were contemplating to do it and yet I did not do enough to keep you from doing it. I feel so guilty for that.
Alexander was a difficult brother. There used to be a time when we were really close, when we were children. I loved him dearly, we did excursions, sometimes even only the two of us. I could not imagine going with anyone of the others but him. Obviously, being brother and sister, we still got caught in fights a lot too but they were never really serious. When we were teenagers we fought a lot more. I think that I felt as if he challenged my position as the oldest child in the family. These were bad fights now and it took us a long time to get past them. I don’t think that we ever got as close as we have been in our early childhood however. In his last year on this earth he started confiding in me and told me many of his problems. From my knowledge of today I know that they were only a minor fraction of what was bothering him, but it was a start. I felt like I really wanted to help him, so I tried. I tried talking to him, getting him to seek professional help, just being there for him, listening to him, arguing with him etc. I turned out that nothing helped. I could do nothing to change his mind in the end. It makes me so sad to know that I failed him. I often just talked with my mum about how best to help him. I think that it might have been better to just direct all that energy in talking about how to help him directly towards him. But it was so difficult to advise him what to do. He wouldn’t want to hear much of it. Only in certain moments you would not get screamed at immediately or he would not turn back at you and hurt you so deeply that you had to turn from him. The fear of something like that happening often kept me from talking with him directly. I wish I had been so scared. I know I am strong enough to take a lot so why did I not just let it happen? I am sorry, Alexander, that I failed to help you. I can’t even accuse you that you did not tell me what you were thinking about. I knew you were contemplating to do it and yet I did not do enough to keep you from doing it. I feel so guilty for that.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Three months
Dear Alexander,
it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.
I miss you, little brother.
Carola
it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.
I miss you, little brother.
Carola
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