I have had a (for our standards) really big fight with Luke because he was unable to read my mind. Yes, you read that correctly. Without further ado, I feel myself sliding into a pattern I thought I had learned how to live without. It is the pattern of my life shortly after Alexander died a year ago. I cannot see the words I am typing here because I am sobbing so uncontrollably. I thought that this past year I have learned how to live with this pain, with this anger at myself and at Alexander. But it seems like I can never really learn how to do this. I know I have written this before, stating how I hoped to know only to find out I did not. Why is my mind playing this trick on me time and time again? Why can I not simply learn that I will not ever learn completely how to live with this pain? I guess it is hope for an ultimately better tomorrow that leads me into this conception. But in moments like these, when realization hits, it hurts so much more. I just want him back! Why, oh why? Why do I have to live with this?
Maybe this trick my mind plays on me is a simply a switch to survival mode. It worked really well for the last few weeks. I have worked more than I can remember almost ever having worked, being efficient at it no less and even slightly satisfied with the results (this is hard for me). And now this. I felt it coming the last few days, and here it is now, breaking my world apart, my working routine, all that I held onto to keep me going. Everything else I need to do seems so insignificant compared to this enormous elephant in my room, the fact that Alexander, my dear dear brother, is no longer on this earth with me. And why, oh why did he choose to leave me and all of us? He just, simply, chose it!!!! I feel all the different stages of grief hitting me as I know them, the devastation, pain, grief, numbness, anger - it is all back. I cannot believe I lived with all of this for almost an entire year.
Showing posts with label accusations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label accusations. Show all posts
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
More thoughts
Writing this blog entry earlier this evening has somehow pulled me out of my little bubble of thinking that this upcoming anniversary does not get to me. It does. I can hardly stop thinking about what has happened a year ago, this entire past year and earlier. So many ifs and whens all over the place again. I wish I had done this or that, listened more carefully, read a bit more, been there more for him. How could he not see a way out? There are so many wonderful things happening in this world, especially in this wonderful, powerful, life-affirming season of spring. And yet it has this very sad ring to it permanently attached for me. How could he not have seen all the flowers starting to bloom? He actually told our grandma a week (!!) before he died when she pointed out how wonderful the world looked that he could not see any of it. How can you miss that? How could we miss those so heart-wrenchingly obvious signs of deep depression? Why did I not gain more strength so that could have helped him more? Why did I concentrate more on my own life than his when he was so deeply struggling to fight death? How can I ever forgive myself not paying more attention, not helping more, not being there more for him? All the while I still see his own shortcomings too, he could have sought more help from professionals, fought more, not given in. Then again, am I simply trying to shift the blame away from me onto him so that my own guilt might not overwhelm me?
Friday, December 11, 2009
Disappointments
Why does it hurt so much? Every day again? Why, oh why?
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Rough days
I have had a few very rough days lately. It seems to me as if I suddenly start realizing that my dear brother is actually, really forever gone. Even though I knew this before it seems to sink in a bit more although I still doubt it is actually getting through to me. I miss him so very much. And all the time I ask myself whether it will really get better or what is going to happen to me. I dont recognize myself anymore. Yesterday I completely broke down at work, I didn´t even make it home anymore. I had to call my husband to come pick me up. Never has anything like that happened before. What a strange experience to be so completely unable to control your feelings. I simply could not stop crying.
We learned a few days ago that Alexander´s ex who split up with him in December last year, so five months before he commited suicide, went with her mum to the police after his death and gave them a five page report of what apperently had led to his suicide. In this “report“ she said that Alexander killed himself because he was driven to this by my parents. Apparently my parents just never gave him the love that he really needed and he was so upset about this that he could not live anymore. They reported that he was definitely not ill. Furthermore they claimed that the fact that many people left the church during the funeral service was because of the sermon the people disagreed with. The priest talked about Alexander´s split personality in a very good and truthful way stating both the amazing and awful parts of his character during his illness. We heard from a few people that they did not find a seat in the overcrowded church and additionaly could not even understand what was being said because the speakers did not work in that area so they left the church and waited outside. It is so awful to be blamed for the death and even more to have that publicly stated. I do not know what those people are thinking. I mean, even if it were all true the way they think it is, who would do such a thing and want to blame the surviving family? Isn´t it awful enough what we are going through? We just lost a brother, a son!! I am sooo angry. I hope I will never see them again in my life. Unfortunately this is unlikely since they live clos to my parents´. Why would you ever want to do something like that?
But my sadness within myself does not come from this awful story. It is more something deep within. I feel trapped inside many buildings, only at home it is halfway alright. I have no idea how I can overcome that feeling. I would need to be somewhere alone in nature but unfortunately that is pretty difficult around here. I am so angry that he did not even feel like he needed to say good-bye. I miss him, too, so badly. But mainly I am trying to understand why he did not feel this need to live anymore, how he could not believe that his life could change and be a good one. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I just am soo deeply sad even when I do something completely different and even if I am laughing.
I just had to get that out there, I feel like I can not tell anyone else. I don´t want to burden my mum and my other siblings, they are so involved in what they are doing themselves. Plus what could they do? But it helps already to write it down and tell you. I know this is a lot and not very organized but it just wanted to get out.
We learned a few days ago that Alexander´s ex who split up with him in December last year, so five months before he commited suicide, went with her mum to the police after his death and gave them a five page report of what apperently had led to his suicide. In this “report“ she said that Alexander killed himself because he was driven to this by my parents. Apparently my parents just never gave him the love that he really needed and he was so upset about this that he could not live anymore. They reported that he was definitely not ill. Furthermore they claimed that the fact that many people left the church during the funeral service was because of the sermon the people disagreed with. The priest talked about Alexander´s split personality in a very good and truthful way stating both the amazing and awful parts of his character during his illness. We heard from a few people that they did not find a seat in the overcrowded church and additionaly could not even understand what was being said because the speakers did not work in that area so they left the church and waited outside. It is so awful to be blamed for the death and even more to have that publicly stated. I do not know what those people are thinking. I mean, even if it were all true the way they think it is, who would do such a thing and want to blame the surviving family? Isn´t it awful enough what we are going through? We just lost a brother, a son!! I am sooo angry. I hope I will never see them again in my life. Unfortunately this is unlikely since they live clos to my parents´. Why would you ever want to do something like that?
But my sadness within myself does not come from this awful story. It is more something deep within. I feel trapped inside many buildings, only at home it is halfway alright. I have no idea how I can overcome that feeling. I would need to be somewhere alone in nature but unfortunately that is pretty difficult around here. I am so angry that he did not even feel like he needed to say good-bye. I miss him, too, so badly. But mainly I am trying to understand why he did not feel this need to live anymore, how he could not believe that his life could change and be a good one. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I just am soo deeply sad even when I do something completely different and even if I am laughing.
I just had to get that out there, I feel like I can not tell anyone else. I don´t want to burden my mum and my other siblings, they are so involved in what they are doing themselves. Plus what could they do? But it helps already to write it down and tell you. I know this is a lot and not very organized but it just wanted to get out.
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