Birthday again

I wanted to write Alexander a letter for his birthday but then it was all so busy and alive that I did not find the time for it. Yes, the birthday of Alexander and Walter was lively, we were celebrating Walter’s life. What an amazing thing.
For most of the day I was busy making a nice cake for Walter so I had some time to think but not to write. And it was mainly positive thoughts or life connected thoughts, not too much thinking about the past. However, in the morning I did what I had planned to do, I bought a small bouquet for Alexander and put it on his grave together with mum. It was a good time and good to do it together since it allowed us to talk about him, to share our feelings and to just give him some time that day. Shortly after that I headed out to my grandma’s so it was not too long, just the right time. I miss him so much, it is still so unbelievable that he is gone. And yet it was good to be celebrating Walter and his life. We had the birthday dinner at my aunt’s house which was nice since it was just a different setting and not so many memories connected with earlier birthdays. We had a nice evening together and it was fine. My thoughts were especially with my mum who is still having a very hard time while I can see light at the horizon. That does not mean it is easy for me but I still feel that right around now I can see that I might be able to get my life together again. However, when I see my mum I know that she is not nearly anywhere close to where I am. I am worried about her. I hope one day she can be where I am now.

Difficulties in communication

Usually I am pretty close to my mum. Especially now, after Alexander’s death, our feelings were similar and we could easily talk about them. It felt good to share. Not today. When we talked today it was really difficult for me. Lately, I feel like I need to be there for my mum who seems to have the same feelings of guilt over and over again. I do have them too, don’t get me wrong, but to a different degree. I feel so much guilt in very many aspects regarding Alexander. But with her it is different. She seems to feel nothing but guilt and grief, and it seems like her thoughts are so extremely focusing on Alexander that it is difficult for me to tell her what is going on with my life apart from my own grief about him. When I do tell her she listens but it seems as if she is so preoccupied with her own feelings that she does still listen and feel with me but not as much as she did before. She is too focused on Alexander. I do not mean this as an accusation but it is still difficult for me. Especially when I feel different about certain aspects of Alexander’s death. I do not think that a hug just before he left our home the very last time would have changed any of what he did later. It would help my mum, of that I am certain. And it would have been nice to know that he could feel my mum’s love one last time instead of just whishing him a good hunt. But I do believe that at this point, nothing could have changed his opinion of what he did to himself later. At least nothing my mum could have done.
When I try to tell her that I feel like she listens to me but does not believe it. Now I do not want to make her believe everything I think since it is all a big speculation what Alexander really was thinking. But I wish she could see that there are other possibilities, that it must not have been her fault. I wish I could help her. And when I feel like she does not understand me I grow silent and it must seem awful to her. Still I don’t want to end our phone conversation on that ground so we keep on going, mainly my mum telling me how she feels and what she thinks. I just feel so incredibly helpless then. I failed already one time when I tried to help. How could this change now? So I continue to be fairly silent and just listen. But it hurts not being able to help her, and it hurts that she seems so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t really see me on the other line anymore.
Before we talked I felt fine, now I am caught myself in those thoughts again. I hope I will still be able to get some of my stuff done since I have an interview next week. It is important that I can get my thoughts together and concentrate. However, sometimes it is oh so difficult.