I wanted to write Alexander a letter for his birthday but then it was all so busy and alive that I did not find the time for it. Yes, the birthday of Alexander and Walter was lively, we were celebrating Walter’s life. What an amazing thing.
For most of the day I was busy making a nice cake for Walter so I had some time to think but not to write. And it was mainly positive thoughts or life connected thoughts, not too much thinking about the past. However, in the morning I did what I had planned to do, I bought a small bouquet for Alexander and put it on his grave together with mum. It was a good time and good to do it together since it allowed us to talk about him, to share our feelings and to just give him some time that day. Shortly after that I headed out to my grandma’s so it was not too long, just the right time. I miss him so much, it is still so unbelievable that he is gone. And yet it was good to be celebrating Walter and his life. We had the birthday dinner at my aunt’s house which was nice since it was just a different setting and not so many memories connected with earlier birthdays. We had a nice evening together and it was fine. My thoughts were especially with my mum who is still having a very hard time while I can see light at the horizon. That does not mean it is easy for me but I still feel that right around now I can see that I might be able to get my life together again. However, when I see my mum I know that she is not nearly anywhere close to where I am. I am worried about her. I hope one day she can be where I am now.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Birthday anniversary
While I slowly and with backlashes feel like I am regaining control over my life there is another worry I have now. My dear brother, twin brother to Alexander, is having a rough time right now. He split up with his girlfriend of three years only a few days ago and is additionally worn out by the amount of work he is doing. Additional the weight of his and Alexander’s upcoming birthday wears on him. While I wish I could take some of the burden off him I also know that he has to live through it himself. All I can do is believe in him (and I know he can do it) and pray for him that he will get better soon. After several weeks in agony he finally decided what he wants to do on Friday. I hope it will be fine for him. No way is it going to be good but if he can at least make it through the day. Oh Alexander, there are so many things you left for us to work out!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Nine months without you
Dear Alexander,
another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola
another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Skiing - end of the holidays
My life has been very busy these past few weeks. But let me start from a few weeks ago. At the end of our Christmas break stood a ski trip with some good friends. Luke had been looking forward to this trip very much while my feelings were more differentiated. After the holidays had been painful and hard but also encouraging for our way through our grief I was still emotionally exhausted. How would I do on a trip with friends where it would be hard to be by myself? It turned out that the skiing, the nature gave me the freedom of nature, the feeling that I could be and move anywhere. When I was going through the trees all by myself (it did work out) I felt like I was in a higher realm of things. While getting physically exhausted I also felt the Befriedigung of doing something for me. There was a sense of exhilaration in the air, I felt more daring than I had ever done. This is something that Iris Bolton, author of the book I quoted a weeks ago, calls a “gift” from the person who left us. I feel like I need to live intensely, breathe life in as much as possible and try to make the most out of every given moment. Often, I fail. However, skiing there on this deserted mountain gave me the feeling like I was being myself again. What a rare feeling.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Outside
Many things happened with me since my brother died. I know I changed. But there is something that is so pressing on me on most days. It is hard to find the right words to explain it. I always liked being outside and in the country. However, now I feel like it is a force inside me driving me outside. Never before did I feel so easily trapped in the city. And yet that is where I live and where I spend most of my time. Since I am working from home I have nowhere to look, no balcony or anything and it drives me nuts. I wanted to move very shortly after Alexander died already for exactly those reasons, I believe I have said so on here before, too. Every time I see nature I just about freak out. My outlet today was looking for a new apartment since I am trapped in this city for at least two more years. And it looks as if there is the possiblity of one a bit further outside, a bit bigger, with a balcony and cheaper than the one we are in right now! I am hoping so much that it is what it promises to be and we could get it. Being closer to nature somehow calms me down so much and I feel as if I am still somehow connected to Alexander. I feel so alone and desperate here for most of my days.
I am so overloaded with work right now that I should not even have written this little bit but I felt as if I needed to share this and it just helps so much to be talking about it.
I am so overloaded with work right now that I should not even have written this little bit but I felt as if I needed to share this and it just helps so much to be talking about it.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Mood Swings
I am still reading all I can find about suicide survivors, their stories and professional help books. In one of them I found the following of which I think helps my husband to deal with me a little easier:
“A persistent component of the process of recovery seems to be the mood swings which persist through the weeks and months of mourning like an endless ride on a rollercoaster. One soars to a euphoric peak on a Sunday and then, within the week, dives into a hellish abyss. […]” (Iris Bolton: My Son… My Son… A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide)
This seems to be a very precise description of how I feel so often. Just wanted to share that, maybe it helps someone else to realize that they are not crazy all of a sudden, either.
“A persistent component of the process of recovery seems to be the mood swings which persist through the weeks and months of mourning like an endless ride on a rollercoaster. One soars to a euphoric peak on a Sunday and then, within the week, dives into a hellish abyss. […]” (Iris Bolton: My Son… My Son… A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide)
This seems to be a very precise description of how I feel so often. Just wanted to share that, maybe it helps someone else to realize that they are not crazy all of a sudden, either.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Eight months without you
Dear Alexander,
it has been eight months since you chose to leave us. I am still having a very hard time trying to understand your decision. I miss you every day, think of you every day and wish I could do something to have you back. I play the scenes of us talking about your problem over and over, trying to see where I went wrong, where I should have done something different to prevent your decision. And then I try to understand that after all it was still your decision. But oh, it is so difficult. I try to accept that you saw no future for yourself but it is so hard to believe. Sometimes I even don’t see how I can get over this pain myself. Do you see how much we are struggling? Do you have bad days in heaven because you worry about us who are struggling with your decision?
Last month was the first holiday season without you. Especially the time right before was difficult, all of us were so caught up in our own feelings and fears. It turned out that we can still work pretty well together and we had a relatively peaceful Christmas, if one can say that. But we missed you. I miss your smile, your laugh, you teasing me, the way you would hug me and smile at me. Oh Alexander, I cannot imagine never seeing all this again. Why, oh why? How could you not see a light at the end of the tunnel? You could have made it, if anyone, then you. It is so hard, so impossible for me to understand that you had no way of seeing beyond your pain anymore. You did not seem to be so much under pain. It is so hard to believe that you just did an amazing job of covering up how bad you really felt inside. I know that you tried to tell us but we did not listen well enough. I am sorry that I was unable to read the signs, that I was not educated enough to help you. I wish I could turn back time.
My dear brother, it is so strange without you, so much has changed these past eight months. Can you see how much father has changed? I believe that he turned into a person you would have loved to have as a father. Do you see how much mother suffers? Do you feel guilty for that? Do you see how she does not have time for our little sisters, time that she would have had otherwise? Do you see how they are both struggling with school and their immense grief for you? Do you try to help them? I feel like I need to help them all and it is overwhelming. I am so tired of doing it all in addition to my work which is enough anyway. And yet I can’t stop because I am so scared, so incredibly scared that I miss the signs of someone else suffering, someone else needing my help and I am not there in the right moment. But I am so tired, so exhausted. I miss you so much. I always knew you were still there to help our sisters with whatever problems they had when I did not find the time or was busy or whatever. Now there are still the two other brothers but it is not the same. I wish you would answer me some time and give some answers to my many questions. But even more than that I want to see you happy again, laughing, joking and with all that love in your eyes. There are no words to describe how much I miss you.
I love you, little big brother.
Forever, Carola
it has been eight months since you chose to leave us. I am still having a very hard time trying to understand your decision. I miss you every day, think of you every day and wish I could do something to have you back. I play the scenes of us talking about your problem over and over, trying to see where I went wrong, where I should have done something different to prevent your decision. And then I try to understand that after all it was still your decision. But oh, it is so difficult. I try to accept that you saw no future for yourself but it is so hard to believe. Sometimes I even don’t see how I can get over this pain myself. Do you see how much we are struggling? Do you have bad days in heaven because you worry about us who are struggling with your decision?
Last month was the first holiday season without you. Especially the time right before was difficult, all of us were so caught up in our own feelings and fears. It turned out that we can still work pretty well together and we had a relatively peaceful Christmas, if one can say that. But we missed you. I miss your smile, your laugh, you teasing me, the way you would hug me and smile at me. Oh Alexander, I cannot imagine never seeing all this again. Why, oh why? How could you not see a light at the end of the tunnel? You could have made it, if anyone, then you. It is so hard, so impossible for me to understand that you had no way of seeing beyond your pain anymore. You did not seem to be so much under pain. It is so hard to believe that you just did an amazing job of covering up how bad you really felt inside. I know that you tried to tell us but we did not listen well enough. I am sorry that I was unable to read the signs, that I was not educated enough to help you. I wish I could turn back time.
My dear brother, it is so strange without you, so much has changed these past eight months. Can you see how much father has changed? I believe that he turned into a person you would have loved to have as a father. Do you see how much mother suffers? Do you feel guilty for that? Do you see how she does not have time for our little sisters, time that she would have had otherwise? Do you see how they are both struggling with school and their immense grief for you? Do you try to help them? I feel like I need to help them all and it is overwhelming. I am so tired of doing it all in addition to my work which is enough anyway. And yet I can’t stop because I am so scared, so incredibly scared that I miss the signs of someone else suffering, someone else needing my help and I am not there in the right moment. But I am so tired, so exhausted. I miss you so much. I always knew you were still there to help our sisters with whatever problems they had when I did not find the time or was busy or whatever. Now there are still the two other brothers but it is not the same. I wish you would answer me some time and give some answers to my many questions. But even more than that I want to see you happy again, laughing, joking and with all that love in your eyes. There are no words to describe how much I miss you.
I love you, little big brother.
Forever, Carola
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