Four months

Dear Alexander

Today it is four months since you left us. It is still unbelievable and not fathomable that you left us forever. I have as hard of a time understanding it as on the first day.
Right now we are on the holiday that you were supposed to be on with us. We miss you every day, in fact, I notice that you are missing even more than at home. I don’t know whether you would be happy here or not, find our vacation exciting enough or not. But I know that we all do miss you and are so deeply sorry you decided to leave this world and all of us. Right now we are on our way to a big national park and are excited for hiking in the nature a bit. This sometimes makes me feel as if you were closer but also makes me aware of the decision you made. This is such a beautiful, great world with so many things to explore you really need a long life to feel you have seen a good portion of it. At least that is how I feel. So while creating this feeling of being closer to you it also makes me painfully aware that you must have been really ill to not want to see all of this world’s beauty. I wish you could tell me what made you make this decision. I still have all those questions I want to ask you. I have no idea how I will get through life having all of them unanswered. Can you hear me? Can you hear us crying for you? Do you see mum crying while all of us are laughing because she just sees you in the midst of us but you are still gone? Do you see how our life feels as if there is a big, gigantic dark cloud over it? Do you know that we don’t feel any wind that would help to blow it away? I miss you so much.
On Saturday we will have our wedding reception for the family over here. I know that my parents in law are really looking forward to it, but I wish it would not happen. I wish I would not have to go to it. I know I should start to live again and to celebrate again, too. But it is so hard when you are gone, Alexander! I miss you so much and, oh, if you were here, it would be all so happy! I would have asked you to sing for us again with your beautiful voice. Now we will have to sing ourselves without you as a supporting voice. How hard is this going to be. Will you be looking over us? Will you be, at least somehow, with us? I need to know that so that I can actually be there and not only in the past. Alexander, I love you and miss you so so much. I will never understand how you could do this, why you decided that life was not worth living for you. However, I hope and wish with all my heart that you found peace wherever you are. And I hope that you can look and see us crying for you so that you know at least now without your illness blocking your view how much we really love you. I hope you can somehow hear me crying out for you and wishing you well. I love you so much, my dear brother!