Ten Months

Dear Alexander,

another month. Winter slowly makes room for spring, the sun is brighter and everyone seems relieved that the snow seems to start melting. I am happy about that too, that’s true. But it also breaks my heart since it means that it is getting closer to May and you being gone for an entire year. It seems like so much has happened, so much did happen and is still happening that you cannot see. I miss you so much. We found a new apartment and should be very happy. Well, we are happy but somewhere inside me there is also this sad thought that we are leaving the apartment that you did see. We are moving on with our lives without you being part of it. This thought is painful and it is so even more when you notice it is actually happening. I wish I could show you where we are moving. I think you would like it.

The last few weeks were difficult for me with spring coming that is true. But I also noticed something else that sort of explains why I miss you so much. I noticed that we were in a way always couples among us siblings. Sophie and Dorothee of course as the youngest, Magnus and Walter in a way since they were the more quiet ones although that bond was looser than with the girls. Then there was you and me, the more stubborn, strong-minded and dominant ones – at least within the family. You were never shy to tell me your opinion, even though I often thought I could have done well without it. You were getting on my nerves so often when you questioned my authority as the oldest or tried to take my position. Even though we argued and discussed a lot we were a good team. We pulled each other back when needed or pushed together in one direction and were hard to stop in those moments. Alexander, I miss that so much. I lost you as my partner among us siblings. I don’t like the feeling of not being challenged at least not in the (admittedly often annoying) way you did it. I valued your opinion even when it was tough to take sometimes.

Do you miss us, too? Do you miss our discussions, too? Do you miss me? Are you alone or do you feel happy with whoever is around you? I wish you so much happiness, my dear brother. If this life here on earth was so difficult for you I hope that you have it easier now, easier than we have it here without you. You know, so often I can just be here and even be happy again although I try not to really see it in the moment since I would feel guilty then. I know the thought is stupid but I feel like I am betraying you and I did that once before when you really needed me. I cannot betray you again. And yet those happy moments sneak in unnoticed by me for a few seconds and when I realize it they were there already. But then there is the opposite, too. Like last night, I just could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, felt so incredibly sad deep within but could not let it out, had no way of crying. It was just bad enough to keep me awake, horrible. And those moments are there, too, and I miss you then so badly. I miss you and my previous life. I am so angry with you that you destroyed it. But most of all I miss you. I miss you so much and love you.

Your loving sister Carola

Some Childhood Memories

Sometimes, when I am doing something entirely different it still comes back. All of a sudden I have to think about Alexander, it comes just like a wave that hits me once I am off guard. What a strange thing is death. What comes afterwards? Are we transcending into a different form of being? Will me meet again? Oh if I only had an answer. But then again, maybe I would not want to hear it either.
I miss my brother. Alexander was a very interesting brother, the one I have had most difficulties with of all my brothers. He was very strong-minded, very intelligent and incredibly charming, good-looking and gifted in many ways. In the last few years the strong-mindedness turned more and more into a very aggressive behavior that was hard to take and deal with for my entire family. But this was not always like that.
I remember having the greatest time with him when we were little. We could play for hours and hours, Playmobil, Lego, races with Matchbox cars and building blocks, playing with dolls, performing plays that we wrote ourselves or fairy tales, we did it all. It was always us three oldest siblings, Alexander, Walter and me. Of course we also argued as all siblings do but I remember the good times better. We had a very happy and protected childhood. In the weekends we would go to our cabin in the mountains where we had running (cold) water but no electricity or heating. Our parents showed us how we could have the greatest time there with very primitive means. We build dams along creeks, showered under a waterfall, tried unsuccessfully to ride cows, went hiking and in the long summer evenings we played board games for what seemed forever. Alexander was very determined to win or be the best in all our little games and very often he also reached his goals. Obviously, this became a source of conflict between us, especially though between him and Walter who was much less successful. The nicest moments between us were when we were lying in bed in our cabin where we had to share one room with the next youngest, Magnus. We would whisper with each other for hours or try to listen to my parents talking in the room next door. There was so much trust between us, so much love for each other, so much innocence. It was the most wonderful time of my childhood up in this little cabin.

Two months

Hard to believe, two months ago were the last few hours Alexander was with us on this earth. And I did not call him or do anything to let him know how much I love him. Despite all the arguments we sometimes had he was my younger, big brother. He is next to me in age, even if it is only by 20 minutes. Somehow it was still different. And now he influenced my life in a way I never could imagine one of my siblings to influence it.
I seem to be going through a phase in which I just do not believe what is going on. I have the feeling like I will simply some time wake up from this bad dream and he will be back again.
I have not been at my parents' for a little over a month. The time here has been hard at times. I was pleasantly surprised when my parents came last weekend for my birthday to visit us as a surprise. I enjoyed showing my dad the city and our surroundings. It was good that they were here. Of course we talked a bit about Alexander but it was not as prominent as it had been the times we had met before. I don't know whether this says something or not.
Last Saturday we went to a support group in town. It was an interesting experience. I almost chickened out but thankfully Luke convinced me to go. I felt so relieved afterward. It was not because they could really help me, I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but it was so comforting to be able to tell my story with all the small details that really keep me thinking to other people who would not be shocked, not be tempted to change the subject. They could actually listen. And the great thing was that then the topic moved on to some other person and his/her feelings and thoughts. For the first time when talking about Alexander it did not circulate only around him. This felt incredibly good. I am looking forward to the next meeting in a month.
On Tuesday I had to work a lot and was out for it. My mum called while I was gone for the first time and left a short message. I could hear in her voice that she was not doing well. When I called her back she did not have time to really talk since she was having lunch with my sister. She wanted to call me back but I mentioned that I wanted to take a nap before my next job which would run until late at night. Even though she understood I felt bad for quite a while. Did I let her down by not giving up my nap for her so she might feel better after talking with me? Very often do I feel this responsibility, not only for my mum but my dad, too, and especially my other siblings. I would not forgive myself not being there for them if they need me. I lost one of them, how could I survive losing someone else? I know that there is no immediate danger but this does not make me relax.