Six months

My dear Alexander,

it is a little over six months now that you are gone. A long, long time, it seems, and very hard to comprehend. The shock and helplessness still are prevalent for most of the time. I still have difficulties concentrating which is really hindering my work. I miss you every day, I think of you every day. When you were alive I did not talk to you so often, sure. But I always knew you were there and we could catch up some time later. I knew I could get your opinion on things that were on my mind if I wanted to. Now all of that is impossible.
Last night I saw you in my dream. It was a dream of a family holiday like the one we had in August, without you. Only this time you were there. But you were not enjoying yourself, you were just complaining about the activities we did, how boring and superficial everything was and how you wanted more. We tried to explain that what we were experiencing was amazing and wonderful. You did not see that and created an awful atmosphere for everyone with your complaints. This situation could have very well been happening in August had you been still alive. I do not fool myself that you would have healed from you depression so quickly. But even though you ruined the atmosphere that was so wonderful before you started complaining I did not want to wake up from my dream. It was too happy to see you again after such a long time. And alive! You could have complained forever if I could only see you alive.
I miss you my dear brother. You are missed so much by all of us.
At the same time all of us are trying to put their lives together piece by piece. Once I get into a better working mode I think I cannot complain. I am trying to cope as well as I can. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. Often still very, very hard. Especially with Christmas approaching. Oh, I miss you brother.
Yours, Carola