My story - After the news

As said before, my mum wanted us down as soon as possible. I did not know what I wanted so I just tried to do what she told me to do. Since we do not own a car it was a little bit complicated to get down leaving around 10pm on a Sunday night. Thankfully, we could still rent a car, had friends of ours to drive us to the rental agency and then went onto the highway. It was a horrible drive. In the beginning we were still full of adrenaline but that left after two or so hours. Then it started raining heavily, and Luke had to drive all the way because I had enjoyed too much wine previously. It was a horrible drive. Around 2.30 in the morning we finally arrived at my parents house. I could only hold my parents, my brother and cry. Although it was so late we sat down and they told me what had happened.
That night we did not sleep much. In the morning we got up and were the first ones after my mum who was on the phone when we came into the dining room. We did not want to disturb her, so we left the room. When she hung up I could hear her starting to sob heavily. Immediately I went in to hug her but our dog was faster. The dog had heard my mum, too, and just went to her chair and leaned on her legs looking at her as if she was trying to comfort her. I will never forget this scene, how she was so fast in feeling what my mum needed.
The day was tough. We had to go to the funeral home and arrange the funeral. It was decided to be held on Friday, May 8. I created the draft of the obituary, too. That was the first time I really noticed that my brother was gone. You know, when you are children you are always called in a certain way. Well, it was so often that I put the names of the six of us in the order of birth next to each other. So when it came to put down the names of us siblings I just started writing the names, including Alexander. Only after I had written his name did I notice I had to delete it again. His name was on the top of the obituary. I am crying while typing this. I can still not believe that I really, really lost my younger brother. How could this happen?
The next day, Tuesday, Luke, my youngest brother and me went to see the priest that married Luke and me. It was good to talk with him. One thing of our conversation is still helping me. In the hope that it might still help someone else, too, I will share it here. Our priest told us about a young child with a fatal disease. The parents came to the priest to have their child baptized. He asked them how they could still be so hopeful. They answered that another young child had told them how it happened to be that their child had to die: It is really simple. God cannot heal him down here on earth, he has to take him up into heaven to be able to heal him completely.
That night the coffin was brought to our house for the viewing. Alexander stayed with us for the night. I went to see him and talk to him in the hope to really see myself that my brother is really gone. I did not recognize him anymore. Only his hands were still his hands. It did not give me the relieve I had hoped it would give me.
Early the next morning they picked him up again. When I saw the car with him disappear around the corner, leaving our home for the last time, it was as if something broke inside me again. And yet there was my mum behind me crying, too. Thankfully my brother was there to hold her, I could not have managed to do it.
The days before Friday were busy arranging flowers, talking with the priest who was going to do the sermon for Alexander, sending out the obituary notices and just being there for one another. We felt that we all got so incredibly close to one another. Not that we had not been close before, but this was a new closeness. I was glad to have a husband beside me to help me get through those days. As the oldest sister I felt like having to hold my younger siblings, being there for my parents, too. So I was and still am so grateful to have someone to lean on.