One year and one month

Dear Alexander,

Hard to believe. Sometimes I think of you and think it is not true. I miss you, still and every day.
I know, you want me to bring some order in my random thoughts that are just spilling out of me. Well, there is this one sentence in your suicide notes: Life will go on. Yes, it does go on. So much has happened since you left us. I can laugh again, I am working like crazy, I can concentrate again, we managed to get through another spring, there are new partners of our siblings in the family, others left, family gatherings took place, we are all still living. You were right, life does go on. But how? I don’t think you fully grasped just how much would change for all of us. How could you, I don’t even blame you that much for it anymore. You were in such a deep hole that it must have been impossible for you to see. This is the only way for me to understand that you chose the path you did. So while life goes on, it goes on without you. And you are (yes, ARE) an important part of this family. So while I am working without major concentration problems I still catch myself drifting off thinking of you and where you might be. And while I laugh I sometimes think how at one point I could not imagine ever being able to laugh again. When I look at the flowers blooming and plant my little garden I think whether you would also think that I am crazy about it like the other siblings do. I know you are different, and maybe you would understand why I had to get five tomato plants for the tiny space I have available. Heck, maybe I would not even have felt the desperate need to get an outdoors space like I did. Some force within myself was driving me to the outdoors ever since you left. Maybe I needed to see that life does indeed go on, new plants/life grows. And of course, every time we celebrate something as a family there is a gigantic hole in the middle where you would be, with your smile, your laughter, your teasing comments, your love. So all I can tell you today, one year, one month and two days since you left us, is that I miss you. You are being loved, will always be loved. And missed. And while we love and miss you all of us are trying to live our lives with you in our hearts.
I love you my dear, dear, wonderful brother.

Carola