Abroad again

This is now my second time abroad this year, again for studying reasons. Again I am gone for almost three months. Again it feels awful. And yet it is different.
This spring was horrible partly because of the season, the first anniversary, the loneliness. While I am still lonely here I also have not that far to go home and actually do so every weekend. Or we meet elsewhere, like this weekend. Going on a weekend city trip is also quite nice, nothing to be laughed at, right? And yet, the days and times I am here in this admittedly beautiful city I only feel like bawling my eyes out. Well, sometimes it is better. But trust me, it gets back to being horrible, guaranteed. Not that I want it. I fight it. At least I try, but usually I fail. The only thing I can really do is wait until the phase is over. So why is all of this?
My rational mind tells me it can certainly not be all Alexander’s fault. He left us 1 and ½ years ago, it cannot affect me as much by now, right? Well, I think partly. I think what stuck with me is the fear of being alone, having to deal with myself and all of my feelings by myself. I am in the incredibly lucky position of having the best husband I could wish for and he is there for me, always, even if only on the phone. Yet this phone thing is just not the same. Call me spoiled, but it is not. I miss him, his advice, his strength, his believe in me. So what I am left with after Alexander left us is a profound fear of being alone. This does not mean I cannot be alone for a few hours a day in fact I need that. Yet knowing that there will be no one all day, for several days to hold me, to tell me that everything is going to be alright sucks and leaves me empty and fearful.
And there is another side to it too. I am scared to leave my family behind. Now, this does not really make sense since I am not much further away than usually, but since I am all alone here it still gives me that impression. It is difficult for them to get a hold of me, which in turn makes me feel like I am even farther away. I was there when Alexander left us. Again, my rationale is telling me that it does not make sense. Me being away does not mean something bad is going to happen. And yet, there is this feeling inside me, deeply rooted.
Thankfully my crying makes me tired so I sleep a lot. And sleeping helps passing the time. So I am almost halfway done with my time here. By far the best thing about it is that I will not have to do another semi-long stay abroad in the foreseeable future. I am praying that the remaining time will go fast and without too much bad feelings.

17 months

Dear Alexander,

Another month passed without you. Some months just seem to fly by, this one was certainly one of this kind. There is so much you are missing out on, so much that I would love to tell you. The in my mind most exciting news first: You are going to be an uncle! I am sure you would have been such a loving and caring uncle, and I am so very very sad you will not be there to see your first niece/nephew. We all miss you so much.
Sophie is getting excited and would love to share her plans with you. I know you would be so very proud of her and what she is doing! Dorothée on the other hand would probably really appreciate your advice. She is so lost with what to do with her life, having such a hard time deciding and knowing what is best for her. Of course me and the other siblings are there for her but still it is your piece of advice that is missing. With your particular view of the world, of options that are out there you would have simply added another point of view. I know she misses to hear that.
How do you feel about missing so much of our lives? Do you even notice? Are you happy? It is so amazing, I thought maybe I would at some point just be fine not getting an answer to those questions, but if that point ever comes it most certainly is not here quite yet. Are you still glad you did what you did? To yourself, to us? Was it worth it?
With life being that busy I had a bit less time to ponder about those questions but they are there with me every day, every hour. Sometimes they don’t reach the surface but that does not mean that they are not there. I hope you know, feel that you are being missed. So tremendously, so enormously. Every single day, every single hour, every single minute.
And you are being loved, forever.
Yours, Carola