Ten Months

Dear Alexander,

another month. Winter slowly makes room for spring, the sun is brighter and everyone seems relieved that the snow seems to start melting. I am happy about that too, that’s true. But it also breaks my heart since it means that it is getting closer to May and you being gone for an entire year. It seems like so much has happened, so much did happen and is still happening that you cannot see. I miss you so much. We found a new apartment and should be very happy. Well, we are happy but somewhere inside me there is also this sad thought that we are leaving the apartment that you did see. We are moving on with our lives without you being part of it. This thought is painful and it is so even more when you notice it is actually happening. I wish I could show you where we are moving. I think you would like it.

The last few weeks were difficult for me with spring coming that is true. But I also noticed something else that sort of explains why I miss you so much. I noticed that we were in a way always couples among us siblings. Sophie and Dorothee of course as the youngest, Magnus and Walter in a way since they were the more quiet ones although that bond was looser than with the girls. Then there was you and me, the more stubborn, strong-minded and dominant ones – at least within the family. You were never shy to tell me your opinion, even though I often thought I could have done well without it. You were getting on my nerves so often when you questioned my authority as the oldest or tried to take my position. Even though we argued and discussed a lot we were a good team. We pulled each other back when needed or pushed together in one direction and were hard to stop in those moments. Alexander, I miss that so much. I lost you as my partner among us siblings. I don’t like the feeling of not being challenged at least not in the (admittedly often annoying) way you did it. I valued your opinion even when it was tough to take sometimes.

Do you miss us, too? Do you miss our discussions, too? Do you miss me? Are you alone or do you feel happy with whoever is around you? I wish you so much happiness, my dear brother. If this life here on earth was so difficult for you I hope that you have it easier now, easier than we have it here without you. You know, so often I can just be here and even be happy again although I try not to really see it in the moment since I would feel guilty then. I know the thought is stupid but I feel like I am betraying you and I did that once before when you really needed me. I cannot betray you again. And yet those happy moments sneak in unnoticed by me for a few seconds and when I realize it they were there already. But then there is the opposite, too. Like last night, I just could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, felt so incredibly sad deep within but could not let it out, had no way of crying. It was just bad enough to keep me awake, horrible. And those moments are there, too, and I miss you then so badly. I miss you and my previous life. I am so angry with you that you destroyed it. But most of all I miss you. I miss you so much and love you.

Your loving sister Carola