Some random thoughts

I ended up not going to the funeral. Again, just like with another death in the family of friends international travel prevented it. This time we had family from overseas come see us and since Luke is on a business trip one of us had to welcome them. I am not sure whether to be relieved or not but I guess it is more the former. This has something to do with the weather today: it is a beautiful spring day with a warm sun shining – just like it was on May 8 last year. I cannot believe it is almost a year ago that all this happened. How terribly long! And how terribly short… To imagine a life without Alexander is so hard to do. Very often I still feel like I cannot really understand what has happened. Still I feel like in a bad dream and wish to wake up. There are moments when I can see things very clearly, too. I guess in a way I just don’t want this to be real and my life so I try unconsciously to prevent myself from seeing this reality clearly. Am I the only one doing that? Is this normal? Then again I learned that nothing is normal when you are going through this kind of grief. Still I wish that there would be some path that I could hold on to, that would tell me where this path will lead me in the future. I wish so badly for all of us, my entire family, to be really happy again. Like really happy. I think I will have to wait for that some more unfortunately.