Another crisis

I know. I missed writing Alexander on the 3rd. However, there is a reason for it. I just could not take it. I started living again, as I have said before. I felt I need to focus on my life right now to be able to start living. Well, it somewhat worked, again.
Now over the last few days I really miss him again. I so miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter, his love! And then there is sooo much anger coming up now, too. Our parents are facing one of the – as far as I can tell – most serious crises in their marriage. While it is not ONLY connected to Alexander’s death it most certainly has a big part in it. Both are trying hard in comprehending their son’s death and doing it very, very differently. Without getting into too much detail, I worry about them. I have faith and pray that they will make it through but it is not fun, not for me or anyone else involved. Thank goodness I can talk about it with my dear brother, Walter. My sisters and Magnus do not know about anything going on which is good. The less they have to worry about those things the better. I guess that is my big sister instinct speaking here;) But really, they have a hard enough time as is. How can they cope when we are all struggling? I know that they can take more than I think they can but I also don’t want them to worry without any reason. And I hope and pray that there is no reason for them to fully know what is going on right around now. The good side, at least they are talking to each other again. Not that they were never talking but now they are talking about expectations and feelings again. Let’s hope they keep that going…
Oh Alexander, why did you do this? To us? I miss you, every day, every hour and soo wish I could tell you how much you are loved and missed, by so many. I love you and miss you and hope that at least you are feeling better wherever you are. There has to be some good in this.

Outside

Many things happened with me since my brother died. I know I changed. But there is something that is so pressing on me on most days. It is hard to find the right words to explain it. I always liked being outside and in the country. However, now I feel like it is a force inside me driving me outside. Never before did I feel so easily trapped in the city. And yet that is where I live and where I spend most of my time. Since I am working from home I have nowhere to look, no balcony or anything and it drives me nuts. I wanted to move very shortly after Alexander died already for exactly those reasons, I believe I have said so on here before, too. Every time I see nature I just about freak out. My outlet today was looking for a new apartment since I am trapped in this city for at least two more years. And it looks as if there is the possiblity of one a bit further outside, a bit bigger, with a balcony and cheaper than the one we are in right now! I am hoping so much that it is what it promises to be and we could get it. Being closer to nature somehow calms me down so much and I feel as if I am still somehow connected to Alexander. I feel so alone and desperate here for most of my days.
I am so overloaded with work right now that I should not even have written this little bit but I felt as if I needed to share this and it just helps so much to be talking about it.

Disappointments

Why does it hurt so much? Every day again? Why, oh why?
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!

For Alexander

My dear brother,

I am so sorry I never wrote you so many letters when you were alive. I know I failed there and there is no excuse for me not letting you feel how much I really love you. I hope you still knew it and can see me now desperately reaching out to you. I just miss you so terribly and my heart just breaks when I think that I will not ever see you again. It is so unfathomable. Is it really true or will I just wake up from this dream some day soon?
I am so sorry for so many things. I feel like I failed you in many ways and yet I also know that that is just the way I am and the way our relationship was. But I miss that relationship so much, I miss our conversations about stuff, important or unimportant, your crazy and sometimes sick thoughts. I wish I could have that conversation about suicide with you again. I would do so much different and answer differently. If I had ever really listened to you! I always accused you of being self-centered but I guess often I was the one who was. Maybe I also just wanted to not really think about what you were thinking and how much you were suffering. Maybe I was trying to protect myself from worrying to much about you. I am sorry about that and yet know it is to late to change anything anymore.
Alexander, I miss your laugh, the way that you laughed when you were just laughing about something, not at someone. I miss the look on your face when you were really happy. It becomes harder to imagine you being alive and yet I would hug you in an instant. Just come home, or come visit me. You know you are always welcome.
I miss you so much, my dear brother, it seems as if every day a little bit more. I hope you are doing fine.

With love,
your sister.

Update

I have been so busy these last few weeks that I feel I had hardly any time to just let go and feel alright about it. There is still plenty of other stuff that I need to get done besides writing here but it feels as if something inside myself needs to get out. So here I am. The sun is shining, we have a beautiful autumn and yet I am so sad inside. For the first time since I can remember I am not thrilled about the beauty of nature at the moment. How strange and sad. Since my workload is quite high at the moment I am carrying my grief around everywhere. The only time I can truly relax is while cooking. This might seem strange to some but it is really true for me. It feels as if I am boiling, baking and frying my grief. I started doing this in summer when I had the urge to make jam and it continues to this date. It is not bad, it just takes a lot of time.
I have also had my - if I can say that at all = worst days ever. I could not stop crying, Luke had to come home in the middle of a workday. That was definitely a first. I learn to accept my feelings more, to accept that they are there for a reason, often protecting me where reason does not go. Where does this leave me? In as uncertain a spot as ever. I feel as if I have lost all control over myself. If my feelings decide to come out they do and I cannot stop them as often as I used to be able to. My therapist told me that this is alright, even desired. It still feels very strange and almost uncomfortable but I am trying to accept it. I feel the waves coming and going and thought I would know them by now. Albeit, every single one of them has it's own shape. It might be similar to one that I got through already but it is definitely shaped differently. I hope and pray I will get through this alright.

Two months

Hard to believe, two months ago were the last few hours Alexander was with us on this earth. And I did not call him or do anything to let him know how much I love him. Despite all the arguments we sometimes had he was my younger, big brother. He is next to me in age, even if it is only by 20 minutes. Somehow it was still different. And now he influenced my life in a way I never could imagine one of my siblings to influence it.
I seem to be going through a phase in which I just do not believe what is going on. I have the feeling like I will simply some time wake up from this bad dream and he will be back again.
I have not been at my parents' for a little over a month. The time here has been hard at times. I was pleasantly surprised when my parents came last weekend for my birthday to visit us as a surprise. I enjoyed showing my dad the city and our surroundings. It was good that they were here. Of course we talked a bit about Alexander but it was not as prominent as it had been the times we had met before. I don't know whether this says something or not.
Last Saturday we went to a support group in town. It was an interesting experience. I almost chickened out but thankfully Luke convinced me to go. I felt so relieved afterward. It was not because they could really help me, I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but it was so comforting to be able to tell my story with all the small details that really keep me thinking to other people who would not be shocked, not be tempted to change the subject. They could actually listen. And the great thing was that then the topic moved on to some other person and his/her feelings and thoughts. For the first time when talking about Alexander it did not circulate only around him. This felt incredibly good. I am looking forward to the next meeting in a month.
On Tuesday I had to work a lot and was out for it. My mum called while I was gone for the first time and left a short message. I could hear in her voice that she was not doing well. When I called her back she did not have time to really talk since she was having lunch with my sister. She wanted to call me back but I mentioned that I wanted to take a nap before my next job which would run until late at night. Even though she understood I felt bad for quite a while. Did I let her down by not giving up my nap for her so she might feel better after talking with me? Very often do I feel this responsibility, not only for my mum but my dad, too, and especially my other siblings. I would not forgive myself not being there for them if they need me. I lost one of them, how could I survive losing someone else? I know that there is no immediate danger but this does not make me relax.