Nine months without you

Dear Alexander,

another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola