Memory thoughts

Memory is such a strange thing. It comes and goes, and yet it is with you at all times. It is only more prevalent at certain times than at others. With my memories of Alexander comes my grief. It is similar to my memories, it also comes and goes and differs in intensity but it is always there underneath. And mostly, when it does come out, it hits hard.
I notice new sides of me. I feel like I am getting to know myself in another way. These sides have been there before, too, but I did not notice them or at least not to that degree. One of these is that I try to avoid masses of people more than I used to. While I was never one for many people they also did not bother me. Now they do mostly. I like being alone or with close family or friends while I find it much harder to be with friends not so close and trying to talk about stuff I do not want to talk about. But I see differences there more clearly than I used to, too. For example I notice that I make much more of an effort to meet family members that I am not so close to but who might like to become closer and get to know each other better. Even when this is not always easy I feel like it is important to know for myself that I tried at least to be in contact. I guess these things are driven by my underlying fear of someone else leaving me forever without saying a proper goodbye and leaving me again with the feeling of guilt that I did not try hard enough. Rationally I do understand that this is not going to change anything. If I would feel guilty these times of previous visiting would unlikely change that. And yet I am trying, fighting.
This is hard to do when you have part of your family on a different continent. I hope we will still spend some quality time together when we come to visit in August and September since I know more than ever how important this is.
And then I had a very important interview today. I had difficulties preparing for it since I could not concentrate as much as I had hoped for. Even though I was very nervous since this will decide where I will be the next few years and what I will be doing I had a strange calmness about the whole thing. Even if it will not work out I know that I will find another way to do my stuff. I know that I have the things most important in my life already. I have the most wonderful husband and a great family and friends, a roof over my head and am not alone even in the darkest of my moments on this earth yet.