Upcoming anniversary

Last year this time I was still exhilarated by all that had happened the last few weeks – so many people who had wished us well at the beginning of our life together as husband and wife. And yet I was worried about my brother Alexander at the same time. We had just received all the pictures from the photographer and I had quickly noticed that Alexander was not on too many of them. This seemed strange as the photographer had been told to try and capture especially the close family. He had managed to do this very well with the exception of Alexander. What I should later learn was the last time I ever spoke with my brother also left me a bit uneasy. He was obviously somehow in a depressed state of mind although I would at the time have hardly used the word depression. It left a big enough impression though that I went to my family’s health insurance and picked up a booklet about depression. There was a questionnaire to see how you are doing, I filled it out how I thought Alexander might feel and I got the result of him being likely bipolar, definitely heavily depressed. This worried me but I did not know how to help him, how to do anything for him. In fact, I hate to admit it, I wanted to call him this entire week – a year ago – because of a necklace that I thought I might have forgotten in his room at my parents’ house. I procrastinated on that call until it was too late. I simply was scared of hearing another round of complaints about what I had done wrong or only how bad he was feeling and how horrible the world was. This is very hard to admit right now that I did not do what I can now never undo. I was not there for him when he needed me.
With the anniversary coming up I have to face another question this year. I will be flying home to my husband for a short time so that I do not have to be alone on May 3. My family has decided to hold a small service in Alexander’s memory. Aunts, uncles, grandmothers and cousins will all be there, not to speak of my direct family. Me and Luke are the only ones who will likely miss it. It would add another eight hours to my already long trip over an extended weekend. Should I go nonetheless? Am I only doing what I want and disregard what might be good for the others? Do they need me there? I am seriously torn, yet again, a full year later.