Rough days

I have had a few very rough days lately. It seems to me as if I suddenly start realizing that my dear brother is actually, really forever gone. Even though I knew this before it seems to sink in a bit more although I still doubt it is actually getting through to me. I miss him so very much. And all the time I ask myself whether it will really get better or what is going to happen to me. I dont recognize myself anymore. Yesterday I completely broke down at work, I didn´t even make it home anymore. I had to call my husband to come pick me up. Never has anything like that happened before. What a strange experience to be so completely unable to control your feelings. I simply could not stop crying.
We learned a few days ago that Alexander´s ex who split up with him in December last year, so five months before he commited suicide, went with her mum to the police after his death and gave them a five page report of what apperently had led to his suicide. In this “report“ she said that Alexander killed himself because he was driven to this by my parents. Apparently my parents just never gave him the love that he really needed and he was so upset about this that he could not live anymore. They reported that he was definitely not ill. Furthermore they claimed that the fact that many people left the church during the funeral service was because of the sermon the people disagreed with. The priest talked about Alexander´s split personality in a very good and truthful way stating both the amazing and awful parts of his character during his illness. We heard from a few people that they did not find a seat in the overcrowded church and additionaly could not even understand what was being said because the speakers did not work in that area so they left the church and waited outside. It is so awful to be blamed for the death and even more to have that publicly stated. I do not know what those people are thinking. I mean, even if it were all true the way they think it is, who would do such a thing and want to blame the surviving family? Isn´t it awful enough what we are going through? We just lost a brother, a son!! I am sooo angry. I hope I will never see them again in my life. Unfortunately this is unlikely since they live clos to my parents´. Why would you ever want to do something like that?
But my sadness within myself does not come from this awful story. It is more something deep within. I feel trapped inside many buildings, only at home it is halfway alright. I have no idea how I can overcome that feeling. I would need to be somewhere alone in nature but unfortunately that is pretty difficult around here. I am so angry that he did not even feel like he needed to say good-bye. I miss him, too, so badly. But mainly I am trying to understand why he did not feel this need to live anymore, how he could not believe that his life could change and be a good one. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I just am soo deeply sad even when I do something completely different and even if I am laughing.
I just had to get that out there, I feel like I can not tell anyone else. I don´t want to burden my mum and my other siblings, they are so involved in what they are doing themselves. Plus what could they do? But it helps already to write it down and tell you. I know this is a lot and not very organized but it just wanted to get out.