Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Eve

This year is coming to a close and it is so strange. At some points I thought I would never get through this year. It has changed me more profoundly than I would have ever imagined a single year could change me.
My aunt called me today and we chatted for a while. She then went on to wish me a good new year and I agreed, saying that I hoped the new year would be a much better one than the last. She answered that the last one was not all bad and that we learned so much about us and other people than we would have ever imagined possible. I agree but I still think that the last year was not a good one. There were good moments, for sure. But a good year? Never, not the last one. It made me angry that she could not see my point but felt like she had to lecture me to see the good sides in Alexander’s death. I don’t think that I am someone who does not see that something did come out of his death, there is some kind of legacy that he passed on. That is true. But knowing this does not make the last year a good one. I am disappointed that she could not simply join me in grief. At least we connected in the hope for a better new year.
I really hope that this next year will be better. I wish I could say it could not be worse but this last year also taught me that it always can be. Life cannot be planned. So I am hoping and praying.

First Christmas without Alexander

I was very anxious about Christmas, as was everyone in my family. I have rarely felt that much tension among us and yet not directed against anyone. And then it still turned out to be halfway nice if I can say that.
Luke and I came to my parent’s house on Christmas eve. We had planned to attend church that afternoon at 4.30 pm, so there was a little chatting before we had to get changed and ready for the service. My sister Sophie was sick so she stayed home for the service. All of us were waiting in the hallway for Dorothée to get ready. Finally I went upstairs to find her in tears saying that she did not want to come along. She had had a fight with Sophie again and was scared of everyone at church seeing that she had cried. Thankfully I could convince her to come along but it was so awful to feel this tension between all of us! This little problem made us late for church; we entered just on time into a completely packed church, only standing room left. It was a nice service, the priest mentioned the grieving and sad people around this supposedly joyful time, too, which really helped all of us, especially my mum. We sang a lot during the service, something we had always done at home. When Silent Night was sung it gave me a weird feeling since I never really liked that song but Alexander really loved it. After the service we picked Sophie up and went to the cemetery. It was dark but there were so many candles light on the graves in the snow that it had a very peaceful atmosphere around it. Some people had put up little Christmas trees on their graves and on almost every single on of them were candles lit. My mum had a branch of our Christmas tree cut of with a few ornaments on and a candle that we put on Alexander’s and my grandpa’s grave. It was the first time that all of us were together at the grave again since the funeral. There were very sad moments but it was also very comforting to have the support of the family. We are really trying hard to be there for each other. After a prayer we headed home again, hoping, that we could leave some of the anxiety and tension at the gravesite.
I had been talking with my therapist that it might be helpful for me and my family if I took some of the cooking over around the holidays. My mum usually does the cooking but does not enjoy it all too much. I love to cook but not at home where I don’t feel like I can control the process. Now the plan was that I just preplanned everything and then both my mum and me would be more relaxed knowing that the cooking would be taken care of. It really worked, and on Christmas eve me and my siblings all worked together to get some sauces fixed for the fondue meal we had planned. It turned out to be a nice, peaceful and, as Sophie or Dorothée put it, very grown up meal. First we went into the living room where they had the Christmas tree and heard the Christmas story read by my dad, sung a song and then went over to have the meal. After eating for a couple of hours we thought it would be nice to open some presents, which we did in a relaxed way. Instead of two people opening all their gifts at the same time we took turns after one gift this time. Everything was a bit different but it still felt alright since there was no pressure to do something the ‘right’ way. Around midnight we then settled with a glass of wine around the table, reliving the night and relaxing some more. I think all of us found this Christmas to be in the end almost more peaceful and harmonic than the previous one (Alexander had caused a very tense atmosphere then).
Even though this was a bit longer I felt like I needed to share this, also to remind me of it in the future.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Only a few more days till christmas

Almost Christmas. This December was different for me. Normally, I plan at least some of my gifts fairly early but still have most not ready in the beginning of December. This year I was in denial that Christmas was anywhere near since the stores brought up their Christmas decoration, so since September. Then in December I had a hard time denying it any further. So I somehow thought now it is just around the corner. Beginning or end of December, it was all the same. And so I rushed through my list of presents to buy, hurried to have enough Christmas treats and had too much alcohol in general (I think it was a doomed to fail attempt to forget that it was really the season…). Anyway, now it is here. I am almost completely done with my presents, the two persons I have left (my dad and an aunt) will get done today, latest tomorrow. The last few days before Christmas eve I will be baking cookies, a tradition that I did not want to continue this year but then I could not pass this once a year opportunity to smother everyone, whether they want it or not, in my cookies. And as written previously cooking or even more so baking calms me down, is almost a yoga-type state for me. This especially sets in when I do the decorations of the single cookies. They have to be perfect and it just absorbs me so much that I forget the world around me completely.
So, what does this all have to do with Alexander? Not much, I guess. Just this feeling of uneasiness around Christmas is new. I loved the season, I loved our traditions or even experiencing something new with Luke’s family when we were over there. But now I look forward to being with the family but dread it at the same time. So many things will be different this year, in a way more the way that Alexander always wanted them to be. Normally there is much focus Christmas eve on the feeling of being together and the presents. Coming from such a big family I guess it sort of just happens that the presents get that focus since it simply takes time until all of them are unwrapped. Alexander always wanted us to remember the true reason for celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. I never really noticed this focus on presents until this years so I had a hard time understanding what he meant. I simply loved my childhood Christmases. Now this year we are planning to have a long dinner (fondue) and then will only unwrap one present each, the rest will be opened Christmas day.
Why am I so uneasy with this thought? Why am I having the same concentration problems I got so used to but thought was halfway done with? Why am I not looking forward to being with my family? I think it is something that we will especially notice how much he is missing. And it will be a tiny bit more real than it was before. I dread these moments of realizing the magnitude of Alexander’s decision. I am scared of arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings among us. We will still be eight people together, all of us mourning for the same person and yet all of us individually. Misunderstandings are so very likely. I feel responsible for making sure that this will not happen and get scared since I am not confident in my ability to stop every single argument. I hope Alexander will somehow be with us and help all of us to get through those tough days without being angry at each other.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Disappointments

Why does it hurt so much? Every day again? Why, oh why?
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Over seven months now

Dear Alexander,


it has been a while since I wrote you. I miss you every day and keep on thinking about you. Yesterday I thought about your illness again. I am certain that you could have continued to live if you only wanted. I believe that you would have been strong enough to succeed in your fight against your bipolar depression. This, however, just makes me more mad that you decided not to try and fight seriously. But I am getting closer to accepting your decision, it just makes me incredibly sad that you decided to leave us. We all miss you so much.
Now all of us are planning Christmas very anxiously. We are all anticipating a very difficult time, especially since mum is so very weak still. Do you see her? She lost so much weight, is still eating almost nothing and just so incredibly thin. I wish there was a way to give her a bit more strength, she needs it. So Christmas. I am one of the ones who want to change everything since I think it won’t be the same any more anyway. But I guess our little sisters still love Christmas the way it always was. It is difficult to find a consensus between all of us. And this is not an argument over presents or anything you would be pleased. I remember how you always wanted us to look at the true meaning of Christmas, I believe, because you did not believe in it yourself and just wanted to so badly. Well, it is not about Christmas now, it is all about trying to get passed this holiday. It will be so sad not to have your beautiful voice among us. I wonder whether we will even sing or not.
Some days are still so very hard for me. Will it ever get better? Do you see us and help us? I wish I would ever get some answers from you, see you in my dreams or hear something someway from you. I miss you.

Yours, Carola

An important message

I have been in an online support group for siblings for a while now. Through the group I received this message from Father Rubey who runs a LOSS program in Chicago. I wanted to share it with you since I think it has some important thoughts in it that help me through this holiday season. It was sent on Thanksgiving but obviously is true much longer.


November 2009

I recently made a trip to Ireland to visit family. While I was there a very tragic event made the news. It was about the tragic deaths of two young men. Both were twenty-two years of age. One of them suffered from mental illness and went off his medications. He was stalking his ex-girlfriend who was dating the other young man. The young man who suffered from mental illness stabbed the other young man and killed him. The one suffering from mental illness then stabbed himself to death. He injured the young woman during the fracas. The mother of the young man who was stabbed to death gave a eulogy at her son’s funeral. She said some very powerful things that resonated with me. She said “And now I ask what is my God of small things saying to me about this incomprehensible act which took place in our home last Sunday morning. This tragic event caused mayhem in all of our lives and robbed us of a son and a brother. We live in a world of contrasts – big, small, hard, soft, good, bad, dark and light. One cannot paint a picture without at least two shades. It is the dark which gives definition to the light. Darkness is just the lack of light. On that Sunday morning my God of small things said to me that one boy represented the light and the other boy represented the darkness through no fault of his own. Both played out their parts in the unfolding of God’s plan. As a result of this our family is faced with a choice. We can continue to live in darkness seeing only fear, anger,bitterness, resentment, blaming, blaming, blaming or are we ready to transmute this negativity? We can rise to the challenge with unconditional love knowing that we were born to this earth to grow. Our hearts are broken but maybe our hearts needed to be broken so that we could expand and grow.”

I thought of our LOSS family as I read this news account. Survivors’ hearts are broken as they mourn the tragic loss of a loved one from suicide. Survivors are met with a very big challenge as they grieve the loss of a loved from suicide. Survivors need to feel the tremendous pain resulting from the death of a loved from suicide. This is all part of the grief journey and it is very painful. But as this woman said, maybe hearts need to be broken in order to grow. Grow into what? That is the challenge of any survivor. Now that this tragedy has become part of the life of a survivor what is the survivor going to do with it? There can be a life of negativity and darkness or there can be a life of light and positive thinking. This takes time to develop into something positive but the question that each survivor must ask themselves is: What am I going to do with this tragic event? Hopefully, survivors are going to allow themselves to be transformed into positive thinking individuals who see rays of hope and growth in the tragic events of life.

We hear a lot about evolution these days. Our world is evolving constantly in different directions. We are also evolving and are part of an ongoing creative part of our world. We co-create with a higher power that some of us call God. We become participants in the process of life and we assist in developing the world around us. All around us we see growth and so must we grow from all of our life’s experiences –both the good and the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Our world is not fixed. It is constantly changing and evolving. The challenge for all of us is to see events in our lives not as obstacles or barriers but as opportunities for human growth and evolution into richer and more caring human beings. That is not always an easy task. It is very demanding and sometimes it is a very painful experience. Survivors can bemoan the fact that pain has entered their lives. There is no rhyme or reason why the suicide of a loved one enters someone’s life. Survivors try to figure out why this happened to them. That is a very normal question to ask. It has happened and now what will a survivor do with this awful experience? That is the crucial question and one that survivors need to ask themselves. Will this experience be the cause of destruction or will it be the cause of human growth and evolution into a more positive and caring person and one who will see this experience as an opportunity to become a better person. That is the challenge.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, hopefully we can experience things to be thankful for. Survivors will always miss that loved one who found life too painful but there are other people who are a part of the lives of survivors. They are gifts to a broken heart. They are rays of hope to the crestfallen. They are reasons to be thankful on this day and this time of the year. Survivors can concentrate on what is missing or they can concentrate on what is present. The evolving person can be richer and more appreciative of  what one has in life. The evolving person has survived a great challenge, That is reason to be thankful.

Survivors long for the life that they had before the suicide. They want to hark back to what once was and never will be again. The challenge is to embrace the evolving person and to embrace the situations in life that can be the cause of a new and enriched person. Life is a continuing process of evolution and survivors can either get lost in the process or be a part of this evolution. My prayer is that you are part of the latter.

As I gather on Thanksgiving Day I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers for you because I am very grateful to be a part of this family. I am enriched and better because I have journeyed this path with many of you. Thanks for allowing me this unique opportunity. I encourage you to remember each other in thought and prayer –especially on thanksgiving Day and especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin' On.
Father Rubey

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Missing

The last few days have been hard again. There was pressure from my work, I had to give a presentation and felt like I was not well enough prepared for it. Somehow I got it done but it took a few days to come down again. And then all there was left was this incredible sadness. I had not experienced it with this much force in a while but then yesterday all there was left was tears. I miss him so much. And especially this holiday season it is hard. Everyone expects you to be happy. But I am scared of this Christmas. I just don't know how it will be and I am scared to face my always, visibly sad mum. Oh Alexander, did you know what you were doing?