11 Months without Alexander

Dear Alexander,

for the first time since you left us I did not notice the monthly recurrence. I guess I was just simply too busy trying to fix up our new apartment a bit. How strange that I did not notice! I am very sorry about that. While I guess I did move on with my life into new realms I have not forgotten you, however. Actually, on the 3rd it came back very clearly to me how I felt that day last May. Mum called and told me about the daughter of friends who had committed suicide just a few days before then. She told me what had happened, the big question of why and how the family did ask our parents for help since they were “already over it”. Oh, what a misconception. It might seem so from the outside sometimes, I/we might not think of the 3rd as that most awful day in the month vividly every single month, but, Alexander, your death is still with us every single day. You are missed so very, very much every day, your death remains a big mystery to us with many questions left unanswered. You told us in your letter that life would go on. It certainly does but on a very different track than it would have. Sometimes I wonder whether a god of some sort foresees all of this or whether life is a mere combination of particles moving in different and unpredictable directions. Can we choose our own fate or is it all in the hands of a big power somewhere above us? Did you choose to die, I mean fully, rationally or was it in some way or other imposed on you? I would love to talk about this, about fate with you. You were always so into those philosophical discussions and while you nerve racked me way too often I also thoroughly enjoyed our discussions – I only hoped that I would have been better at articulating my thoughts. You were so much quicker there!
This month now brings me a lot of work and many new impressions in this new country. I guess in a way this is very good since it keeps my thoughts off the anniversaries that are about to come. I notice that in every free minute I have I try to occupy myself with something, I just try vigorously to keep my mind engaged. It works for most of the time. So, I guess I am getting on with my life. But I want you to know that I am still suffering, missing you, thinking of you every single day, and will love you forever.
Your big sis Carola