In the time after Alexander's death my family moved a lot closer together. This is true for us brothers and sisters, us and our parents, but also my aunts and uncles with their families. I have a pretty big family but most of them live around the town where my parents live. Still, before Alexander decided to leave us we did not meet all that often or even really talked. Of course we had big family celebrations together like my wedding with everybody coming but we still did not always take the time to simply meet over coffee. Now we meet more often, talk more, and they were even nice enough to bring over food in the first few weeks. My aunts still call my mum on most days to ask her how she is feeling. It is wonderful to know that there is family that tries to help us on this rough path.
One of my aunts is one of my godmothers and has always tried to be there for me. After we went back to our own home she wrote repeatedly a card or a letter to let me know she is thinking of me or to cheer me up. Now I received a parcel from her a few days ago. I thought how nice, I imagined a book about bereavement or something like that and opened it. I quickly found out that it was meant for my birthday. I just started crying, loosing ground, feeling so alone in this world. Luke was at work and I had my paper to write. So I had to deal with this alone. I had not expected to receive anything for my birthday yet. In fact I had not even thought of my birthday. I am not in the mood of celebrating anything. Even when I was a little kid I got scared of my own birthdays. I did not like being the special person for the day. Well, it was different for my wedding but to this day I am not a big fan of my birthdays. And certainly not this year. How can I skip this day? I just want to hide away from the world, be alone, all alone. And then this hurts, too. I do not know myself anymore. How could this happen? How can I stop feeling so out of touch with myself?
Saturday, June 27, 2009
My story - the funeral and the time since then
The day of the funeral was unreal. I do not know whether this is the word to describe it but certainly it was just not meant to be. I mean, how can I put my 23 year old brother to rest in a cemetery? He is meant to live for many more years! It is not right that he is in this coffin! I felt so helpless, I am the older sister, I should be able to help him, right? Why did he not come to me, why could I not help him? I would have moved heaven and earth to help him, to keep him alive!
I had not been to a service since my wedding. Isn't that awful? And then it happened that since were so many the front church pew was not long enough. So there were two chairs next to the pew. They were standing in the middle aisle. Since Luke and me were the last ones of my family to enter the church we had to sit there on those chairs. I could not help but think of our wedding just two weeks ago where we were sitting in a similar position but my world was still alright and the best it could have been.
Many of Alexander's friends had called us and wanted to contribute to the service. When his school friends, also trained singers, started singing, it was as if Alexander were up there. One of them had the same pitch of the voice. I wanted him to stop singing so badly even though it was so nice and beautiful and moving.
Our priest gave a wonderful sermon letting people know of how torn Alexander was inside himself without leaving out to mention his great smile, wonderful bright eyes, his warmth when he went to hug you. He had this wonderful gift of being 100% there for someone else who needed him. However, he could hurt you just as bad, too. And the priest encouraged us survivors to live. I am still trying.
There were hundreds of people to walk with him on his last way on this earth. Too many young people. I mean, there should be mainly old people when a funeral takes place, right?
Alexander had always said the last few weeks how he was so alone. There were sooo many friends of his there to be with him one last time! He was not alone. One of them wrote us later, even though Alexander could not see it any more, he had many friends who were there for him and now miss him dearly. A few brought a tree the day of his funeral. The next day they came to pick it up again - they were going to plant it in their garden but wanted to show him the tree first. Now they can still have him with them in years to come when they party or have barbecue in that garden. How wonderful and yet so depressing to know that he had the friends, but could simply not see it anymore.
On Saturday we moved his stuff out of his place in the town where he studied. I was not there, I did not need to see the room. Alexander had only moved in there right after our wedding, so he barely lived there for two weeks. Ever since then it became real in a certain way that he is gone when I saw his stuff.
On Sunday night we went back to our home. The next few weeks now almost two months were tough. I got to know myself in ways that I did not need to know. Sometimes I get angry and upset without reason. Sometimes poor Luke is in my way then. I am so sorry for not being able to deal with my emotions at all times. We went to see my parents fairly often. While it was good to see them it was always really hard to be there, too. But what I miss most here is not being able to go to his grave. The first month I could barely even cry. I thought I had to cry a lot. But tears came, although not nearly as often as I thought they had to come. Just before the first four weeks had passed I started having really bad weeks where I could not do anything. I had to write a paper for school but was unable to even do the tasks I usually do to keep me from my desk. I have never before felt so completely helpless. I finally managed to hand in my paper last Tuesday after receiving some help from my professor, my aunt and my parents. I believe I would not have managed to finish in time without their help. Thanks for your help!
I had not been to a service since my wedding. Isn't that awful? And then it happened that since were so many the front church pew was not long enough. So there were two chairs next to the pew. They were standing in the middle aisle. Since Luke and me were the last ones of my family to enter the church we had to sit there on those chairs. I could not help but think of our wedding just two weeks ago where we were sitting in a similar position but my world was still alright and the best it could have been.
Many of Alexander's friends had called us and wanted to contribute to the service. When his school friends, also trained singers, started singing, it was as if Alexander were up there. One of them had the same pitch of the voice. I wanted him to stop singing so badly even though it was so nice and beautiful and moving.
Our priest gave a wonderful sermon letting people know of how torn Alexander was inside himself without leaving out to mention his great smile, wonderful bright eyes, his warmth when he went to hug you. He had this wonderful gift of being 100% there for someone else who needed him. However, he could hurt you just as bad, too. And the priest encouraged us survivors to live. I am still trying.
There were hundreds of people to walk with him on his last way on this earth. Too many young people. I mean, there should be mainly old people when a funeral takes place, right?
Alexander had always said the last few weeks how he was so alone. There were sooo many friends of his there to be with him one last time! He was not alone. One of them wrote us later, even though Alexander could not see it any more, he had many friends who were there for him and now miss him dearly. A few brought a tree the day of his funeral. The next day they came to pick it up again - they were going to plant it in their garden but wanted to show him the tree first. Now they can still have him with them in years to come when they party or have barbecue in that garden. How wonderful and yet so depressing to know that he had the friends, but could simply not see it anymore.
On Saturday we moved his stuff out of his place in the town where he studied. I was not there, I did not need to see the room. Alexander had only moved in there right after our wedding, so he barely lived there for two weeks. Ever since then it became real in a certain way that he is gone when I saw his stuff.
On Sunday night we went back to our home. The next few weeks now almost two months were tough. I got to know myself in ways that I did not need to know. Sometimes I get angry and upset without reason. Sometimes poor Luke is in my way then. I am so sorry for not being able to deal with my emotions at all times. We went to see my parents fairly often. While it was good to see them it was always really hard to be there, too. But what I miss most here is not being able to go to his grave. The first month I could barely even cry. I thought I had to cry a lot. But tears came, although not nearly as often as I thought they had to come. Just before the first four weeks had passed I started having really bad weeks where I could not do anything. I had to write a paper for school but was unable to even do the tasks I usually do to keep me from my desk. I have never before felt so completely helpless. I finally managed to hand in my paper last Tuesday after receiving some help from my professor, my aunt and my parents. I believe I would not have managed to finish in time without their help. Thanks for your help!
Friday, June 26, 2009
My story - After the news
As said before, my mum wanted us down as soon as possible. I did not know what I wanted so I just tried to do what she told me to do. Since we do not own a car it was a little bit complicated to get down leaving around 10pm on a Sunday night. Thankfully, we could still rent a car, had friends of ours to drive us to the rental agency and then went onto the highway. It was a horrible drive. In the beginning we were still full of adrenaline but that left after two or so hours. Then it started raining heavily, and Luke had to drive all the way because I had enjoyed too much wine previously. It was a horrible drive. Around 2.30 in the morning we finally arrived at my parents house. I could only hold my parents, my brother and cry. Although it was so late we sat down and they told me what had happened.
That night we did not sleep much. In the morning we got up and were the first ones after my mum who was on the phone when we came into the dining room. We did not want to disturb her, so we left the room. When she hung up I could hear her starting to sob heavily. Immediately I went in to hug her but our dog was faster. The dog had heard my mum, too, and just went to her chair and leaned on her legs looking at her as if she was trying to comfort her. I will never forget this scene, how she was so fast in feeling what my mum needed.
The day was tough. We had to go to the funeral home and arrange the funeral. It was decided to be held on Friday, May 8. I created the draft of the obituary, too. That was the first time I really noticed that my brother was gone. You know, when you are children you are always called in a certain way. Well, it was so often that I put the names of the six of us in the order of birth next to each other. So when it came to put down the names of us siblings I just started writing the names, including Alexander. Only after I had written his name did I notice I had to delete it again. His name was on the top of the obituary. I am crying while typing this. I can still not believe that I really, really lost my younger brother. How could this happen?
The next day, Tuesday, Luke, my youngest brother and me went to see the priest that married Luke and me. It was good to talk with him. One thing of our conversation is still helping me. In the hope that it might still help someone else, too, I will share it here. Our priest told us about a young child with a fatal disease. The parents came to the priest to have their child baptized. He asked them how they could still be so hopeful. They answered that another young child had told them how it happened to be that their child had to die: It is really simple. God cannot heal him down here on earth, he has to take him up into heaven to be able to heal him completely.
That night the coffin was brought to our house for the viewing. Alexander stayed with us for the night. I went to see him and talk to him in the hope to really see myself that my brother is really gone. I did not recognize him anymore. Only his hands were still his hands. It did not give me the relieve I had hoped it would give me.
Early the next morning they picked him up again. When I saw the car with him disappear around the corner, leaving our home for the last time, it was as if something broke inside me again. And yet there was my mum behind me crying, too. Thankfully my brother was there to hold her, I could not have managed to do it.
The days before Friday were busy arranging flowers, talking with the priest who was going to do the sermon for Alexander, sending out the obituary notices and just being there for one another. We felt that we all got so incredibly close to one another. Not that we had not been close before, but this was a new closeness. I was glad to have a husband beside me to help me get through those days. As the oldest sister I felt like having to hold my younger siblings, being there for my parents, too. So I was and still am so grateful to have someone to lean on.
That night we did not sleep much. In the morning we got up and were the first ones after my mum who was on the phone when we came into the dining room. We did not want to disturb her, so we left the room. When she hung up I could hear her starting to sob heavily. Immediately I went in to hug her but our dog was faster. The dog had heard my mum, too, and just went to her chair and leaned on her legs looking at her as if she was trying to comfort her. I will never forget this scene, how she was so fast in feeling what my mum needed.
The day was tough. We had to go to the funeral home and arrange the funeral. It was decided to be held on Friday, May 8. I created the draft of the obituary, too. That was the first time I really noticed that my brother was gone. You know, when you are children you are always called in a certain way. Well, it was so often that I put the names of the six of us in the order of birth next to each other. So when it came to put down the names of us siblings I just started writing the names, including Alexander. Only after I had written his name did I notice I had to delete it again. His name was on the top of the obituary. I am crying while typing this. I can still not believe that I really, really lost my younger brother. How could this happen?
The next day, Tuesday, Luke, my youngest brother and me went to see the priest that married Luke and me. It was good to talk with him. One thing of our conversation is still helping me. In the hope that it might still help someone else, too, I will share it here. Our priest told us about a young child with a fatal disease. The parents came to the priest to have their child baptized. He asked them how they could still be so hopeful. They answered that another young child had told them how it happened to be that their child had to die: It is really simple. God cannot heal him down here on earth, he has to take him up into heaven to be able to heal him completely.
That night the coffin was brought to our house for the viewing. Alexander stayed with us for the night. I went to see him and talk to him in the hope to really see myself that my brother is really gone. I did not recognize him anymore. Only his hands were still his hands. It did not give me the relieve I had hoped it would give me.
Early the next morning they picked him up again. When I saw the car with him disappear around the corner, leaving our home for the last time, it was as if something broke inside me again. And yet there was my mum behind me crying, too. Thankfully my brother was there to hold her, I could not have managed to do it.
The days before Friday were busy arranging flowers, talking with the priest who was going to do the sermon for Alexander, sending out the obituary notices and just being there for one another. We felt that we all got so incredibly close to one another. Not that we had not been close before, but this was a new closeness. I was glad to have a husband beside me to help me get through those days. As the oldest sister I felt like having to hold my younger siblings, being there for my parents, too. So I was and still am so grateful to have someone to lean on.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My story - 3 May 2009
It is difficult to write this part. Even after almost two months it is so hard.
On Sunday morning we had an extended breakfast, a relaxed day with still getting lots of things done like cleaning the apartment. For dinner I cooked a really nice meal, asparagus with new potatoes, a first timer for me. I had lots of wine with it, my husband fortunately a bit less. After dinner Luke went ahead and started making brownies to take with him to work the next day since they were planning to give him their gift for our wedding. While he made the dough I uploaded the pictures of our wedding so that our guest could finally look at them. We were still in so good spirits!
Around 9 pm the phone rang. It was my mum. I have never heard her say my name like she did and I hope I will never hear it like this again. I knew immediately something bad had happened. I even referred it to Alexander. She said something like "Alexander shot himself. You and Luke have to come home." I did not ask any questions. I just said OK and hung up. I was in shock. I don't remember what I did next, Luke told me. Apparently I just leaned against the wall, slid down and sat completely powerless on the ground. Finally I told Luke, Alexander shot himself. He asked me whether he was dead. Only then did I realize that I did not know for sure. All of a sudden there was this little bit of hope inside me, even though I knew the answer. I called my mum back and asked. After that, I knew for sure that my little brother had died.
On Sunday morning we had an extended breakfast, a relaxed day with still getting lots of things done like cleaning the apartment. For dinner I cooked a really nice meal, asparagus with new potatoes, a first timer for me. I had lots of wine with it, my husband fortunately a bit less. After dinner Luke went ahead and started making brownies to take with him to work the next day since they were planning to give him their gift for our wedding. While he made the dough I uploaded the pictures of our wedding so that our guest could finally look at them. We were still in so good spirits!
Around 9 pm the phone rang. It was my mum. I have never heard her say my name like she did and I hope I will never hear it like this again. I knew immediately something bad had happened. I even referred it to Alexander. She said something like "Alexander shot himself. You and Luke have to come home." I did not ask any questions. I just said OK and hung up. I was in shock. I don't remember what I did next, Luke told me. Apparently I just leaned against the wall, slid down and sat completely powerless on the ground. Finally I told Luke, Alexander shot himself. He asked me whether he was dead. Only then did I realize that I did not know for sure. All of a sudden there was this little bit of hope inside me, even though I knew the answer. I called my mum back and asked. After that, I knew for sure that my little brother had died.
My story - the week before
We still felt that amazing happiness surrounding us, I think it was one of the happiest two weeks in my life. The first week of our 'normal' life had passed. On April 30 my mum came to visit us and brought all the presents (we did not want to take them along on our honeymoon...). She stayed for one night. We were all worried about Alexander, more than we had been in a long time. During the week I had picked up a brochure about depression, I had talked to my aunt about how worried I was that he did not seem to enjoy the wedding celebrations. We could not see him on any, ANY picture of the party in the evening! It turned out later that he had spent most of the evening talking with one of our guests, a priest, and even went to sleep during the party, came back but left early. I talked with one of my other brothers and mentioned my worry. He planned to move to the same town as my other two brothers, including Alexander, and told me how he was worried about Alexander coming to him often to talk about his problems - Alexander was running in circles, we all knew what he would say, we would listen, we would say whatever we thought might help him, we did that many, many hours. I told my aunt that I felt that Alexander needed to do something now. It was in the air that he needed to decide and get help. I never imagined the other possibility of that decision although Alexander had mentioned suicide on several occasions to me. We had even debated the pros and cons about it together. One time I was on the verge of driving 250 miles one day to be there and help him find a therapist. Although I took it serious I did not know how to really help him. However, the week before I said to my mum that the next time he would mention anything like that I would call a helpline to have him taken into hospital. After referring to a therapist we were encouraged, however, to go and be with him immediately. Apparently, it would not help to have him hospitalized if he did not want to be treated or did not see himself as being sick. He would just feel like he could not trust me any longer. Instead, we were encouraged to go and be with him asap to help and be there. I even laid out a plan how to help him the week before!!
So my mum came to visit and was visibly nervous since Alexander was going to start with hunting season on the morning of May 1st. However, nothing happened, and he went hunting again that evening and the next day. My little cousin was with him on those trips to the forest. All of us relaxed a bit. It seemed that Alexander could handle weapons and was not harming himself. We were wrong.
So my mum came to visit and was visibly nervous since Alexander was going to start with hunting season on the morning of May 1st. However, nothing happened, and he went hunting again that evening and the next day. My little cousin was with him on those trips to the forest. All of us relaxed a bit. It seemed that Alexander could handle weapons and was not harming himself. We were wrong.
My story - the wedding
It is hard to think where to start, so I will start with my wedding. I think my story begins here, since my feelings were severely changed after May 3.
I had my absolute dream wedding on April 18, 2009. We celebrated for three days, beautiful weather, all dear friends and family with us, it was wonderful. On the evening before the wedding we had a big party during which my brothers and sisters performed a splendid play depicting my husband Luke and myself in 30 years with children and all. It was so funny! I laughed and had tears streaming down my face. What a wonderful gift! The service at church was also amazing: I had all my five brothers and sisters around me, and all of them were involved in the ceremony. My younger sisters were my bridesmaids, one of my brothers helped with the procession and said a special prayer, the other one was a groomsman and Alexander, who was a singer, sang with my aunt a piece by Bach and Amazing Grace. It was beautiful! With this all of them helped so much to make our wedding special.
After a big breakfast with our guests we drove back to my parents' house the morning after. In the evening we opened our presents with our immediate family. After that my husband's family had to go to the airport to fly home. My husband's cousin and her husband, however, stayed for a few more days to spend with us. Alexander kept the list with all the presents and generous givers. Those were the last few hours I spent with my brother. However, he was there, but he was also absent. It is hard to describe, but even though he was present, event talked with us about the exact name of the giver, his attitude was such that I quickly forgot that he was there. It was so often during his last few weeks that he was asleep for most of the day or that he was not really involved in whatever was going on that we almost did not expect him to be there. And yet he was and helped us along, in fact is still helping us (we are still writing thank-yous...). I do not remember whether he was there and ate dinner with us that evening. Both Luke and me were really exhausted from a week of few hours of sleep, so we went to bed early that night and slept in. The next day we were touring in the area of my parents place with our two remaining guests and had dinner again at my parents'. Again, I do not remember Alexander being there, although I am fairly sure that he was. We were all happy and still full of the amazing, glowing feeling that was still surrounding us after the wedding. I was living a dream, finally being married to the love of my life. Later, after dinner that night I remember going out in the hallway, where Alexander was headed towards his room. He looked sad. So I asked him whether everything was alright, and he answered "no". So I asked again: "So what is wrong?" His reply: "Simply everything". I hugged him, wanting to ask a bit more. Just that moment our mum came in the hall and through my hug I felt him stiffen up - he did not want her to be there that moment. After my mum had left again it was not the same atmosphere between us anymore, and I did not feel like working hard to restore this feeling since I had guests in the living room. You always have a brother, and even if he is not feeling well, I can listen to him later, right? And truth be told, I knew already his story of what was wrong. It was always the same story and I had heard and listened to it many times. So I headed for the living room while Alexander went to bed. It was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning we were in a rush to leave for our next stop on our 'honeymoon', my aunt's place. However, we still packed all our gifts (which took a while), so I am pretty sure we did not leave before noon, more like at 1pm. Alexander was still not awake and we were in a rush to finally leave and see at least something of the mountains that day. So I just told my other brother to say goodbye to Alexander, I did not go in his room again. I wish I had said at least a proper goodbye.
We continued with our honeymoon, said goodbye to our guests, had some time by ourselves and finally got back home.
I had my absolute dream wedding on April 18, 2009. We celebrated for three days, beautiful weather, all dear friends and family with us, it was wonderful. On the evening before the wedding we had a big party during which my brothers and sisters performed a splendid play depicting my husband Luke and myself in 30 years with children and all. It was so funny! I laughed and had tears streaming down my face. What a wonderful gift! The service at church was also amazing: I had all my five brothers and sisters around me, and all of them were involved in the ceremony. My younger sisters were my bridesmaids, one of my brothers helped with the procession and said a special prayer, the other one was a groomsman and Alexander, who was a singer, sang with my aunt a piece by Bach and Amazing Grace. It was beautiful! With this all of them helped so much to make our wedding special.
After a big breakfast with our guests we drove back to my parents' house the morning after. In the evening we opened our presents with our immediate family. After that my husband's family had to go to the airport to fly home. My husband's cousin and her husband, however, stayed for a few more days to spend with us. Alexander kept the list with all the presents and generous givers. Those were the last few hours I spent with my brother. However, he was there, but he was also absent. It is hard to describe, but even though he was present, event talked with us about the exact name of the giver, his attitude was such that I quickly forgot that he was there. It was so often during his last few weeks that he was asleep for most of the day or that he was not really involved in whatever was going on that we almost did not expect him to be there. And yet he was and helped us along, in fact is still helping us (we are still writing thank-yous...). I do not remember whether he was there and ate dinner with us that evening. Both Luke and me were really exhausted from a week of few hours of sleep, so we went to bed early that night and slept in. The next day we were touring in the area of my parents place with our two remaining guests and had dinner again at my parents'. Again, I do not remember Alexander being there, although I am fairly sure that he was. We were all happy and still full of the amazing, glowing feeling that was still surrounding us after the wedding. I was living a dream, finally being married to the love of my life. Later, after dinner that night I remember going out in the hallway, where Alexander was headed towards his room. He looked sad. So I asked him whether everything was alright, and he answered "no". So I asked again: "So what is wrong?" His reply: "Simply everything". I hugged him, wanting to ask a bit more. Just that moment our mum came in the hall and through my hug I felt him stiffen up - he did not want her to be there that moment. After my mum had left again it was not the same atmosphere between us anymore, and I did not feel like working hard to restore this feeling since I had guests in the living room. You always have a brother, and even if he is not feeling well, I can listen to him later, right? And truth be told, I knew already his story of what was wrong. It was always the same story and I had heard and listened to it many times. So I headed for the living room while Alexander went to bed. It was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning we were in a rush to leave for our next stop on our 'honeymoon', my aunt's place. However, we still packed all our gifts (which took a while), so I am pretty sure we did not leave before noon, more like at 1pm. Alexander was still not awake and we were in a rush to finally leave and see at least something of the mountains that day. So I just told my other brother to say goodbye to Alexander, I did not go in his room again. I wish I had said at least a proper goodbye.
We continued with our honeymoon, said goodbye to our guests, had some time by ourselves and finally got back home.
What this blog is about
This is meant to introduce myself and explain the reason for starting this blog. I lost my dear brother, Alexander, on May 3rd of this year to suicide. He was only 23 years old. Ever since then I am trying to find ways to deal with the grief that took hold of me after I learned of his decision to end his life.
I do not know how this will go, but I think for myself this blog could prove helpful in learning how to live with this incredible loss. Please forgive me if I feel that I need to end it sooner than I imagine right now - as I said, it is only an attempt of finding a way through this difficult time.
Another reason for starting this blog, however, is to share with you my feelings so that you might find a little bit of consolation if you are a survivor, too, that you are not alone with this grief. And if you found this site because you are thinking about ending your life I hope you will think again. It is unimaginable how the decision of one person can change so many lives profoundly.
I do not know how this will go, but I think for myself this blog could prove helpful in learning how to live with this incredible loss. Please forgive me if I feel that I need to end it sooner than I imagine right now - as I said, it is only an attempt of finding a way through this difficult time.
Another reason for starting this blog, however, is to share with you my feelings so that you might find a little bit of consolation if you are a survivor, too, that you are not alone with this grief. And if you found this site because you are thinking about ending your life I hope you will think again. It is unimaginable how the decision of one person can change so many lives profoundly.
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