23 months

Dear Alexander,

It has been a while again. It is just that I stay busy. However, this does not mean that I think any less about you. Oh my, sometimes I even wish I could just think more about what is going on day to day rather than dwell upon what could have been or would have been. But life is busy around here, so it is harder to take the time to write to you. I guess it is another sign that I am slowly moving on despite the fact that it is extremely hard. And now it is less than a month and you will have been gone for two full years. This upcoming anniversary feels very different to the one last year when I was alone abroad and all the pain came back so intensely again. This year, your anniversary is also marked with the expected arrival of your first niece or nephew, my first child. My due date is one day after your anniversary. I guess it is safe to say that that has me feeling a bit weird at times. How crazy is that! Obviously there are a lot of things one could interpret here but I am not going to go into that. I guess, it is simply meant to be that way and the little one will choose whenever he or she wants to meet us. However, this end of my pregnancy is also a happy occasion that I am looking forward to so your anniversary definitely lost some of its horrifying and scary attributes. I am loving the fact that I can see spring come and not only be sad about it. But I still wish so badly that you would be here to hold our baby, make your stupid jokes about whatever, laugh with us, argue with us and scare us when you would do (and I know you would have done) stupid, dangerous things with the little one. I am so sad that this little person will never get to meet his uncle. I know what he or she is missing but how will he?
Alexander, I still miss you every single day. Do you know all that you did to us? Do you know not just that but how gravely you endangered the marriage of our parents? Do you know just how much positive energy and happiness you took away from mom? Do you know how much we all miss you? Do you know that while you were right when you wrote ‘life will go on’ it is yet such a different life, one that none of us wanted or wants to live? I hope with all my heart and soul that you found peace but I also hope that wherever you are some part of you is trying to help us a little bit managing our lives without you. If you can hear me, make sure to give our parents some positive energy.
Alexander, I am really anxious when thinking about this next month. I wish I had you to talk about it on the phone or while you would come to visit. Now, I can just tell you here a little bit about how I am feeling. I am thinking about you a whole lot, missing you even more and loving you like crazy, little big brother.

Love forever,
Carola