We have guests right now. They are friends of Luke but not close at all. However, they will be with us when we will celebrate our wedding again with Luke’s family in September. I believe that they do not know what happened on May 3.
It is difficult for me to tell them. I feel so lost. We looked at wedding pictures and she asked me how many brothers I had. The answer goes easy, I have three brothers, but it is still painful. I have three brothers but one of them is gone to a far away place. I don’t know where he is. I feel like they should know but I still can’t just go up and tell them, by the way… And then again, maybe they do know. It is also possible that they simply don’t know what to say and so they just left it. But I hate this not knowing how to deal with them.
Today seems to be a hard day. In a way that is good since I felt so numb the last few days. I could not cry or even really think about Alexander. I just lived my life passively. I have gone through enough waves to know that I will feel the pain in all its enormity again soon. Just when exactly this will happen I do not know. It seems as if I can only tell in retrospective.
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