With all those problems that have been unfolded in the aftermath of Alexander’s death I always made myself believe that this would not happen to me again, never again. I would hopefully see the signs early on and act in a better way. I would be able to help the person who might not even see he needs help.
Now, yes, already, I have a similar situation within my own family. A very close family member is behaving in ways I used to know from Alexander years ago. At this point it is in no way exactly like what it used to be like the last months of his life but how it was several years ago. And compared to that it is scarily similar. But what to do? I am just as helpless as ever, or almost. I hope that I can get that person to see a therapist, I guess, what changed is that I do see my own limits and those of my family clearer. I see where I need help. But I want to do more but am unable to help. I have to completely trust a therapist I do not know and believe in his/her ability. This family member does only seldom see the problems caused by him/her and mainly blames the others. There are outbursts of accusations and ugly at that which cause big problems within the family. I feel so helpless again, so tied down. Again I can only hope I am doing things better, I do not know it. I am so scared of a similar spiral as Alexander’s.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Memory thoughts
Memory is such a strange thing. It comes and goes, and yet it is with you at all times. It is only more prevalent at certain times than at others. With my memories of Alexander comes my grief. It is similar to my memories, it also comes and goes and differs in intensity but it is always there underneath. And mostly, when it does come out, it hits hard.
I notice new sides of me. I feel like I am getting to know myself in another way. These sides have been there before, too, but I did not notice them or at least not to that degree. One of these is that I try to avoid masses of people more than I used to. While I was never one for many people they also did not bother me. Now they do mostly. I like being alone or with close family or friends while I find it much harder to be with friends not so close and trying to talk about stuff I do not want to talk about. But I see differences there more clearly than I used to, too. For example I notice that I make much more of an effort to meet family members that I am not so close to but who might like to become closer and get to know each other better. Even when this is not always easy I feel like it is important to know for myself that I tried at least to be in contact. I guess these things are driven by my underlying fear of someone else leaving me forever without saying a proper goodbye and leaving me again with the feeling of guilt that I did not try hard enough. Rationally I do understand that this is not going to change anything. If I would feel guilty these times of previous visiting would unlikely change that. And yet I am trying, fighting.
This is hard to do when you have part of your family on a different continent. I hope we will still spend some quality time together when we come to visit in August and September since I know more than ever how important this is.
And then I had a very important interview today. I had difficulties preparing for it since I could not concentrate as much as I had hoped for. Even though I was very nervous since this will decide where I will be the next few years and what I will be doing I had a strange calmness about the whole thing. Even if it will not work out I know that I will find another way to do my stuff. I know that I have the things most important in my life already. I have the most wonderful husband and a great family and friends, a roof over my head and am not alone even in the darkest of my moments on this earth yet.
I notice new sides of me. I feel like I am getting to know myself in another way. These sides have been there before, too, but I did not notice them or at least not to that degree. One of these is that I try to avoid masses of people more than I used to. While I was never one for many people they also did not bother me. Now they do mostly. I like being alone or with close family or friends while I find it much harder to be with friends not so close and trying to talk about stuff I do not want to talk about. But I see differences there more clearly than I used to, too. For example I notice that I make much more of an effort to meet family members that I am not so close to but who might like to become closer and get to know each other better. Even when this is not always easy I feel like it is important to know for myself that I tried at least to be in contact. I guess these things are driven by my underlying fear of someone else leaving me forever without saying a proper goodbye and leaving me again with the feeling of guilt that I did not try hard enough. Rationally I do understand that this is not going to change anything. If I would feel guilty these times of previous visiting would unlikely change that. And yet I am trying, fighting.
This is hard to do when you have part of your family on a different continent. I hope we will still spend some quality time together when we come to visit in August and September since I know more than ever how important this is.
And then I had a very important interview today. I had difficulties preparing for it since I could not concentrate as much as I had hoped for. Even though I was very nervous since this will decide where I will be the next few years and what I will be doing I had a strange calmness about the whole thing. Even if it will not work out I know that I will find another way to do my stuff. I know that I have the things most important in my life already. I have the most wonderful husband and a great family and friends, a roof over my head and am not alone even in the darkest of my moments on this earth yet.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Family weekend
Finally we made it to my parents' this weekend. I was pretty nervous on Friday about how it would go, how it would hit me again. As I wrote in a previous post it always seems as if everything is getting more real when I am there and can be at the grave, too. I dread this feeling and at the same time I long for it as a way to start understanding, to start believing this actually happened. However, this time it was different. There was no such thing as understanding or believing. I think on a day where all of us are together and there is still someone missing I might start feeling it more. The past few days we were - now - almost complete, only my youngest brother missing. And Alexander, of course. But with two gone it seems normal, it was so rare that we were all together except for special occasions. And on Saturday we were working hard in the garden which kept thoughts to a minimum.
When we went to the grave today it still did not make me believe that my brother, my brother is actually buried there. Too surreal. Since it is also my grandfather's grave I see him there. I cannot shed any tears when I am there which makes me feel bad then, too.
What feels good is to talk about him and to share where we are standing. This, of course, is not always possible. On Saturday morning I think I was simply overwhelmed with so many dear family members around, making the same kind of bad jokes as always. I was sad and so those comments did not settle well with me. But then they are there for you too and give you a hug when you can take it. This is family, and I love it. I wish Alexander would have seen this amazing gift here, too. Then again I feel like he did know, he did feel it somewhere deep down. There must be a reason he did not do this when he was in the city he was studying in, that he did come home for so many weekends before. He would have never acknowledged that but I hope he felt it. I hope that he still felt somewhere deep down how much we all loved him. I know I am repeating myself here but this is so important to me, so so important. I wish I would have a way to tell him again how much he means to me.
I am not sure whether I mentioned this before but Alexander's vision of things and life in general were strongly changed by his bipolar disorder. In addition to that he took drugs for many years which might be the reason for his changed personality compared to his childhood. Now his drug use was not the most extensive and he managed very well to hide it from us how much he was taking. He did not make it easy for us to try to help him. In his bad times he kept pushing his loved ones away, hurting them knowingly and deep down. He was smart enough to know what to say or do. We still stood by him, loved him and kept trying and trying to do the right thing to make him see what he did. To understand this I have to say that none of us knew of his diagnosis until after his death. He himself must have, according to diaries, known from at least March onwards. While I did know he had depressions I still mainly believed that it was his temper that made him act like that. Now I know it was his illness. You would not believe how sorry he felt once he realized, often many months later, how he had hurt you. When another person would have forgotten about it he started thinking about it. And in his manic phases he was the most amazing brother ever. Sooo charming, so good looking, such a warm, catching smile, so smart and clever.
I noticed today how I am starting to remember those good times more. I just miss him so much that I think I am not forgetting, but simply feeling the good times more. Probably a natural thing but still so different. Of course there comes the fact too that I do now know what I did not then, that his illness often made him behave in a way different to what he might have done otherwise.
I plan to say a bit more about his personalty and his manic depression at some point although not today. Today I am just glad that I have my family and my dear husband to go through this together with.
When we went to the grave today it still did not make me believe that my brother, my brother is actually buried there. Too surreal. Since it is also my grandfather's grave I see him there. I cannot shed any tears when I am there which makes me feel bad then, too.
What feels good is to talk about him and to share where we are standing. This, of course, is not always possible. On Saturday morning I think I was simply overwhelmed with so many dear family members around, making the same kind of bad jokes as always. I was sad and so those comments did not settle well with me. But then they are there for you too and give you a hug when you can take it. This is family, and I love it. I wish Alexander would have seen this amazing gift here, too. Then again I feel like he did know, he did feel it somewhere deep down. There must be a reason he did not do this when he was in the city he was studying in, that he did come home for so many weekends before. He would have never acknowledged that but I hope he felt it. I hope that he still felt somewhere deep down how much we all loved him. I know I am repeating myself here but this is so important to me, so so important. I wish I would have a way to tell him again how much he means to me.
I am not sure whether I mentioned this before but Alexander's vision of things and life in general were strongly changed by his bipolar disorder. In addition to that he took drugs for many years which might be the reason for his changed personality compared to his childhood. Now his drug use was not the most extensive and he managed very well to hide it from us how much he was taking. He did not make it easy for us to try to help him. In his bad times he kept pushing his loved ones away, hurting them knowingly and deep down. He was smart enough to know what to say or do. We still stood by him, loved him and kept trying and trying to do the right thing to make him see what he did. To understand this I have to say that none of us knew of his diagnosis until after his death. He himself must have, according to diaries, known from at least March onwards. While I did know he had depressions I still mainly believed that it was his temper that made him act like that. Now I know it was his illness. You would not believe how sorry he felt once he realized, often many months later, how he had hurt you. When another person would have forgotten about it he started thinking about it. And in his manic phases he was the most amazing brother ever. Sooo charming, so good looking, such a warm, catching smile, so smart and clever.
I noticed today how I am starting to remember those good times more. I just miss him so much that I think I am not forgetting, but simply feeling the good times more. Probably a natural thing but still so different. Of course there comes the fact too that I do now know what I did not then, that his illness often made him behave in a way different to what he might have done otherwise.
I plan to say a bit more about his personalty and his manic depression at some point although not today. Today I am just glad that I have my family and my dear husband to go through this together with.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Watching videos
It was hard to concentrate today, again. I really need to prepare for an interview next Tuesday and still I am having so many problems with it.
I feel completely numb and so unable to cry when I think of Alexander. Looking up my brothers' emails I also looked up the ones I got from him. There was a link to a video he uploaded. On none of the you can actually see him since he is the one filming but you can here his voice, his laugh. It seems so alive. I cannot believe that he is not on this earth any longer. So, so hard to believe. You would think that after more than two months I would finally start realizing what happened. I fell as if the contrary is happening, I push it further and further and have no idea any more. I light candles for him, I listen to sad music but I rarely cry. I seldom feel completely down any more. But then I still have those problems concentrating, problems with getting myself organized and I am simply sad somewhere deep down. That I can feel but would be unable to tell you whether this comes from Alexander's death or something inside me. My rational tells me that the two are related but it is hard to understand.
I wish I could just cry for him. I feel almost as if I am being a bad sister not being able to cry for him. And then I also try to push the thought away, try to think there is no reason to cry. But there is, even though I am not completely able to realize the extent of this.
I feel completely numb and so unable to cry when I think of Alexander. Looking up my brothers' emails I also looked up the ones I got from him. There was a link to a video he uploaded. On none of the you can actually see him since he is the one filming but you can here his voice, his laugh. It seems so alive. I cannot believe that he is not on this earth any longer. So, so hard to believe. You would think that after more than two months I would finally start realizing what happened. I fell as if the contrary is happening, I push it further and further and have no idea any more. I light candles for him, I listen to sad music but I rarely cry. I seldom feel completely down any more. But then I still have those problems concentrating, problems with getting myself organized and I am simply sad somewhere deep down. That I can feel but would be unable to tell you whether this comes from Alexander's death or something inside me. My rational tells me that the two are related but it is hard to understand.
I wish I could just cry for him. I feel almost as if I am being a bad sister not being able to cry for him. And then I also try to push the thought away, try to think there is no reason to cry. But there is, even though I am not completely able to realize the extent of this.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Difficulties in communication
Usually I am pretty close to my mum. Especially now, after Alexander’s death, our feelings were similar and we could easily talk about them. It felt good to share. Not today. When we talked today it was really difficult for me. Lately, I feel like I need to be there for my mum who seems to have the same feelings of guilt over and over again. I do have them too, don’t get me wrong, but to a different degree. I feel so much guilt in very many aspects regarding Alexander. But with her it is different. She seems to feel nothing but guilt and grief, and it seems like her thoughts are so extremely focusing on Alexander that it is difficult for me to tell her what is going on with my life apart from my own grief about him. When I do tell her she listens but it seems as if she is so preoccupied with her own feelings that she does still listen and feel with me but not as much as she did before. She is too focused on Alexander. I do not mean this as an accusation but it is still difficult for me. Especially when I feel different about certain aspects of Alexander’s death. I do not think that a hug just before he left our home the very last time would have changed any of what he did later. It would help my mum, of that I am certain. And it would have been nice to know that he could feel my mum’s love one last time instead of just whishing him a good hunt. But I do believe that at this point, nothing could have changed his opinion of what he did to himself later. At least nothing my mum could have done.
When I try to tell her that I feel like she listens to me but does not believe it. Now I do not want to make her believe everything I think since it is all a big speculation what Alexander really was thinking. But I wish she could see that there are other possibilities, that it must not have been her fault. I wish I could help her. And when I feel like she does not understand me I grow silent and it must seem awful to her. Still I don’t want to end our phone conversation on that ground so we keep on going, mainly my mum telling me how she feels and what she thinks. I just feel so incredibly helpless then. I failed already one time when I tried to help. How could this change now? So I continue to be fairly silent and just listen. But it hurts not being able to help her, and it hurts that she seems so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t really see me on the other line anymore.
Before we talked I felt fine, now I am caught myself in those thoughts again. I hope I will still be able to get some of my stuff done since I have an interview next week. It is important that I can get my thoughts together and concentrate. However, sometimes it is oh so difficult.
When I try to tell her that I feel like she listens to me but does not believe it. Now I do not want to make her believe everything I think since it is all a big speculation what Alexander really was thinking. But I wish she could see that there are other possibilities, that it must not have been her fault. I wish I could help her. And when I feel like she does not understand me I grow silent and it must seem awful to her. Still I don’t want to end our phone conversation on that ground so we keep on going, mainly my mum telling me how she feels and what she thinks. I just feel so incredibly helpless then. I failed already one time when I tried to help. How could this change now? So I continue to be fairly silent and just listen. But it hurts not being able to help her, and it hurts that she seems so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t really see me on the other line anymore.
Before we talked I felt fine, now I am caught myself in those thoughts again. I hope I will still be able to get some of my stuff done since I have an interview next week. It is important that I can get my thoughts together and concentrate. However, sometimes it is oh so difficult.
Not knowing what to say
We have guests right now. They are friends of Luke but not close at all. However, they will be with us when we will celebrate our wedding again with Luke’s family in September. I believe that they do not know what happened on May 3.
It is difficult for me to tell them. I feel so lost. We looked at wedding pictures and she asked me how many brothers I had. The answer goes easy, I have three brothers, but it is still painful. I have three brothers but one of them is gone to a far away place. I don’t know where he is. I feel like they should know but I still can’t just go up and tell them, by the way… And then again, maybe they do know. It is also possible that they simply don’t know what to say and so they just left it. But I hate this not knowing how to deal with them.
Today seems to be a hard day. In a way that is good since I felt so numb the last few days. I could not cry or even really think about Alexander. I just lived my life passively. I have gone through enough waves to know that I will feel the pain in all its enormity again soon. Just when exactly this will happen I do not know. It seems as if I can only tell in retrospective.
It is difficult for me to tell them. I feel so lost. We looked at wedding pictures and she asked me how many brothers I had. The answer goes easy, I have three brothers, but it is still painful. I have three brothers but one of them is gone to a far away place. I don’t know where he is. I feel like they should know but I still can’t just go up and tell them, by the way… And then again, maybe they do know. It is also possible that they simply don’t know what to say and so they just left it. But I hate this not knowing how to deal with them.
Today seems to be a hard day. In a way that is good since I felt so numb the last few days. I could not cry or even really think about Alexander. I just lived my life passively. I have gone through enough waves to know that I will feel the pain in all its enormity again soon. Just when exactly this will happen I do not know. It seems as if I can only tell in retrospective.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
For Alexander
Dear Alexander,
I don't know whether you can somewhere hear me or get this message somehow. I truly wish that you do.
First of all, we love you, I love you. We love you so so much, all of us. And we miss you terribly, I do believe more than you could ever imagine. Certainly more than I could imagine to ever miss someone. We try to find answers to our questions of why you did this. We make up explanations knowing you would probably counter most of them with your logic.
It is hard for me to try to understand how you felt, even when so many people try to describe this state. Why did you not really seek treatment? Why did you not give your life a chance? Why did you not let me know how dark it was inside you? I know you made attempts, and I am so sorry I did not understand you. I am so truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time. Would you have done it anyway? Or could I have saved your life? Those questions are coming back again and again.
Sometimes, though, it is as if you are just gone for a holiday. I could not bring myself to delete your phone number in my mobile. Maybe you will call me again some day? Oh how I would long for that.
I know that sometimes you were bitter and full of revenge for this world. I hope that you feel different now, that you can feel all the love that I and all of our family always wanted to give you and have you feel. I truly hope that you did not do this only to show us something. This thought scares me. If you had to do this I hope you had to do it because you could not see any other way, even though I am sure there was one. I wish you could tell me what you felt when you had pulled that trigger, this millisecond in between. Did you wish you had not done it? Were you happy that it was all over, all your pain?
Alexander, I hope you feel better now. I hope that this helped at least one of us. I don’t know how you could do this. Would you have done it even if you had not had access to the weapons? Where did we not hear you, how could I have truly helped you? Could I have done something else? Oh I have so many things I want to ask you, I want to understand. I wish I could get answers, honest answers.
One thing I know though and am so sorry that I did not tell you often enough: I love you, my dear, dear Alexander, my dear brother. I love you!
Carola
I don't know whether you can somewhere hear me or get this message somehow. I truly wish that you do.
First of all, we love you, I love you. We love you so so much, all of us. And we miss you terribly, I do believe more than you could ever imagine. Certainly more than I could imagine to ever miss someone. We try to find answers to our questions of why you did this. We make up explanations knowing you would probably counter most of them with your logic.
It is hard for me to try to understand how you felt, even when so many people try to describe this state. Why did you not really seek treatment? Why did you not give your life a chance? Why did you not let me know how dark it was inside you? I know you made attempts, and I am so sorry I did not understand you. I am so truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time. Would you have done it anyway? Or could I have saved your life? Those questions are coming back again and again.
Sometimes, though, it is as if you are just gone for a holiday. I could not bring myself to delete your phone number in my mobile. Maybe you will call me again some day? Oh how I would long for that.
I know that sometimes you were bitter and full of revenge for this world. I hope that you feel different now, that you can feel all the love that I and all of our family always wanted to give you and have you feel. I truly hope that you did not do this only to show us something. This thought scares me. If you had to do this I hope you had to do it because you could not see any other way, even though I am sure there was one. I wish you could tell me what you felt when you had pulled that trigger, this millisecond in between. Did you wish you had not done it? Were you happy that it was all over, all your pain?
Alexander, I hope you feel better now. I hope that this helped at least one of us. I don’t know how you could do this. Would you have done it even if you had not had access to the weapons? Where did we not hear you, how could I have truly helped you? Could I have done something else? Oh I have so many things I want to ask you, I want to understand. I wish I could get answers, honest answers.
One thing I know though and am so sorry that I did not tell you often enough: I love you, my dear, dear Alexander, my dear brother. I love you!
Carola
Friday, July 3, 2009
Two months
Hard to believe, two months ago were the last few hours Alexander was with us on this earth. And I did not call him or do anything to let him know how much I love him. Despite all the arguments we sometimes had he was my younger, big brother. He is next to me in age, even if it is only by 20 minutes. Somehow it was still different. And now he influenced my life in a way I never could imagine one of my siblings to influence it.
I seem to be going through a phase in which I just do not believe what is going on. I have the feeling like I will simply some time wake up from this bad dream and he will be back again.
I have not been at my parents' for a little over a month. The time here has been hard at times. I was pleasantly surprised when my parents came last weekend for my birthday to visit us as a surprise. I enjoyed showing my dad the city and our surroundings. It was good that they were here. Of course we talked a bit about Alexander but it was not as prominent as it had been the times we had met before. I don't know whether this says something or not.
Last Saturday we went to a support group in town. It was an interesting experience. I almost chickened out but thankfully Luke convinced me to go. I felt so relieved afterward. It was not because they could really help me, I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but it was so comforting to be able to tell my story with all the small details that really keep me thinking to other people who would not be shocked, not be tempted to change the subject. They could actually listen. And the great thing was that then the topic moved on to some other person and his/her feelings and thoughts. For the first time when talking about Alexander it did not circulate only around him. This felt incredibly good. I am looking forward to the next meeting in a month.
On Tuesday I had to work a lot and was out for it. My mum called while I was gone for the first time and left a short message. I could hear in her voice that she was not doing well. When I called her back she did not have time to really talk since she was having lunch with my sister. She wanted to call me back but I mentioned that I wanted to take a nap before my next job which would run until late at night. Even though she understood I felt bad for quite a while. Did I let her down by not giving up my nap for her so she might feel better after talking with me? Very often do I feel this responsibility, not only for my mum but my dad, too, and especially my other siblings. I would not forgive myself not being there for them if they need me. I lost one of them, how could I survive losing someone else? I know that there is no immediate danger but this does not make me relax.
I seem to be going through a phase in which I just do not believe what is going on. I have the feeling like I will simply some time wake up from this bad dream and he will be back again.
I have not been at my parents' for a little over a month. The time here has been hard at times. I was pleasantly surprised when my parents came last weekend for my birthday to visit us as a surprise. I enjoyed showing my dad the city and our surroundings. It was good that they were here. Of course we talked a bit about Alexander but it was not as prominent as it had been the times we had met before. I don't know whether this says something or not.
Last Saturday we went to a support group in town. It was an interesting experience. I almost chickened out but thankfully Luke convinced me to go. I felt so relieved afterward. It was not because they could really help me, I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but it was so comforting to be able to tell my story with all the small details that really keep me thinking to other people who would not be shocked, not be tempted to change the subject. They could actually listen. And the great thing was that then the topic moved on to some other person and his/her feelings and thoughts. For the first time when talking about Alexander it did not circulate only around him. This felt incredibly good. I am looking forward to the next meeting in a month.
On Tuesday I had to work a lot and was out for it. My mum called while I was gone for the first time and left a short message. I could hear in her voice that she was not doing well. When I called her back she did not have time to really talk since she was having lunch with my sister. She wanted to call me back but I mentioned that I wanted to take a nap before my next job which would run until late at night. Even though she understood I felt bad for quite a while. Did I let her down by not giving up my nap for her so she might feel better after talking with me? Very often do I feel this responsibility, not only for my mum but my dad, too, and especially my other siblings. I would not forgive myself not being there for them if they need me. I lost one of them, how could I survive losing someone else? I know that there is no immediate danger but this does not make me relax.
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