14 months

Dear Alexander,

another month without you has come and gone. This time around I spent the third celebrating the wedding of my friend whom you also knew. Do you know she has a son of six months now? Another friend is married, too. Magnus found a girlfriend and split up with her again since you are gone. Our sister dates a guy I am not incredibly fond of but who knew you too. I think this is important for her. Our cousin is turning 16 this week and will finally get a hunting permit. Can you see how excited he is about that despite all that you made us associate with hunting? I received my first photo album of our wedding today. It is hard for me to believe that I have not had a single album so far. So many things happened without you, and yet you still influence so many things still. I am trying to let you go, give you the peace you need. Do you need it? I don’t have it. You left me with so many problems I did not have before. I am still really angry with you for that, I hope you can see that, too. Just don’t believe that life just goes on as if you had not been among us. You have been, you are in your own way and I truly hope that you always will be. I hope I will still be able to let you go. But I will never forget you nor will my life be as it was before. There are still so many awkward situations we encounter. A colleague asked me whether I had twin sisters. I would always have answered yes, and twin brothers. While this is still true, of course, there is also a certain something inside me that makes me hesitate. Since this took place in an email conversation I just ignored the question. But what do I do when I am asked a question like that in person? People who did not know you think about you! Walter tells me that he gets quite a few questions along the lines of ‘You have a twin brother? How awesome! What’s he doing?’ How is he supposed to answer to that? ‘Well, not all so awesome…’? Why did you do this to us? Am I selfish for asking this question? I guess my grief is changing again, I do see that this question might be selfish. You still hold so much power over me and all of us. We just miss you so much, think what your opinion on certain things would have been, wonder what you would say, think. Is there ever going to be a day when I can simply live my life again without being sad? Being sad and missing you? Do I even want that?
Of course, I am not depressed. I laugh, I party, I work, I enjoy nature or other small things. I am happy to be alive – most of the time. But I miss you. I miss you terribly. I never would have thought I would miss you soooo much. You are a brother that is gone! And my oldest brother, my partner in so many arguments, discussions that I cannot have anymore. I miss your opinions. I miss you telling me what I should do differently, disagreeing with me. Oh, how annoying you could be. I would be so incredibly mad at you. And still love you. And we would always forgive each other, in fact I believe now that our arguments made our relationship stronger. And our personalities needed them. Now I cannot have these any more and I miss it. It is as if something very important, an essential part of me has been ripped out. Strange that you would miss arguments all that much, right? I would never have believed it either. And yet, I miss them. And your point of view of things. Of course, I miss you most. I miss the way you looked. You were so handsome! I miss the way you smelled. I miss the way you smile, seeing your grin, hearing you laugh. And hearing you sing. Your voice was so beautiful. Do the angels now hear you sing sometimes? There is this song by Vince Vaughn (Go rest high on that mountain) and I am pretty sure you would not have liked it but there is this line that I completely agree with: ‘I wish I could see the angels’ faces, when they hear your sweet voice sing’.
Dear Alexander, this was a long letter again. I hope you find a way of hearing my words. I hope you can see, feel how much I miss you. There is this hole inside me that you left. You were are important to me, so important. You are my brother, my dear, dear brother whom I miss terribly, every day. And my dear, dear brother whom I love so much, forever.
May god hold you in the palm of his hand and give you the peace you were longing for.
Forever,
Carola

Some Childhood Memories

Sometimes, when I am doing something entirely different it still comes back. All of a sudden I have to think about Alexander, it comes just like a wave that hits me once I am off guard. What a strange thing is death. What comes afterwards? Are we transcending into a different form of being? Will me meet again? Oh if I only had an answer. But then again, maybe I would not want to hear it either.
I miss my brother. Alexander was a very interesting brother, the one I have had most difficulties with of all my brothers. He was very strong-minded, very intelligent and incredibly charming, good-looking and gifted in many ways. In the last few years the strong-mindedness turned more and more into a very aggressive behavior that was hard to take and deal with for my entire family. But this was not always like that.
I remember having the greatest time with him when we were little. We could play for hours and hours, Playmobil, Lego, races with Matchbox cars and building blocks, playing with dolls, performing plays that we wrote ourselves or fairy tales, we did it all. It was always us three oldest siblings, Alexander, Walter and me. Of course we also argued as all siblings do but I remember the good times better. We had a very happy and protected childhood. In the weekends we would go to our cabin in the mountains where we had running (cold) water but no electricity or heating. Our parents showed us how we could have the greatest time there with very primitive means. We build dams along creeks, showered under a waterfall, tried unsuccessfully to ride cows, went hiking and in the long summer evenings we played board games for what seemed forever. Alexander was very determined to win or be the best in all our little games and very often he also reached his goals. Obviously, this became a source of conflict between us, especially though between him and Walter who was much less successful. The nicest moments between us were when we were lying in bed in our cabin where we had to share one room with the next youngest, Magnus. We would whisper with each other for hours or try to listen to my parents talking in the room next door. There was so much trust between us, so much love for each other, so much innocence. It was the most wonderful time of my childhood up in this little cabin.