More thoughts

Honestly, I don’t know where this blog is leading me. I do realize that I am not posting very much lately. There is a reason for this though. I try to live. I simply try to live, occupy every single minute of my day in a halfway successful attempt to stop these reoccurring thoughts from appearing again and again. This keeps me from thinking my own thoughts. I still think of Alexander, of course. My sister visited me last week in this country and we went for a hike by the sea. It was not the best day for a hike, in fact, we returned in a heavy drenching rain only to realize we had to wait to be picked up for another three hours and there was no café or the like to be found in that remote place. Anyway, especially in moments like these, plus when there is a close relative of mine, we talk about Alexander, remember and miss him together. It is hard to do since our initial goal was to merely enjoy the beauty of nature - which is even or especially visible when overcast. However, I also do realize the gift I have. It is not self-evident to have a family that is able to talk about how Alexander’s death has affected us. I am lucky to have the possibility of sharing my thoughts and feelings whenever I feel the need to do so. On the other hand, it gives me comfort to be there for them whenever they need me. I am thankful for having a great family.
But I am rambling. As you notice, whenever I give myself the time to think, to remember, to feel the pain it comes pouring out. For most of the day, however, I press it inside. And it works for me. Right now. So I am unable to say where this is all leading me. But I guess this is the story of grief.