Update

I have been so busy these last few weeks that I feel I had hardly any time to just let go and feel alright about it. There is still plenty of other stuff that I need to get done besides writing here but it feels as if something inside myself needs to get out. So here I am. The sun is shining, we have a beautiful autumn and yet I am so sad inside. For the first time since I can remember I am not thrilled about the beauty of nature at the moment. How strange and sad. Since my workload is quite high at the moment I am carrying my grief around everywhere. The only time I can truly relax is while cooking. This might seem strange to some but it is really true for me. It feels as if I am boiling, baking and frying my grief. I started doing this in summer when I had the urge to make jam and it continues to this date. It is not bad, it just takes a lot of time.
I have also had my - if I can say that at all = worst days ever. I could not stop crying, Luke had to come home in the middle of a workday. That was definitely a first. I learn to accept my feelings more, to accept that they are there for a reason, often protecting me where reason does not go. Where does this leave me? In as uncertain a spot as ever. I feel as if I have lost all control over myself. If my feelings decide to come out they do and I cannot stop them as often as I used to be able to. My therapist told me that this is alright, even desired. It still feels very strange and almost uncomfortable but I am trying to accept it. I feel the waves coming and going and thought I would know them by now. Albeit, every single one of them has it's own shape. It might be similar to one that I got through already but it is definitely shaped differently. I hope and pray I will get through this alright.