Two years

Dear Alexander,

It is crazy. Had you asked me two years ago I would have said I cannot see this day coming, ever. You left us exactly two years ago, two full years! Two years! So much has happened since then, so much that you did not get to experience, share with us, live with us. And again I am spending this day without family around. Luke is working today and be with me only in the evening. I guess that is fine. Now I just have to find some way to pass this day without falling to pieces. It might work well too since I know I have to be somewhat responsible for this little being inside me. And yet, the last few days have been hard. The anticipation of the birth and the grief for you came together as one big hormonal bundle that is impossible to separate. All I know is that more than once I was an emotional wreck in the last few weeks. Did you ever think about the consequences when you were contemplating to leave us or did you only think about your own pain? I wish I would know. I know you thought about leaving often and for many months so I wonder whether you also considered the results of you leaving for all of us. Yet another question that will remain unanswered.
Today I am sad, mainly so incredibly sad that you are not with us anymore. I miss you so much, so much more than words can ever say. It was so nice to see you in a dream the other night. I don’t remember every detail, unfortunately, but I do remember hugging you and telling you how much I miss you. You replied that you miss me too. It was so comforting to hear that, you have no idea. I think it was the first time that I got some kind of answer from you, the first time where the situation in which I saw you was real life related and not just completely random and unrealistic. Thank you for having done that.
I hope that you are doing better and are so very happy wherever you are today. I hope you have found your peace, I wish you that with every ounce of my body. Yes, I am still angry that you left us – how could I not be? I miss you way to much to not be angry. But since you decided to do this two years ago and I have no ways of undoing your actions I hope you at least found what you were looking for, peace. I hope you are with a forgiving god and hold your own loving hand over all of us, especially on this day where our hearts are all aching from the pain of missing you.
I will love and miss you forever, until I see you again.

Your sister Carola

23 months

Dear Alexander,

It has been a while again. It is just that I stay busy. However, this does not mean that I think any less about you. Oh my, sometimes I even wish I could just think more about what is going on day to day rather than dwell upon what could have been or would have been. But life is busy around here, so it is harder to take the time to write to you. I guess it is another sign that I am slowly moving on despite the fact that it is extremely hard. And now it is less than a month and you will have been gone for two full years. This upcoming anniversary feels very different to the one last year when I was alone abroad and all the pain came back so intensely again. This year, your anniversary is also marked with the expected arrival of your first niece or nephew, my first child. My due date is one day after your anniversary. I guess it is safe to say that that has me feeling a bit weird at times. How crazy is that! Obviously there are a lot of things one could interpret here but I am not going to go into that. I guess, it is simply meant to be that way and the little one will choose whenever he or she wants to meet us. However, this end of my pregnancy is also a happy occasion that I am looking forward to so your anniversary definitely lost some of its horrifying and scary attributes. I am loving the fact that I can see spring come and not only be sad about it. But I still wish so badly that you would be here to hold our baby, make your stupid jokes about whatever, laugh with us, argue with us and scare us when you would do (and I know you would have done) stupid, dangerous things with the little one. I am so sad that this little person will never get to meet his uncle. I know what he or she is missing but how will he?
Alexander, I still miss you every single day. Do you know all that you did to us? Do you know not just that but how gravely you endangered the marriage of our parents? Do you know just how much positive energy and happiness you took away from mom? Do you know how much we all miss you? Do you know that while you were right when you wrote ‘life will go on’ it is yet such a different life, one that none of us wanted or wants to live? I hope with all my heart and soul that you found peace but I also hope that wherever you are some part of you is trying to help us a little bit managing our lives without you. If you can hear me, make sure to give our parents some positive energy.
Alexander, I am really anxious when thinking about this next month. I wish I had you to talk about it on the phone or while you would come to visit. Now, I can just tell you here a little bit about how I am feeling. I am thinking about you a whole lot, missing you even more and loving you like crazy, little big brother.

Love forever,
Carola

Birthday / 21 months

Dear Alexander,

It is hard to believe but you have been gone long enough now that you would be 25 years old now. Now your twin brother is 25 without you. He misses you. I miss you, too.
The last few days leading up to your birthday were hard. It is funny since I don’t acknowledge that to myself but realize it more afterwards when rethinking some of my reactions throughout the day. How much harder must it be for Walter! I just get angry at nothing and frustrated with myself as well as having the hardest time concentrating. All things I have gotten to know as parts of this journey towards learning how to live without you.
Your birthday itself was not too hard since we were alone in our city not celebrating with Walter. I am once more now on my way to get some work abroad done so I did not feel like travelling the day before that. So the two of us simply stayed home, drove around the city for some window-shopping while getting annoyed at each other for not giving the right kind of directions/going the wrong way. The evening was nice when we could watch a movie together except for the part where there was a suicide in it. I hate the fact that there are so many movies out there that are hard for me to watch!! I wish they would rate them accordingly or something, mention the fact that suicides will be in it. I know that that is a completely irrational wish but it would be nice to at least prepare for it. Where did you leave us, Alexander? Sometimes I feel as if I am thrown back to the time right after you left us struggling to even be on my feet and get up in the morning. I miss you so much, fighting the realization that you will truly not come back each and every day.
I wrote your brother a letter with lots of good wishes for his next, new year here on this earth. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could have written you a similar one. Instead, this one is more about me than it is about you. All I have left to wish for you is that you found the peace that you were looking for. I am hoping that that is the case so much every day while I struggle to live here without you. I struggle every moment I am on this earth missing you.
I love you and wish I could hug you once again.

Yours, Carola

20 months without you

Dear Alexander,

I am sorry for having missed writing to you last month. It has been a crazy one. I was so busy with work, finishing up abroad, visiting friends and preparing for another month away from home. This time it is not for work though, we were just spending the holidays with family again as we did last year. In the midst of all this I also tried to prepare for the upcoming Christmas season buying/making gifts and baking cookies. However, all those things keeping me busy did not keep me from thinking about you. To the contrary, you have been on my thoughts a lot. It was strange to prepare for this holiday season realizing that this was already the second Christmas without you. So hard to believe! It is still so unfathomable that you will never come back to celebrate that day with us.
Although I thought about you a lot my thoughts were not always full of grief. Often I wondered why this holiday season did go so much better than the last. Obviously it was the first year without you last year but it still did not explain why I felt so much less grief stricken this time around. Have I really learned so much about dealing with my grief this past year? It certainly does not feel like it on a day to day basis but maybe I simply forgot how awful it was just one year ago. All those questions were answered in a rather shocking way on Christmas Eve. I know now that I still have a hard time with you being gone. I know that I still don’t know how to properly deal with all my grief for you. I know that it still hits me in the face when I least expect it. I also know that I learned how to keep my feelings inside me, even hidden from myself, when something inside me knows that I cannot deal with the enormity of my grief at a certain point in time. That is what happened in the pre-Christmas season. My feelings were hidden from myself, only to completely blow me over on Christmas Eve.
So all of this is to tell you, my dear brother: I still miss you like crazy. Your death is still so unbelievable, so unfathomable. I am still not at a point where I really know my grief or at least how to deal with it, although I am getting better at developing survival strategies. So, I still have more or less the same questions I had a year ago. Why, oh why did you have to leave me, our family, this world? Was it really all that bad? Did you not feel how much you are loved? What could I have done to help you?
I truly hope that you are feeling better. I know I have said this before, too. But I don’t get an answer from you, and it is just so important for me that there is at least some good out of the bad. So I am hoping with all my heart and soul that you are alright now wherever you are.

I love you and I miss you.

Forever, your sister Carola

Another crisis

I know. I missed writing Alexander on the 3rd. However, there is a reason for it. I just could not take it. I started living again, as I have said before. I felt I need to focus on my life right now to be able to start living. Well, it somewhat worked, again.
Now over the last few days I really miss him again. I so miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter, his love! And then there is sooo much anger coming up now, too. Our parents are facing one of the – as far as I can tell – most serious crises in their marriage. While it is not ONLY connected to Alexander’s death it most certainly has a big part in it. Both are trying hard in comprehending their son’s death and doing it very, very differently. Without getting into too much detail, I worry about them. I have faith and pray that they will make it through but it is not fun, not for me or anyone else involved. Thank goodness I can talk about it with my dear brother, Walter. My sisters and Magnus do not know about anything going on which is good. The less they have to worry about those things the better. I guess that is my big sister instinct speaking here;) But really, they have a hard enough time as is. How can they cope when we are all struggling? I know that they can take more than I think they can but I also don’t want them to worry without any reason. And I hope and pray that there is no reason for them to fully know what is going on right around now. The good side, at least they are talking to each other again. Not that they were never talking but now they are talking about expectations and feelings again. Let’s hope they keep that going…
Oh Alexander, why did you do this? To us? I miss you, every day, every hour and soo wish I could tell you how much you are loved and missed, by so many. I love you and miss you and hope that at least you are feeling better wherever you are. There has to be some good in this.

14 months

Dear Alexander,

another month without you has come and gone. This time around I spent the third celebrating the wedding of my friend whom you also knew. Do you know she has a son of six months now? Another friend is married, too. Magnus found a girlfriend and split up with her again since you are gone. Our sister dates a guy I am not incredibly fond of but who knew you too. I think this is important for her. Our cousin is turning 16 this week and will finally get a hunting permit. Can you see how excited he is about that despite all that you made us associate with hunting? I received my first photo album of our wedding today. It is hard for me to believe that I have not had a single album so far. So many things happened without you, and yet you still influence so many things still. I am trying to let you go, give you the peace you need. Do you need it? I don’t have it. You left me with so many problems I did not have before. I am still really angry with you for that, I hope you can see that, too. Just don’t believe that life just goes on as if you had not been among us. You have been, you are in your own way and I truly hope that you always will be. I hope I will still be able to let you go. But I will never forget you nor will my life be as it was before. There are still so many awkward situations we encounter. A colleague asked me whether I had twin sisters. I would always have answered yes, and twin brothers. While this is still true, of course, there is also a certain something inside me that makes me hesitate. Since this took place in an email conversation I just ignored the question. But what do I do when I am asked a question like that in person? People who did not know you think about you! Walter tells me that he gets quite a few questions along the lines of ‘You have a twin brother? How awesome! What’s he doing?’ How is he supposed to answer to that? ‘Well, not all so awesome…’? Why did you do this to us? Am I selfish for asking this question? I guess my grief is changing again, I do see that this question might be selfish. You still hold so much power over me and all of us. We just miss you so much, think what your opinion on certain things would have been, wonder what you would say, think. Is there ever going to be a day when I can simply live my life again without being sad? Being sad and missing you? Do I even want that?
Of course, I am not depressed. I laugh, I party, I work, I enjoy nature or other small things. I am happy to be alive – most of the time. But I miss you. I miss you terribly. I never would have thought I would miss you soooo much. You are a brother that is gone! And my oldest brother, my partner in so many arguments, discussions that I cannot have anymore. I miss your opinions. I miss you telling me what I should do differently, disagreeing with me. Oh, how annoying you could be. I would be so incredibly mad at you. And still love you. And we would always forgive each other, in fact I believe now that our arguments made our relationship stronger. And our personalities needed them. Now I cannot have these any more and I miss it. It is as if something very important, an essential part of me has been ripped out. Strange that you would miss arguments all that much, right? I would never have believed it either. And yet, I miss them. And your point of view of things. Of course, I miss you most. I miss the way you looked. You were so handsome! I miss the way you smelled. I miss the way you smile, seeing your grin, hearing you laugh. And hearing you sing. Your voice was so beautiful. Do the angels now hear you sing sometimes? There is this song by Vince Vaughn (Go rest high on that mountain) and I am pretty sure you would not have liked it but there is this line that I completely agree with: ‘I wish I could see the angels’ faces, when they hear your sweet voice sing’.
Dear Alexander, this was a long letter again. I hope you find a way of hearing my words. I hope you can see, feel how much I miss you. There is this hole inside me that you left. You were are important to me, so important. You are my brother, my dear, dear brother whom I miss terribly, every day. And my dear, dear brother whom I love so much, forever.
May god hold you in the palm of his hand and give you the peace you were longing for.
Forever,
Carola

Weddings or unexpected (and unwanted) memories

As I have said some time before, I thought that I was more or less able to control my grief. Well, it is also still unpredictable in many ways. On the one side memories or certain occasions will trigger an outburst of grief, which can take various forms, on the other side I notice now how my body is physically affected. Pretty amazing how my body reacted in a way I would have least predicted and thereby took some of my attention back. With my denial, which seemed so important when I was doing research, I only caused my grief to go elsewhere. I hope these problems will subside now that I am back home where I hopefully will have some more time for myself. Funny, how the body takes its toll.
On the other side are memories. We went to the wedding of a dear friend last weekend. When her siblings performed a small piece in their honor I could barely stand it. I actually had to leave the room to catch some breath. While I was watching them standing on the stage the picture merged with my siblings performing for us. ALL of my siblings. And then grief just hits ground. It will never, NEVER be like this again. I will never get to perform with him for one of my other siblings when they get married. I will never again hear him sing. Or speak. Or laugh, or just see him.
Maybe this wedding that took place literally a day after I got back home was meant as something to point me towards giving myself more time, more than I thought I needed at this point. Some say that the second year is the hardest. I thought that I could control it now, that I managed to find a way to deal with the grief. And yet again I am realizing that there is no such thing as a clear road through this enormous grief. Why did you do this to me, to us, Alexander?

More thoughts

Honestly, I don’t know where this blog is leading me. I do realize that I am not posting very much lately. There is a reason for this though. I try to live. I simply try to live, occupy every single minute of my day in a halfway successful attempt to stop these reoccurring thoughts from appearing again and again. This keeps me from thinking my own thoughts. I still think of Alexander, of course. My sister visited me last week in this country and we went for a hike by the sea. It was not the best day for a hike, in fact, we returned in a heavy drenching rain only to realize we had to wait to be picked up for another three hours and there was no café or the like to be found in that remote place. Anyway, especially in moments like these, plus when there is a close relative of mine, we talk about Alexander, remember and miss him together. It is hard to do since our initial goal was to merely enjoy the beauty of nature - which is even or especially visible when overcast. However, I also do realize the gift I have. It is not self-evident to have a family that is able to talk about how Alexander’s death has affected us. I am lucky to have the possibility of sharing my thoughts and feelings whenever I feel the need to do so. On the other hand, it gives me comfort to be there for them whenever they need me. I am thankful for having a great family.
But I am rambling. As you notice, whenever I give myself the time to think, to remember, to feel the pain it comes pouring out. For most of the day, however, I press it inside. And it works for me. Right now. So I am unable to say where this is all leading me. But I guess this is the story of grief.

More thoughts

Writing this blog entry earlier this evening has somehow pulled me out of my little bubble of thinking that this upcoming anniversary does not get to me. It does. I can hardly stop thinking about what has happened a year ago, this entire past year and earlier. So many ifs and whens all over the place again. I wish I had done this or that, listened more carefully, read a bit more, been there more for him. How could he not see a way out? There are so many wonderful things happening in this world, especially in this wonderful, powerful, life-affirming season of spring. And yet it has this very sad ring to it permanently attached for me. How could he not have seen all the flowers starting to bloom? He actually told our grandma a week (!!) before he died when she pointed out how wonderful the world looked that he could not see any of it. How can you miss that? How could we miss those so heart-wrenchingly obvious signs of deep depression? Why did I not gain more strength so that could have helped him more? Why did I concentrate more on my own life than his when he was so deeply struggling to fight death? How can I ever forgive myself not paying more attention, not helping more, not being there more for him? All the while I still see his own shortcomings too, he could have sought more help from professionals, fought more, not given in. Then again, am I simply trying to shift the blame away from me onto him so that my own guilt might not overwhelm me?

Some random thoughts

I ended up not going to the funeral. Again, just like with another death in the family of friends international travel prevented it. This time we had family from overseas come see us and since Luke is on a business trip one of us had to welcome them. I am not sure whether to be relieved or not but I guess it is more the former. This has something to do with the weather today: it is a beautiful spring day with a warm sun shining – just like it was on May 8 last year. I cannot believe it is almost a year ago that all this happened. How terribly long! And how terribly short… To imagine a life without Alexander is so hard to do. Very often I still feel like I cannot really understand what has happened. Still I feel like in a bad dream and wish to wake up. There are moments when I can see things very clearly, too. I guess in a way I just don’t want this to be real and my life so I try unconsciously to prevent myself from seeing this reality clearly. Am I the only one doing that? Is this normal? Then again I learned that nothing is normal when you are going through this kind of grief. Still I wish that there would be some path that I could hold on to, that would tell me where this path will lead me in the future. I wish so badly for all of us, my entire family, to be really happy again. Like really happy. I think I will have to wait for that some more unfortunately.

Problems again

It feels as if something or someone does not want us i.e. my family to calm down. Last week Magnus’s friend mentioned his serious suicidal thoughts in front of him. The discussion ended with the friend being transported to a psychiatric clinic by the police on my brother’s call. My parents had to come see him in his apartment to calm him down again. I was worried about my little brother having that much responsibility but also so proud of him for having done that. How could we, any of us, ever live without doing something again? Anyone mentioning such thoughts to us must be aware of that.
Last weekend we went skiing, which was good to just get me to think about something else. The worry over my brother and a general incredible sadness had taken hold of me for most of the last week. Being out in the mountains with some friends helped to get a free head again. I felt ready for another week when my dad called me Monday around noon to tell me that one of Magnus’s friends had called him (my dad) to warn him that Magnus was in what looked like a heavy depression-wave. Apparently he spent days in bed crying, skipping school, and not getting anything done. It turned out that those things happened but quite a while back and he seems to be doing relatively fine. However, it scared me deeply. I am about to go abroad again, starting in April for a research project, and I worry so much about my little brother. It seems to be a repetition of the time I went to the same country a few years ago when he had some serious problems, too. Back then I did not see quite how serious they were. What, if I am underestimating them yet again? These thoughts seem to haunt me. How can I be sure nothing will happen this time? Somewhere deep down I do trust Magnus that he will be fine but then again I have been wrong before. I would have, no I have sworn that Alexander would be fine yet he did the most awful thing he could have done and took his life. Oh, if I would only know better what to do this time and would know that what I am doing if fine.
Last night I got the text message of an old high school friend of mine whom we were planning to meet over the weekend saying that her dad had just died. Her dad! Another shock, he was a really kind guy whom I had met on several occasions when we were over at her house during school time. What would I do if my dad died now? I am praying that nothing like that will happen to us in the near future. I don’t think we could take it.
Now I will have to attend the first funeral since Alexander’s next week. I am shivering when I think of it. Hopefully it will not remind me of my dear brother's funeral too much.
I am praying this is the last bit of bad news before I have to go. I am scared to be all alone over there for a couple of months and it certainly does not help to know that my family is not doing completely fine. I just love them all so much that I cannot stop myself thinking and worrying about them even though I know that I have to give myself time to grief, time to heal and time to work on my own projects. Easier said than done.

Ten Months

Dear Alexander,

another month. Winter slowly makes room for spring, the sun is brighter and everyone seems relieved that the snow seems to start melting. I am happy about that too, that’s true. But it also breaks my heart since it means that it is getting closer to May and you being gone for an entire year. It seems like so much has happened, so much did happen and is still happening that you cannot see. I miss you so much. We found a new apartment and should be very happy. Well, we are happy but somewhere inside me there is also this sad thought that we are leaving the apartment that you did see. We are moving on with our lives without you being part of it. This thought is painful and it is so even more when you notice it is actually happening. I wish I could show you where we are moving. I think you would like it.

The last few weeks were difficult for me with spring coming that is true. But I also noticed something else that sort of explains why I miss you so much. I noticed that we were in a way always couples among us siblings. Sophie and Dorothee of course as the youngest, Magnus and Walter in a way since they were the more quiet ones although that bond was looser than with the girls. Then there was you and me, the more stubborn, strong-minded and dominant ones – at least within the family. You were never shy to tell me your opinion, even though I often thought I could have done well without it. You were getting on my nerves so often when you questioned my authority as the oldest or tried to take my position. Even though we argued and discussed a lot we were a good team. We pulled each other back when needed or pushed together in one direction and were hard to stop in those moments. Alexander, I miss that so much. I lost you as my partner among us siblings. I don’t like the feeling of not being challenged at least not in the (admittedly often annoying) way you did it. I valued your opinion even when it was tough to take sometimes.

Do you miss us, too? Do you miss our discussions, too? Do you miss me? Are you alone or do you feel happy with whoever is around you? I wish you so much happiness, my dear brother. If this life here on earth was so difficult for you I hope that you have it easier now, easier than we have it here without you. You know, so often I can just be here and even be happy again although I try not to really see it in the moment since I would feel guilty then. I know the thought is stupid but I feel like I am betraying you and I did that once before when you really needed me. I cannot betray you again. And yet those happy moments sneak in unnoticed by me for a few seconds and when I realize it they were there already. But then there is the opposite, too. Like last night, I just could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, felt so incredibly sad deep within but could not let it out, had no way of crying. It was just bad enough to keep me awake, horrible. And those moments are there, too, and I miss you then so badly. I miss you and my previous life. I am so angry with you that you destroyed it. But most of all I miss you. I miss you so much and love you.

Your loving sister Carola

Mood Swings

I am still reading all I can find about suicide survivors, their stories and professional help books. In one of them I found the following of which I think helps my husband to deal with me a little easier:

“A persistent component of the process of recovery seems to be the mood swings which persist through the weeks and months of mourning like an endless ride on a rollercoaster. One soars to a euphoric peak on a Sunday and then, within the week, dives into a hellish abyss. […]” (Iris Bolton: My Son… My Son… A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide)

This seems to be a very precise description of how I feel so often. Just wanted to share that, maybe it helps someone else to realize that they are not crazy all of a sudden, either.

Eight months without you

Dear Alexander,

it has been eight months since you chose to leave us. I am still having a very hard time trying to understand your decision. I miss you every day, think of you every day and wish I could do something to have you back. I play the scenes of us talking about your problem over and over, trying to see where I went wrong, where I should have done something different to prevent your decision. And then I try to understand that after all it was still your decision. But oh, it is so difficult. I try to accept that you saw no future for yourself but it is so hard to believe. Sometimes I even don’t see how I can get over this pain myself. Do you see how much we are struggling? Do you have bad days in heaven because you worry about us who are struggling with your decision?
Last month was the first holiday season without you. Especially the time right before was difficult, all of us were so caught up in our own feelings and fears. It turned out that we can still work pretty well together and we had a relatively peaceful Christmas, if one can say that. But we missed you. I miss your smile, your laugh, you teasing me, the way you would hug me and smile at me. Oh Alexander, I cannot imagine never seeing all this again. Why, oh why? How could you not see a light at the end of the tunnel? You could have made it, if anyone, then you. It is so hard, so impossible for me to understand that you had no way of seeing beyond your pain anymore. You did not seem to be so much under pain. It is so hard to believe that you just did an amazing job of covering up how bad you really felt inside. I know that you tried to tell us but we did not listen well enough. I am sorry that I was unable to read the signs, that I was not educated enough to help you. I wish I could turn back time.
My dear brother, it is so strange without you, so much has changed these past eight months. Can you see how much father has changed? I believe that he turned into a person you would have loved to have as a father. Do you see how much mother suffers? Do you feel guilty for that? Do you see how she does not have time for our little sisters, time that she would have had otherwise? Do you see how they are both struggling with school and their immense grief for you? Do you try to help them? I feel like I need to help them all and it is overwhelming. I am so tired of doing it all in addition to my work which is enough anyway. And yet I can’t stop because I am so scared, so incredibly scared that I miss the signs of someone else suffering, someone else needing my help and I am not there in the right moment. But I am so tired, so exhausted. I miss you so much. I always knew you were still there to help our sisters with whatever problems they had when I did not find the time or was busy or whatever. Now there are still the two other brothers but it is not the same. I wish you would answer me some time and give some answers to my many questions. But even more than that I want to see you happy again, laughing, joking and with all that love in your eyes. There are no words to describe how much I miss you.
I love you, little big brother.
Forever, Carola

New Years Eve

This year is coming to a close and it is so strange. At some points I thought I would never get through this year. It has changed me more profoundly than I would have ever imagined a single year could change me.
My aunt called me today and we chatted for a while. She then went on to wish me a good new year and I agreed, saying that I hoped the new year would be a much better one than the last. She answered that the last one was not all bad and that we learned so much about us and other people than we would have ever imagined possible. I agree but I still think that the last year was not a good one. There were good moments, for sure. But a good year? Never, not the last one. It made me angry that she could not see my point but felt like she had to lecture me to see the good sides in Alexander’s death. I don’t think that I am someone who does not see that something did come out of his death, there is some kind of legacy that he passed on. That is true. But knowing this does not make the last year a good one. I am disappointed that she could not simply join me in grief. At least we connected in the hope for a better new year.
I really hope that this next year will be better. I wish I could say it could not be worse but this last year also taught me that it always can be. Life cannot be planned. So I am hoping and praying.

First Christmas without Alexander

I was very anxious about Christmas, as was everyone in my family. I have rarely felt that much tension among us and yet not directed against anyone. And then it still turned out to be halfway nice if I can say that.
Luke and I came to my parent’s house on Christmas eve. We had planned to attend church that afternoon at 4.30 pm, so there was a little chatting before we had to get changed and ready for the service. My sister Sophie was sick so she stayed home for the service. All of us were waiting in the hallway for Dorothée to get ready. Finally I went upstairs to find her in tears saying that she did not want to come along. She had had a fight with Sophie again and was scared of everyone at church seeing that she had cried. Thankfully I could convince her to come along but it was so awful to feel this tension between all of us! This little problem made us late for church; we entered just on time into a completely packed church, only standing room left. It was a nice service, the priest mentioned the grieving and sad people around this supposedly joyful time, too, which really helped all of us, especially my mum. We sang a lot during the service, something we had always done at home. When Silent Night was sung it gave me a weird feeling since I never really liked that song but Alexander really loved it. After the service we picked Sophie up and went to the cemetery. It was dark but there were so many candles light on the graves in the snow that it had a very peaceful atmosphere around it. Some people had put up little Christmas trees on their graves and on almost every single on of them were candles lit. My mum had a branch of our Christmas tree cut of with a few ornaments on and a candle that we put on Alexander’s and my grandpa’s grave. It was the first time that all of us were together at the grave again since the funeral. There were very sad moments but it was also very comforting to have the support of the family. We are really trying hard to be there for each other. After a prayer we headed home again, hoping, that we could leave some of the anxiety and tension at the gravesite.
I had been talking with my therapist that it might be helpful for me and my family if I took some of the cooking over around the holidays. My mum usually does the cooking but does not enjoy it all too much. I love to cook but not at home where I don’t feel like I can control the process. Now the plan was that I just preplanned everything and then both my mum and me would be more relaxed knowing that the cooking would be taken care of. It really worked, and on Christmas eve me and my siblings all worked together to get some sauces fixed for the fondue meal we had planned. It turned out to be a nice, peaceful and, as Sophie or Dorothée put it, very grown up meal. First we went into the living room where they had the Christmas tree and heard the Christmas story read by my dad, sung a song and then went over to have the meal. After eating for a couple of hours we thought it would be nice to open some presents, which we did in a relaxed way. Instead of two people opening all their gifts at the same time we took turns after one gift this time. Everything was a bit different but it still felt alright since there was no pressure to do something the ‘right’ way. Around midnight we then settled with a glass of wine around the table, reliving the night and relaxing some more. I think all of us found this Christmas to be in the end almost more peaceful and harmonic than the previous one (Alexander had caused a very tense atmosphere then).
Even though this was a bit longer I felt like I needed to share this, also to remind me of it in the future.

Only a few more days till christmas

Almost Christmas. This December was different for me. Normally, I plan at least some of my gifts fairly early but still have most not ready in the beginning of December. This year I was in denial that Christmas was anywhere near since the stores brought up their Christmas decoration, so since September. Then in December I had a hard time denying it any further. So I somehow thought now it is just around the corner. Beginning or end of December, it was all the same. And so I rushed through my list of presents to buy, hurried to have enough Christmas treats and had too much alcohol in general (I think it was a doomed to fail attempt to forget that it was really the season…). Anyway, now it is here. I am almost completely done with my presents, the two persons I have left (my dad and an aunt) will get done today, latest tomorrow. The last few days before Christmas eve I will be baking cookies, a tradition that I did not want to continue this year but then I could not pass this once a year opportunity to smother everyone, whether they want it or not, in my cookies. And as written previously cooking or even more so baking calms me down, is almost a yoga-type state for me. This especially sets in when I do the decorations of the single cookies. They have to be perfect and it just absorbs me so much that I forget the world around me completely.
So, what does this all have to do with Alexander? Not much, I guess. Just this feeling of uneasiness around Christmas is new. I loved the season, I loved our traditions or even experiencing something new with Luke’s family when we were over there. But now I look forward to being with the family but dread it at the same time. So many things will be different this year, in a way more the way that Alexander always wanted them to be. Normally there is much focus Christmas eve on the feeling of being together and the presents. Coming from such a big family I guess it sort of just happens that the presents get that focus since it simply takes time until all of them are unwrapped. Alexander always wanted us to remember the true reason for celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. I never really noticed this focus on presents until this years so I had a hard time understanding what he meant. I simply loved my childhood Christmases. Now this year we are planning to have a long dinner (fondue) and then will only unwrap one present each, the rest will be opened Christmas day.
Why am I so uneasy with this thought? Why am I having the same concentration problems I got so used to but thought was halfway done with? Why am I not looking forward to being with my family? I think it is something that we will especially notice how much he is missing. And it will be a tiny bit more real than it was before. I dread these moments of realizing the magnitude of Alexander’s decision. I am scared of arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings among us. We will still be eight people together, all of us mourning for the same person and yet all of us individually. Misunderstandings are so very likely. I feel responsible for making sure that this will not happen and get scared since I am not confident in my ability to stop every single argument. I hope Alexander will somehow be with us and help all of us to get through those tough days without being angry at each other.

Disappointments

Why does it hurt so much? Every day again? Why, oh why?
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!

An important message

I have been in an online support group for siblings for a while now. Through the group I received this message from Father Rubey who runs a LOSS program in Chicago. I wanted to share it with you since I think it has some important thoughts in it that help me through this holiday season. It was sent on Thanksgiving but obviously is true much longer.


November 2009

I recently made a trip to Ireland to visit family. While I was there a very tragic event made the news. It was about the tragic deaths of two young men. Both were twenty-two years of age. One of them suffered from mental illness and went off his medications. He was stalking his ex-girlfriend who was dating the other young man. The young man who suffered from mental illness stabbed the other young man and killed him. The one suffering from mental illness then stabbed himself to death. He injured the young woman during the fracas. The mother of the young man who was stabbed to death gave a eulogy at her son’s funeral. She said some very powerful things that resonated with me. She said “And now I ask what is my God of small things saying to me about this incomprehensible act which took place in our home last Sunday morning. This tragic event caused mayhem in all of our lives and robbed us of a son and a brother. We live in a world of contrasts – big, small, hard, soft, good, bad, dark and light. One cannot paint a picture without at least two shades. It is the dark which gives definition to the light. Darkness is just the lack of light. On that Sunday morning my God of small things said to me that one boy represented the light and the other boy represented the darkness through no fault of his own. Both played out their parts in the unfolding of God’s plan. As a result of this our family is faced with a choice. We can continue to live in darkness seeing only fear, anger,bitterness, resentment, blaming, blaming, blaming or are we ready to transmute this negativity? We can rise to the challenge with unconditional love knowing that we were born to this earth to grow. Our hearts are broken but maybe our hearts needed to be broken so that we could expand and grow.”

I thought of our LOSS family as I read this news account. Survivors’ hearts are broken as they mourn the tragic loss of a loved one from suicide. Survivors are met with a very big challenge as they grieve the loss of a loved from suicide. Survivors need to feel the tremendous pain resulting from the death of a loved from suicide. This is all part of the grief journey and it is very painful. But as this woman said, maybe hearts need to be broken in order to grow. Grow into what? That is the challenge of any survivor. Now that this tragedy has become part of the life of a survivor what is the survivor going to do with it? There can be a life of negativity and darkness or there can be a life of light and positive thinking. This takes time to develop into something positive but the question that each survivor must ask themselves is: What am I going to do with this tragic event? Hopefully, survivors are going to allow themselves to be transformed into positive thinking individuals who see rays of hope and growth in the tragic events of life.

We hear a lot about evolution these days. Our world is evolving constantly in different directions. We are also evolving and are part of an ongoing creative part of our world. We co-create with a higher power that some of us call God. We become participants in the process of life and we assist in developing the world around us. All around us we see growth and so must we grow from all of our life’s experiences –both the good and the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Our world is not fixed. It is constantly changing and evolving. The challenge for all of us is to see events in our lives not as obstacles or barriers but as opportunities for human growth and evolution into richer and more caring human beings. That is not always an easy task. It is very demanding and sometimes it is a very painful experience. Survivors can bemoan the fact that pain has entered their lives. There is no rhyme or reason why the suicide of a loved one enters someone’s life. Survivors try to figure out why this happened to them. That is a very normal question to ask. It has happened and now what will a survivor do with this awful experience? That is the crucial question and one that survivors need to ask themselves. Will this experience be the cause of destruction or will it be the cause of human growth and evolution into a more positive and caring person and one who will see this experience as an opportunity to become a better person. That is the challenge.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, hopefully we can experience things to be thankful for. Survivors will always miss that loved one who found life too painful but there are other people who are a part of the lives of survivors. They are gifts to a broken heart. They are rays of hope to the crestfallen. They are reasons to be thankful on this day and this time of the year. Survivors can concentrate on what is missing or they can concentrate on what is present. The evolving person can be richer and more appreciative of  what one has in life. The evolving person has survived a great challenge, That is reason to be thankful.

Survivors long for the life that they had before the suicide. They want to hark back to what once was and never will be again. The challenge is to embrace the evolving person and to embrace the situations in life that can be the cause of a new and enriched person. Life is a continuing process of evolution and survivors can either get lost in the process or be a part of this evolution. My prayer is that you are part of the latter.

As I gather on Thanksgiving Day I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers for you because I am very grateful to be a part of this family. I am enriched and better because I have journeyed this path with many of you. Thanks for allowing me this unique opportunity. I encourage you to remember each other in thought and prayer –especially on thanksgiving Day and especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin' On.
Father Rubey

Some Childhood Memories

Sometimes, when I am doing something entirely different it still comes back. All of a sudden I have to think about Alexander, it comes just like a wave that hits me once I am off guard. What a strange thing is death. What comes afterwards? Are we transcending into a different form of being? Will me meet again? Oh if I only had an answer. But then again, maybe I would not want to hear it either.
I miss my brother. Alexander was a very interesting brother, the one I have had most difficulties with of all my brothers. He was very strong-minded, very intelligent and incredibly charming, good-looking and gifted in many ways. In the last few years the strong-mindedness turned more and more into a very aggressive behavior that was hard to take and deal with for my entire family. But this was not always like that.
I remember having the greatest time with him when we were little. We could play for hours and hours, Playmobil, Lego, races with Matchbox cars and building blocks, playing with dolls, performing plays that we wrote ourselves or fairy tales, we did it all. It was always us three oldest siblings, Alexander, Walter and me. Of course we also argued as all siblings do but I remember the good times better. We had a very happy and protected childhood. In the weekends we would go to our cabin in the mountains where we had running (cold) water but no electricity or heating. Our parents showed us how we could have the greatest time there with very primitive means. We build dams along creeks, showered under a waterfall, tried unsuccessfully to ride cows, went hiking and in the long summer evenings we played board games for what seemed forever. Alexander was very determined to win or be the best in all our little games and very often he also reached his goals. Obviously, this became a source of conflict between us, especially though between him and Walter who was much less successful. The nicest moments between us were when we were lying in bed in our cabin where we had to share one room with the next youngest, Magnus. We would whisper with each other for hours or try to listen to my parents talking in the room next door. There was so much trust between us, so much love for each other, so much innocence. It was the most wonderful time of my childhood up in this little cabin.