One and a half years

Dear Alexander,

This month it is one and a half years ago that you left us. I did not forget that day even though I only write to you right now. In fact, I have been thinking much more and more intensely about you the last few weeks than I have in a while. I wrote this letter so often in my head. But to be honest, I also evaded this. It makes it so real that you left. Of course, reality strikes me every time I see a picture of you on my computer screen, or think of you, talk about you with mum or grandma. And yet, writing to you makes it more real than ever. I cannot, still not, understand why you did this. That you really did this. That you really left us. It sucks being alone. Living without you. I miss you.
I noticed that over the last few weeks I have gotten a lot more used to thinking about my siblings without you. This does not mean that I start forgetting you, by no means. It just means that I do not anymore think about adding you to the address line in an email every time I write to all of my siblings. Frankly, this scares me and makes me sad, so incredibly sad.
One year and a half. What a long time. I would have never thought that I could do this and feel like I do today. I miss you, every day, I am sad every single day, I am angry at you for leaving us every day. And yet, I have found a way to live again as well. I learned and still learn to live with the whole you left and the wounds you cut in my soul. One and a half years later I recognize that despite all my fears those wounds are starting to heal. They will leave big scars, I am not fooling myself. These scars will hurt all my life, sometimes more, sometimes less. I wish there were no wounds, no scars but you in my life. I miss you so much. I miss hearing you laugh, I miss you love, I miss your smile, I miss our conversations, I even miss our fights.
Oh Alexander, I am still angry with you for leaving us. But by now, I think, if I am being really honest with myself, I am way more sad that you left us. I am so incredibly sad. Tears are streaming down my face while I am writing this. I know why I could not write you before – I can only bear it when I am ready for it. It hurts so much. It hurts so much to let the pain come straight to my heart all over again.
I hope you are doing better than me. I hope you are happy, laughing, at peace with yourself. It is my constant wish for you to have reached this happiness. I hope that there is some good, something positive in this enormous hole among all the pain and emptiness that you left.
I miss you. I love you, forever.
Your sister.